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Everyone else at the table can order a margarita at 10a.m., but I ask for a cup of queso with a straw, and suddenly I’m the one with the problem.
Uglier.
Angel: But, sir…
I SAID UGLIER!
– God inventing cycling outfits.
Ladies, if you love zoos and meet a nice man who’s in charge of one, he’s a keeper.
we shouldn’t call bad opinions “hot takes.” people like to be hot. they should be called something disgusting. tell people they “took a glumpy one”
Haha no i do not care what people think of me. Why what have u heard tell me everything right now
I just want the confidence of someone who can sneeze without crossing their legs.
1 am: can’t sleep
2 am: can’t sleep
3 am: can’t sleep
4 am: can’t sleep
5 am: can’t sleep
5:57 am: falls into a deep and dreamless sleep, sleep like a tomb, cool and silent and–
6 am: ALARM
BOND: The name’s Bond. James Bond.
ME: That’s a weird way to say your name, dude.
BOND: I’m a spy.
ME: You are bad at all parts of this.
I don’t know why people pay therapists to tell them what’s wrong with their lives when I’ll do it for free.
The “Skip Ad” countdown on Youtube is more exciting than an Apollo launch.
Someone just replied to a group text from 2019 and managed to confuse the whole neighborhood
COP: *drawing chalk outline around victim*
ME: what’s that for?
COP: seriously?
ME:
COP: I think it’s to keep out ants
(Job interview)
The starting hourly pay is $30 but it can go up to $45 later
Me: Okay, I’ll start later then
They say that exercise may help you live longer. Guess the grim reaper doesn’t want to make that much of an effort to catch up with you when you’re walking.
casting director: can you play a Canadian?
me: eh?
casting director: [under breath] holy shit
I need to stop digging tunnels when I’m drunk where am I
Me: *taps one-night-stand on forehead* Unfollowed.
One-Night-Stand: It doesn’t work like that…
Me: *taps him on forehead again* Blocked.
Doctor: When he wakes from this coma, we don’t know if he’ll be the same or have brain damage
Me *opening eyes* gonna buy a duck and call it Dan Quackroyd
Doctor: Oh no
Wife: Oh shit he’s the same
How do chocolate labs not die of themselves?
I practice safe drinking by uninstalling the Amazon App from my phone before I start
3: Daddy, please don’t do that joke anymore.
Me: Which one, buddy?
3: Any of them.
I’m pretty certain the first nudist colonies were started by parents who refused to do any more laundry and said screw it, we’re all going naked. Cuz same.
Them: Where do you see yourself in 30+ years?
Me:
She was a fax machine
She kept her modem clean
She was the best damn printer that I’ve ever seen
Stay at an airbnb if you want to clean up someone else’s house better than your own
When you’re friend recommends a guy who can fix it for less
The guy:
I like telling people to “grow up” because even if they hate me I can visit them ten years later and say “Took my advice I see”
me:
professor x: yes, i can read minds
me:
professor x: yes, i suppose the name alvin and the chimpmunks alludes to he himself not being one
Having a child doesn’t make you a father. Sneezing as loud as you can after cutting the grass does.