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A woman is able to conjure up superhuman strength when her child is in danger and when she wants to rearrange the furniture.
Jesus: *tearing bread* this is my body
Disciples: ooh
Jesus: *pouring wine* and this is my blood
Disciples: ahh
Jesus: *putting Nickelback on Spotify* and this is How You Remind Me
[At Fancy Restaurant]
Her: I’ll have the oxtail topped with quail egg.
Him: Gimme a steak.
Her: *glares
Him: Uhh, topped with a Cadbury?
What happens when you build a house on top of an old cemetery for accordion players?
You have a polkageist.
My fave part of eating corn dogs is when you get to the bottom and you have to shove the wooden stick in the back of your throat to get that last bit o’ battered glizzy
the corner of the glass coffee table stalks its prey, ready to attack the shin of any unlucky soul that sleepily stumbles in striking range
[1st date]
Me: I’ve got crabs
[date leaves]
[back home looking at my fish tank]
“It’s all right guys, one day I’ll find one who’ll like you”
How to pet your cat:
1) start with their favourite spot
2) wrong
My cat just knocked over my coffee mug and looked at me like it was my fault. How dare I put it on the edge of the table?
[fancy restaurant]
me: isn’t this dim lighting so romantic?
moth date: [shrugs]
My wife’s filthy toenail cut my leg in bed & now I can levitate & hear time.
The reviews for Cats are in (17% on rotten tomatoes), and they are spectacular.
Someone said that my kid would probably grow up to be president, and I’m not sure if it was meant as a compliment or an insult.
#rubbishjokes
I don’t like Russian dolls.They are so full of themselves.
my kid thinks that if you go to the same drive thru twice in a day you have to wear a disguise so they don’t know it’s you
I booked a suite at a 5 star hotel and when my girlfriend arrived,on the bed spelled out in rose petals was “be right out,I’m taking a shit”
Turkey Homocide Detective 1: That’s the 73rd turkey head today.
THD2: What’s the perp doin’ with the bodies?
THD1: No idea. Hey, the farmer’s calling us over. Is he holding a bloody ax?
THD2: He found the murder weapon! We should wrap this case up quick! I bet it’s the duck.
[Getting back into van after museum heist]
Me: Hey guys did you know that Neanderthals buried their dead?
What are you hiding in your locked instagram? sandwiches? Sunsets???? let us see your nephew!!!!
Me: How much more oatmeal can you eat before you become a literary classic?
Donkey: What?
Me: *giggling* Donkey Oaty
The worst outcome of the Kendrick Lamar/Drake beef would obviously be escalating physical violence but the second worst would be if this was all leading up to a Sprite commercial.
Me: *taking an art appreciation class*
Instructor: Please bring my students back
When people say “You’re beautiful, don’t let anyone tell you otherwise.” I want to respond, “Nobody has really been telling me I’m ugly.”
MUGGER: Empty your pockets!
ME: But these are cargo shorts.
(45 min later)
ME: That’s the left one
MUGGER: Seriously.
ME: I am SO sorry
Find you a freak in the sheets & a librarian in the library.
the only thing i remember from my time in school is the teacher explaining to my 8yo self, the difference between desert and dessert. “you always want two desserts and that’s why there are two s’s”
Laser hair removal? Uhhh, why would anyone with laser hair ever want to get it removed?
captain: listen up, i need some help writing the number two in roman numerals
crew: I I captain
Ouija doin?
-talkin to my ancestors