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to make a tv show you need one banana-shaped man and one-orange shaped man. let me explain
I don’t go on Facebook much so Dave, if you’re seeing this, thanks for the invite to your 2007 New Year’s party, hope you had fun dude.
Jim: I’m totally spacing out on a word.
Me: OK
J: What’s that awful thing called…
M: …
J: You wake up with it after you drink?
M: Linda.
law suits: quality garments for lawyers
Trying to guess in 6 attempts what an angry toddler is saying before they really start losing their shit is called Wordle Extreme
“Don’t let me keep you”
Translation: Please go.
[married people conversations]
Wife: babe, what’s the guys name from that movie we watched on Netflix that one time?
Me: Joseph Gordon-Levitt.
Wife: that’s it! thanks!
Might have to change my avi if people keep asking: “Which one is the dog?”
Kong’s very sensitive.
[cutting through Brazilian jungle]
*finds indigenous village*
Hi, I’m a Prime member.
I’d like to complain that my shipping took three days.
“It’s still inside my pencil” is the best answer I’ve ever had from a first grader who was asked, “Where’s your journal writing?”
me: i need an appointment for tomorrow
receptionist: how about 9
me: no i only need one
Good for him😉🤣😉🤣😉🤣
*exercises sarcastically*
I saw a car with “Wash Me” written on it, so I set it on fire. I’ll be damned if I’m going to allow cars to become sentient!
Doctor: You’ve got high blood pressure & water retention. Do you know what that gives you?
Me: Boiling water?
Doctor: Ha! No,you’re dying.
Super excited about a brand new year full of questionable life choices
A lot of parents are asking questions about my baby cannon. Like “Does it really fire babies?” & “Have you seen my son Jeff?”
Me: come here often?
Her: THIS IS MY BEDROOM IM CALLING THE COPS
Waiting for my family to go to sleep so I can do that thing I like*
*eat the good cheese
I’m trying to convince this guy that ‘jesus is the reason for the season’ but loansharks have a different perspective
Why are coroners in movies always eating sandwiches? Anyway… Good Morning.
I wouldn’t trust someone as far as I could throw them
[throws someone]
ok, we can trust that baby
[gently waking my mom] I’m in a gang now. With 43 monkeys.
“Alexa, take down the Christmas decorations.”
Pulled off my t-shirt too fast and made my glasses disappear. I’m now available for bookings.
Me: Age is just a number
My body: And today you’re 85 lol
Me: Dammit I’m not gonna let you die on my watch
Her: *chokes* It’s too late
Me: *leans in close* Get off my watch. It’s a Rolex.
When someone’s ignoring me I like to break into their house at night and steal all their shoes.
We’ll see how busy you are tomorrow.
My coworker was making a run to the convenience store and asked if anyone wanted anything and I said a Yoo-hoo and now everyone is making fun of me