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No one makes more observations than a child sharing a stall with his mother inside a public restroom.
In todays addition of what will we find when we take off our bra…two legos AND a winning lotto ticket! Just kidding that would be so awesome but it was just two legos.
Me: *walks into a door frame*
Husband: Can you do that again? My camera wasn’t on.
Hotel receptionist: One bed or two?
Me: One bed is good
Greg (my coworker): What?
yall pray for me, nothing’s wrong im just in college
A message for people with imposter syndrome:
The Pentagon just announced they miscalculated by $3 billion, you’re doing fine (unless you are this one accountant at the Pentagon)
Starting to think the frog dissection skills I learned in high school are never going to pay off.
[Spelling Bee]
Judge: Your word is ‘babe’
Bee: B-A-E
J: Sorry. There’s another ‘B’
Bee: WHAT! WHERE?
*goes crazy*
*stings Judge*
*dies*
Is #GoHomeIndianMedia really trending? Can we respond with #NoPleaseYouKeepThem or #OkFineWhereElseCanWeSendThem
At the last supper Jesus was probably like it would be way more comfortable for everyone if some of you sat on the other side of the table
When I was your age we had to walk barefoot two miles uphill in the snow to Twitter
I always wanted to be just like Flo Rida. That’s why I changed my name to “New Ham Sure”
Those who run away from me are afraid that they might confess their love to me.
This lady just licked her finger and wiped her daughters face…
<–Hands her some Listerine and gets in line to be cleaned
Jokes on you TSA my body is 70% water and I just snuck it onto the plane
The “you can’t sit with us” kids don’t like it when you call them the “you can’t sit with us” kids.
I’m never more in denial than when I pack running clothes for a weekend trip to the beach.
Let’s put the delete button next to the most important, most used button on this app, lol
~App developers probably
Hand feeding garbage to my roomba when its battery is low
I am just a girl, standing in front of the laundry, hoping it will wash itself.
I’m sorry I whispered “a weem a way” over and over during your jungle safari slide show…
It’s actually illegal to see your neighbour washing his car and not say ‘You can do mine next if you want!’.
Boss: Have I made myself clear?
Me: No, I can still see you.
Boss: Shakes head.
writers love saying things like “he had a toothy grin” what is a toothy grin. just making shit up. “he walked feetily into the kitchen” that’s how you sound
Husband: Tell me a fantasy of yours.
Me: So you go back to the office for work.
Husband: And?
Me: And?
[after tee ball game]
Wife: we brought snacks for the kids.Me: [w/ mouthful of food] we did?!
Once I’ve made up my mind about something, there’s no stopping me
from second guessing myself.
I love to watch the look of panic on my husband’s face when I pull a pair of panties out of my drawer and say, “um, these aren’t mine.”
I’m the neighbor
Some music just moves you. For example this Taylor Swift song playing on the radio makes me wanna drive off a cliff