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ME: i saw a guy on the back of a van
FRIEND: …and?
ME: that’s it i guess
I accidentally just sent a kissy face emoji to my female boss… and now we wait for the call from HR on Monday.
[leaving birthday party]
wife: Drive safe, we have precious cargo *smiles at kids*
me *looking at the piece of cake in my lap* I know
When I face a minor setback
interviewer: we’ve decided to go with another candidate
me [slides can of spinach across table]: what about now?
interviewer: wrong popeyes
me [slides second can of spinach across table]: and now?
I was gonna get on the treadmill, but then the couch will get sad
Maybe she was born with it, maybe she was forged in the fires of Mount Doom.
Being an adult is 99% wondering how you hurt your back.
My neighbors were arguing and I opened the door to see what was going on and the lady was like “Lower your voice neighbors can hear you” and the man was like “MAN F*CK THAT NOSY A** LADY”
The English language lacks a word to mean “To make a spouse feel uncomfortable by aggressively cleaning the house around them”.
just watched a bird catch a worm at 3 in the afternoon
everything is a lie nothing is real
Shout out to the KFC drive-thru attendant who offered me “enough ranch to drown a small child”
When the stylist spins you back around
[at the gym]
PERSONAL TRAINER: have you exercised at all in the past?
*flashbacks to holding my gut in for the past ten years*
ME: totes
[Tarot reading ends]
Reader: Remember, you’ve been warned!
Me: *looks up from phone* Oh maybe I should have been listening to that.
what’s my dream career? the guy who bakes chickens and hides them in the walls in castlevania. next question
I’ve got nothing against kids, I just don’t understand why you’d want indoor kids.
The National Enquirer got a hold of my nudes and sent them back to me.
(10:00 am)
*adjusts lawn chair, sits down, opens highly anticipated new book, settles in comfortably for a long read*(10:02 am)
*already chasing after a pretty butterfly*
[First date]
Ok, don’t let her know you’re a pharmacistHer: Can you pass the salt?
“Sure, it’ll be ready in two hours.”
Hey gang, let’s talk about what has gone right today.
Ok, good talk. See you tomorrow.
my wife and i have been playing a 7 day game of ‘dishes in the sink are lava’
My wife and I toss a coin to settle arguments; heads she wins, tails I apologise.
My daughter is stoked about starting a new school this year so she can meet new friends like “Bobby, Brenda or Lisa” and I’m excited, too, because I didn’t realize we were sending her to 4th grade in 1965.
Normalize calling a Stanley cup a sippy cup to piss your kid off.
our love will go down in history
like the Hindenburg
The opposite of isolate is yousoearly. Please don’t block me.
when you gotta take the souls of the damned to the underworld, but need to reduce your carbon footprint
Just found a tiny box full of kids teeth hidden under my sink…dear god I hope these are from my children
I would never have a swear jar as
1. It would suggest that I regret swearing and
2. Imply that I have spare change.