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Marianne Williamson is incredible. She said at her only debate that her first act as president would be to tell New Zealand they ain’t shit
My neighbor shouldn’t put up a fake graveyard for Halloween if she doesn’t want me getting drunk and performing Thriller every night at 2AM.
[jazz club]
date: I love the sound of double bass
me: [sexily] bass bass
I have gotten outta bed 365 days a year for 37 years. That is 13,505 sit-ups.
And not ONE ab to show for it.
Twitter: “Where people are openly Gay and secretly Republican”
when you are just born a rebel
[baby throws up all over the couch]
Cmon dude, I let you live here for free
“Please! There’s no need to interact with me. I’m just here to observe.”
-me in every social situation
Of all the things to lose why couldn’t it have been my appetite and not my mind
Right about now, family members all over the country are realizing the Starbucks cards I gave them for Christmas are empty.
it’s weird that a librarian and a book-keeper are different things
Trump’s gonna be sooo mad when he finds out that China realized building a Great Wall didn’t keep foreigners out 400 years before he did.
My 5 y/o woke me up to tell me she had a dream my office was invaded by gorillas and I saved everyone using just a hammer so apparently she thinks I’m a Mario Brother for a living.
Hey everybody, I just finished the 30 day yoga challenge and it was easier than I expected. In fact, I bet I could go another 30 days without doing yoga.
if a woman tells me she just wants be friends I say ok but I get to be rachel
[making money] Ugh this is boring and awful. But at least spending it will be nice!
[spending money] Ah no this feels bad also
[takes e-cig from guy beside me & takes a hit] dude, your e-cig is broken
GUY BESIDE ME: give me back my clarinet
People talk about how nice Keanu Reeves is, but when I ran into him in the street he wasn’t nice at all. He was very insulting about my driving and refused to sign an autograph until I’d called him an ambulance.
This is my first Christmas without my dad, and like he used to say, “don’t fill your plate if you can’t finish it” so today I’m only having dessert
just got emotional imagining a worm emerging from its cocoon as a dragonfly and then got even more emotional remembering that’s not what they do
Just made an appointment with a cardiologist. Don’t be alarmed, I’m sure all my cardigans are fine. I just wanna make sure they fit.
Sir, would you like to upgrade your $7 small popcorn to a large and get a soft drink for an additional $1200?
Damn girl are you the sun because you need to stay 92,960,000 miles away from me.
Oceans 11? When I went to school there were just 5
*re-dials*
Hey girl, before I come over, did you say you were in a jacuzzi or the yakuza?
Wanna buy something but can’t find it online?
Just text someone about it! Instagram will show you ads the next minute.
Problem solved.
“Doctor, I’m afraid of people yelling letters of the alphabet at me.”
THERAPIST: Oh! You are? WHY???
[me, hearing an audience booing] STOP APPROPRIATING GHOST CULTURE
Hugh Laurie auditioned for the role of a British detective, but a House is not a Holmes.
There’s no one I respect more than duck hunters. You spent $15,000 on a camouflage boat to outsmart a duck.