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I put a potato down my pants to impress a girl. Next time I’ll put it down the front.
Every emotion briefly visited to open a jar of pickles.
Potatoes & rice should be friends but they’re starch enemies.
Hey old couples. Email addresses are free. You can each have your own. Wait… Just gave that more thought. Forget it. Keep sharing.
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket, so it looks like someone is buying name brand aluminum foil this week.
At what age do you tell your kids that the UN isn’t real
I’m not saying it was a bad idea to let our 4yo color with markers, but now it looks like our kitchen table was pooped on by a diarrheal unicorn binge-eating fruit loops
learning is so boring unless it’s gossip. teachers should just start every lecture like “omg did you hear about parabolas”
Still can’t believe we have a federal holiday to celebrate the 1996 hit movie Independence Day
[criminal trial]
PROSECUTOR: *gives eloquent, convincing closing argument as to why my client is guilty*
ME: *holds up poster of prosecutor’s entire argument in the spongebob meme format*
JURY: lmao, not guilty
[jazz club]
date: I love the sound of double bass
me: [sexily] bass bass
[drive thru]
GUY ON INTERCOM: can I help you
ME: yeah are you guys open
My favorite part about reading The New Yorker in public is looking around to make sure people see I’m reading The New Yorker in public.
Please stop calling a picture of a grilled cheese sandwich “food porn”.
People that are stoned shouldn’t throw glass houses.
Helter Skelter is my favorite song about my eyebrows
It’s “aisle” not “isle.” If someone’s on the “alcohol isle” that means they’re in Jamaica, not at the grocery store.
*first date*
Him: You have a very defined jawline.
Me: Thanks! I chew a lot.
I just watched a video about a 9-year-old kid who recently graduated high school and wants to become an astrophysicist. I had to Google “How do you spell astrophysicist?”
Latest election news: Donald Trump narrowly leads Hillary Clinton by 4 lies.
Dad Dinosaur: [sleeping]
Kid Dinosaur: Daddy, Look at all the pretty stars!
Dad Dinosaur: *grunts* Very nice, son.
Kid Dinosaur: I think I see a shooting star!
Dad Dinosaur: Mmm hmm
Kid Dinosaur: It looks like it’s coming right towards us!
Dad Dinosaur: Say what now?
Sometimes when people talk to me, I scream and beat my chest. It not only establishes dominance, but tells them to go away.
I’m tired of dating. The first person to show up at my apartment with a domesticated raccoon & a lasagna can have my hand in marriage or a friendly fist bump, if they prefer.
i speak three languages: english, bad french and the body language of an emotionally compromised and haunted male detective
Please tell me I’m not the only one who has tried to open my front door by clicking on a car remote..
Critics are raving about Mud. “It’s like dirt but wet” says one. “Oh god it’s in my eyes” says another
Her: *seductively raises knee and rests foot on car to expose a lovely thigh
Me: That’s gonna leave a shoe print, get your foot off there.