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I get my vegetables the same way every other adult does…an iced carrot cake muffin.
I have unrealistic expectations of my anti aging cream
Me: So, what are your thoughts?
Therapist: Well, I think you may have some boundary issues.
Me: [In his lap] Are you saying I’m fat?!
Doglike cats are some of the sweetest, most adorable creatures on the planet. Catlike dogs emerged directly from a portal to hell
Why doesn’t every mistake in real life I make have a squiggly red line underneath it?
Responding to my friends being honest: “Man, I appreciate you.”
Responding to my kids being honest: “Man, can’t you lie about lunch being good just for today??”
How much would you have to pay a teacher to flunk your kid so he has to go to Summer School? Just planning ahead…
I was driving home the other day, when suddenly a group of robbers jumped in and stole everything. They were pirates of the car I be in.
I’m a dad so I love talking about meat rubs but I’m also a 14yo so I giggle inside when I do.
[on a first date]
Her: …
Me: …EMT: So, whose idea was it to go ice skating?
Tampon commercials create an unrealistic expectation of how much fun it is to be around menstruating women.
If evolution isn’t real, then why are my hands the perfect size and shape for carrying Starbucks cups?
my cats when I don’t feed them in a timely fashion
No one deals with rejection more than Internet Explorer requesting to be your default browser..
I keep getting super sexy tweets with pictures of beautiful women in my “for you” list and I’m starting to wonder if Twitter knows something about my sexuality that I don’t.
Raisins are grape jerky.
I think one reason babies cry on planes is because flying sucks & babies aren’t liars like you & me.
I’m at a point in my life where I admire the majestic full trees in my yard and marvel at the amount of leaves I’ll need to rake.
Sorry I only date guys who are at least 6’ (away)
Me: what’s the first thing you want to do after the quarantine?
Wife: get a babysitter.
[world without bees]
Hamlet: to or not to
Boss: Are you high?
[Me watching him evaporate] I hope so.
I don’t always carry all the groceries on one arm, but when I do, my keys are in the wrong pocket…
Hi… So do you like really chunky lower legs and stuff? I kick strong!
~ Me, clearly not impressing the girls when I was in High School.
10: Mom, I need to tell you a secret. Dad thought he was eating white chocolate, but it was a piece of your vanilla scented candle and he liked it. Don’t tell anyone, ok?
Me: Oh, don’t worry…
husband: do you know where the thing is
me: can I buy a noun
“On my way” I said, pretending to drive my bed.
Craft beer drinkers when someone hands them a pint of actual motor oil
Man reading a book: hot
Man with a baby: hot
Man reading a book to a baby: hold me back my ovaries have exploded.