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How can we make people tell the truth?
“Lets make them put one hand on a book & the other on their chest. That’ll scare the shit out of em”
I put my hair up to wash my face and my son said you look pretty with a messy bun so I straight bought him a car even tho he’s only 11.
In an attempt to groggily say hello, I sent “moron” instead of “morning” in a chat to my boss. How’s your day?
chumbawumba: i get knocked down, but i get up again
jesus: ok yes
Wanted to respond with “Perfect!” but accidentally sent “Pervert!”
That’s my cue to leave. And sorry, Steve, you’re probably not a pervert.
i keep accidentally clicking on ritz crackers ads and the internet thinks i am just crazy for ritz crackers and keeps serving me even more ritz crackers ads to accidentally click
Hey lady I’m no dummy…those are letters not numbers.
-first day of algebra class
me: [lays trail of petals directly to the bed] she’ll love this
midwife: she won’t
The 30 mins before I start my kid’s bedtime routine are the longest 3 hours of my day
Me: I’m interested in your doggy daycare program for my puppy.
Clerk: Okay. It’s $45 for a full day, and they get to just play and sleep and eat treats and hang out with other puppies.
Me: Can…can I join, too?
pronouncing “vegan” like “began.”
I’m so out of shape, I bring my phone to the mailbox in case I need an Uber to get back.
Forgot the word ‘flyswatter’ so I just called it a death spatula
My wife looks for signs I’m cheating, but seriously, who would make a sign?
The second half of your life begins when you stop wanting to get even and start wanting to get odd
WAITER: Would you like Parmesan cheese on your meal?
ME: Yes
WAITER: Say when
ME: Well now makes the most sense
16: I hate old people.
Me: That’s where you and I are different.
16: You like old people?!
Me: No, I hate everybody.
I’m good, thanks.
The Cheesecake Factory is finally coming to Canada!
…now I can stop being so nice to the Americans.
normal brain: “you’re now unsubscribed from our mailing list”
big brain: “please tell us why you’ve unsubscribed”
exploding brain: “type in the email address you’d like us to remove from our list”
galaxy brain: “please log in and visit your account settings to select which lis
Cashier: Your total is $2,334.00.
Me: Can you take off the avocado?
Cashier: Okay, that will be $2.00.
The back half of my duplex apparently has been rented out and they just arrived in two pick up trucks decked out in chamoflague wearing chamoflague. I also might not know how to spell that word.
so loyal to apple products that the only birth control I use is the iUD
Boss: Can I have a quick word?
Me: Rapid
Boss:
Doctor: Wow your blood pressure is through the roof
Me: Oh come on it’s not that bad
Doctor: Your eye is literally twitching
Me: *sipping on my eighth coffee of the day* stop being dramatic medicine boi
The chips I’m eating are labeled “Harvest Cheddar,” a name which is forcing me to reconsider what I thought I knew about cheese production
The fun thing about Airbnb’s is that you get to clean someone else’s house on your vacation
[screaming from my front porch] You teens get off my lawn and register to vote!
Deep, meaningful communication is the key to a successful relationship.
[roommate hears me come in]
“how was the date?”
[face sucked back and teeth showing like im skydiving] apparently, I’m allergic to shellfish