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Me: home is where the heart is.
Nurse: *handing me a scalpel* doctor, you’re terrible at this.
The great thing about playing the trombone is no one knows if you’re good at it or not.
Me: I haven’t tweeted in days.
Wife: Oh no! Hold on…*opens laptop
*typesWife: Phew!
Me: What?
Wife: Looks like the Internet survived.
Him: Do you know what you are doing?
Her: Do I look like I know what I’m doing?
Him: No.
Her: Okay then, quit asking stupid questions.
No thanks, malls. I shop from home without pants like a normal person.
Doctor: “You have lost a lot of blood.”
Me: “That’s not good.”
Doctor: “It’s not. You are the worst manager this blood bank has ever seen.”
I called in dinner at a restaurant and Husband went to pick it up. These texts ensued:
H, “What name did you put it under?”
Me, “Yours.”
H, “Not a fake name?”
M, “Why would I do that?”
H, “Because your weird like that.”
M, “You’re.”
H, “It’s under you’re?”
Me, “Yes.”
Me: Are these garbage bags of yours super strong?
Clark Kent: What? No just regular strong ones here haha nothing super about ‘em *nervously adjusts glasses*
[my 1st day at press conference sign language translator job I lied on my résumé to get]
ME: *does Madonna’s Vogue choreography for 45 min*
Let’s settle this like adults.
Rock, paper, scissors.
When rapping in my car, I hold my phone to my ear so passersby think I’m on an intense business call.
Pitching “Oppenheimer’s Dream House.”
Bloody Foreigner, coming over here, wanting to know what love is.
Parents, raise your kids well, or they grow up to be like your coworkers.
“I’ll have a rum and coke”
Is pepsi ok?
“Sure whatever”
*hands you a pepsi and coke*
When you go out with a couple on the brink of divorce.
DATE: It’s hard to find a girl that likes goth guys
ME: [hiding a lantern in my purse] You know, it’s weird, I actually thought your profile said moth guys
Sloth 911: What’s your emergency
[1 week later]
Sloth: I’VE BEEN SHOT
[1 week later]
Sloth 911: DON’T MOVE! We’ll be there in a month
Jesus: I can turn water into wine.
Aquarium: [loud drunken cheering]
My husband and I have never had couples counseling, but we once had a third person help guide us out of a tight parking spot. Saved our marriage.
Today is my favorite holiday of all. Happy I swear this top fit two weeks ago! to all who celebrate
Top Seven Things Men Don’t See Coming:
7. Plot twists
6. Police cruiser
5. Love
4. Trash day
3. Health issues
2. Her reaction
1. That
GUY ON TV: I’m going to show you how to make something today
ME [fingers crossed] please be a friend
If someone catches me staring I quickly look to my left & right so they think “oh that girl’s not looking at ME she’s looking at EVERYTHING”
I just hit the back arrow on a website and it took me to a page that said “before you leave” no. I already made the decision.
GF: What’s my biggest flaw?
ME: You haven’t got any, you’re perfect, I love you
GF: No come on, I mean pacifically
ME: We should split up
rise and shine we got egg
I always take the high road, because the colors are more psychedelic and sometimes you see a unicorn.