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[my funeral]
priest: we are all going to miss, uh… *snaps finger* you know.. *glances at my wife*
wife: *turns to my mom*
mom: Greg? I feel like it was something close to Greg.
I love pickles so much that when the waiter says “do you want pickles on that” I respond with “no, I want that with my pickles.”
Taking a break from my mental health to focus on Twitter
Me: His palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy, there’s vomit on his sweater already, mom’s spaghetti
Build a bear employee: no we have nothing like that
Woke up in middle of night to write down something pressing and important.
*checks notes*
“Some form of ancient mop”.
someone very mysteriously dumped 3-400 pounds of pasta in the woods in old bridge, nj …… i need to know everything
Professor: most of you won’t pass this course
Me: cool so you’re like, Real shitty at your job
Good luck listening to 80’s music without imagining my silhouette doing karate poses.
[hitting on a girl]
ME: can I buy you a beer?
HER: no thanks
ME: so two beers then?
HER: i said no thanks
ME: *checking my wallet nervously* ok three beers last offer
Would you rather fight an army of duck billed platypuses or one human sized super duck billed platypus? These are the questions that keep me up at night.
Of course bears shit in the woods, they do most of their stuff in the woods, very few bears own a house.
The guy two cubes down wears vests, curls his mustache, and never says a word. I always smile politely because maybe he’ll spare my life.
why in the hell am i in my kitchen right now letting this casserole win?
There used to be 9 planets, just like there used to be 9 members of Wu-Tang, but then ODB died so they had to kick Pluto out of the group.
soldier: is that a picture of your love?
me: *folding a Subway coupon back into my wallet* yeah
My wife and I come from very different backgrounds. Her family is French and Irish, and mine is suffocating and unstable.
*Romantically carries pizza over threshold
doctor: i’m afraid you’re dying of asbestos poisoning.
me: 🙁
doctor: but we’ll treat you asbestos we can.
me: 😂
Kentucky names the shit out of places
In sign language, the story of my life can be told through a series of facepalms.
[at the mall]
“I’ve lost my son. Can you make an announcement for me?”
“Sure, what’s his name?”
“Xander.”
“See, that’s why he ran off.”
I just want to know enough sign language to convince people to stop talking to me
“I don’t know, sometimes I just wish there was a room you could sit in that made breathing harder.”
– inventor of the sauna
today was my first day back after the holidays and my body is like excuse me why aren’t we eating 9 meals a day anymore
I hate horror movies where everything goes back to normal at the end. You just had a demon inside you, but yeah, let’s go for pancakes.
My husband made me mad so I sent him to a store that closed a year ago to buy something they stopped making two years ago
the earth is not round nor flat. the earth is chicken tenders
I don’t get upset when autocorrect screws me because it’s the most action I’ve seen in years.
My toddler thought the moon was beautiful tonight. So beautiful that he wanted to give it a hug. Proving once again that kids are incredibly sweet.
And so so dumb.
I can really relate to pi because I also keep going forever after the point has been made.