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#InternationalWomensDay is just a holiday hallmark made up to sell more women
To all the boys I didn’t really like but then realized they liked me so I started liking them and then they stopped liking me so it made me like them more.
Survivor: The Dryer Edition.
Jeff Probst: The tribe has spoken. Wool sock, it’s time to go.
My neighbor called me an old drunk which really offended me. I’m not that old…
God: take the worst of his personality.
Angel: okay.
God: then take the worst of her personality.
Angel: got it.
God: now mix them all together.
Angel: what do you want to call this mess?
God: call it a kid.
BRAKING NEWS!!
Black Friday Shopping Tips:
1. You don’t need anything
2. You can’t afford anything
3. You’ll just be in the way
My boss: *flicks ash off cigarette* So I says to her, I says “Relax, babe, I only objectify hot chicks. You’re safe” lol
HR: *scribbling furiously* Slow down, I don’t want to miss any- AARGH! HAND CRAMP!
*Gets back at the birds by pooping on their bird houses*
911: 911
Me: I’m being chased
911: in your car?
Me: no in theirs
911: wh—
Me: how do I turn the sirens on?
texting my friend “why’s there a firetruck at ur house” while he’s boarding a plane to Europe
I’ve seen the bass pro shop guy naked more than I have myself.
For being the most motivated sperm,
Some of us have really tapered off.
Interviewer: can I get you anything?
Me: yea a job
Rules for a happy marriage:
3. Separate bank accounts
2. Separate data plans
1. Separate bathrooms
All food is good if you spell it wrong
I would describe my conference call personality as “also there”
If I’m guilty of anything it’s that I care too much, that and murder
In space, no one can hear…
[at a dive bar]
Friend: Look, I know you’re disappointed, but we should at least have one drink.
Me: *wearing flippers, a wetsuit and a snorkle* I’d like to leave, please.
ATTRACTIVE WOMAN: What time is it?
ME: Haha. Yeah definitely
After 21 years of marriage I thought it would be funny on National Joke Day to tell my wife I wanted to have more kids. She said “ME TOO!”
…Now what do I do?
One normal thing I like to do on my my lunch breaks is go on Zillow with my 20 million dollar budget and my f***ing delusions
Assassins are just murderers who found a way to make money off their favorite hobby.
Producer: ok the writer strike is done. Any new fresh ideas?
Writer: Mission Impossible 9!
Producer: BRILLIANT!
“IT WAS NEVER SUPPOSED TO BE LIKE THIS!!!” I yell at the guy next to me at the red light while tweezing stray hairs from my chin.
What’s fuzzy, green, and if it jumped out of a tree it’d kill you?
a pool table.
Doctors who do lip injections should be referred to as quacks.
My 3yo nephew asked if he could marry me. I told him no because I already have a boyfriend. He thought for a bit and said, “But I have a scooter.” ❤️
Anyone who wants to learn how to be humble, feel free to talk to me. There’s nothing like learning from the best.