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worst time to be eaten by wolves is obviously the full moon. usually when something bites you, you can at least say “that sucked, but i know what did it. heres the situation.” full moon wolf bite? you’ve gotta be wondering “this could’ve been a guy named derek.” humiliating.
I don’t ask a lot from an elevator, but if you can’t get the buttons right, what else did you screw up?
Misery: Hello there!
Company: I have a boyfriend…
Last month my mom asked what “af” meant and I said it meant “like REALLY something” without saying what it stood for
My wife: “I really do not deserve you.”
Me: “Oh, that’s sweet!”
My wife: “Not a compliment.”
If someone stands you up and doesn’t call, stay positive. They could be dead.
My auto reply to texts:
I would love to, but I have to [verb] a [noun] .
Have a nice weekend
YOU have a nice weekend
No YOU have a nice weekend
*gets in coworker’s face*
I WANT YOU TO HAVE A BETTER WEEKEND THAN ME
Them: Would you slap a coworker for
25 000$?Me: I’d do it for a Costco hot dog
*gives your eulogy after inhaling helium*
What do you call a shoe made out of a banana?
A Slipper
“Ever go to a mall and buy something from the 1st store you stop in? And for the rest of the night you have to carry the bag, watch the bag, remember to pick up the bag after you set it down. It’s kinda like that.”
-me trying to explain to a friend what it’s like to raise a child
Them: I know you mean well –
Me: I absolutely do not
Hotel clerk: You’re eligible for a room upgrade
Me: Sweet!
Clerk: Exactly
confronts reality
pokes it in the eye
(Watching Planet Earth)
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: A narrow escape. The rabbit lives to fight another day
ME: hooray I wanted this
DA: The fox will have nothing to feed its hungry babies
ME: Oh no why did I want this
You sound unhinged. Let’s go get mugshots.
Job interviewer: So do you have any people skills?
Me: Eleven confirmed
JI: What?
Me: What?
“my 7th grader is reading at a 9th grade level” ok big deal, my doctor told me my body is aging at a 73 year old level.
Reminder to any new followers…Ancestry.com is NOT a dating site…lesson learned…like 4 times.
Gave my Dad a ouija board so we can keep in touch after he gave my Mom a vacuum for her birthday
Son: Dad, I want to be in politics when I grow up.
Dad: Are you insane?
Have you completely lost your mind?
Are you a moron?Son: Forget it! There are way too many requirements!
Roadtripping with my family has taught me that my marriage can withstand anything except roadtripping with my family.
Most people use photoshop to create amazing art or graphic design. I use it to make fake Doritos flavors.
Overall, the kids and parents took Wonka’s maniacal screaming, small orange mutated workers, and horrific accidental deaths in stride, maintaining remarkable composure. This tells us they were no strangers to candy factory tours.
i’ll have the chicken finger platter & my lovely wife will have
*hands over coupon
something of equal or lesser value
Parenting is no different than a bear attack. Curl up & play dead and they usually leave you alone.
“Watch this guy slap himself in the face.” -mosquito
Kids, if you want to succeed in journalism the way to do it is to suck at your job in a way that’s useful to rich people