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everyone calls you Cass and just assumes it’s short for Cassandra, but really your name is Casserole
Millennials hate visitors but love having the most advanced doorbell money can buy.
I love the people in parking lots with “free kittens” signs because I too feel that kittens shouldn’t be oppressed.
Me singing a couple lines of a song: Alexa find this for me
Alexa: playing video
“Top 10 Creepiest Animal Sounds”
Wife: How was work?
Me: Funny story. I emerged from a different cubicle in the men’s room to the one I thought I’d gone into
W: I despise you
It’s weird that Usher doesn’t have ANY songs about showing people to their seats…
BREAKING: Girls go to college to get more knowledge. Boys go to Jupiter to get more stupider. Boys killed instantly by lack of oxygen.
I was having a good day until my imaginary friend stole my coloring book & crayons & he demands $100 for their return.
What a stressful day!
murderer: oh no i forgot my weapon 🙁
aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and you have my bow
gimli: and my axe
murderer: omg *tearing up* you guys :’)
I saw a guy pushing a stroller with a kayak balanced on top, like he had traded the baby for it. And clearly he hadn’t planned this. He didn’t have the car with him, so it must have been a spur of the moment baby trade. Some amazing kayak salesman was willing to make a deal.
Netflix needs to stop asking if I’m still watching and start asking if I switched the laundry over yet.
gf: we can’t have another pet
me: [holding my new rabbit] shhh you’re bothering neil patrick-carrots
Teacher in online class: Note this down fast.
Everyone:
What a relief. Bring on the nukes
If you just hang in there life gets really good by episode 4000
The grass looks greener on the other side because it’s fertilized with bullshit.
*cooking omelette for GF*
Me: “Want extra cheese, babe?”
Gf: “Sure baby”
*slowly turns up Aerosmith’s ‘I Don’t Wanna Miss a Thing’*
Did I do this right
Sad thing is, they probably never even gave it a chance
whole time I was thinking “how’s Popeye gonna top this shit” then this mf justs —
4-year-old: How many push-ups can you do?
Me: A million.
4: Then why did your arms shake on the first one?
Me: Must’ve been an earthquake
Humankind: *evolves sophisticated language skills over thousands of years*
Guys talking to women online: Hey
My son saw his medicine said shake well before using so he shook his whole body and damn that apple never even fell from the tree.
[date smiles as I pour more wine] it’s like you’re trying to get me drunk for something brent [me selecting 2 players on mortal kombat] haha
he told me he likes it rough so i crumbled a nature valley bar in the bed
Me at 12: I can’t wait to be an adult so I can buy whatever I want with my money.
Me at 36: If I wait until it goes on sale and use my coupon, I can buy scented trash bags.
Alex Baldwin implies the existence of Alex Hairloss
Netflix: if you like Murder & Standup
A huge thanks to the person that did this
Me: Ohhh, MARITAL arts workshop…now I really feel stupid in this karate outfit.
Wife to therapist: Do you see what I’m dealing with here?