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Whisper out to librarians!
Every time I see people kiss goodbye as they get out of a car, I think how lucky I am that I didn’t get that Uber driver.
Chinese military tactics are pure genius.
Pizza is an emotion right?
[greeting aliens]
Hello, we are the smartest animals on this planet. Every week we give the grass a little haircut
The greatest revenge is a life well lived.
If you can’t do that, a close second is shitting on your enemy’s doorstep.
TERMINATOR: I need your clothes, your boots, and your motorcycle
ME: *gliding past on heelys* Do you need anything from me?
I guess his other shirt, “Build the wall or I’ll gargle your balls” was at the drycleaners
My husband asked if I wanted to do something fun today so I left him home with the kids.
Marriage is easy.
You know how women go to bathrooms in packs? Now we do it on Zoom.
I set my alarm for 3:30 am so I could get up and bark in my dog’s sleeping face. So starts the best day of my life…
*Rides unicorn to work*
*Gives Bigfoot hi-five*
*Chats with mermaids*
*Argues with Medusa*
*Gets called in to HR*
*Fails drug test*
I do believe I’m an Empath. I can always sense when someone I’m attacking is in a bad mood.
My son didn’t think it was funny when I told him go “go forth and multiply” before his math exam.
My daughter called Neapolitan ice cream “three-way” ice cream & I’m not sure I’ll correct her cuz I’m a horrible person & it makes me laugh.
you’ve destroyed the sanctity of this gazebo you belligerent fool
If a gorilla stole my girlfriend and started throwing barrels at a construction site, the last guy I’m gonna call for help is a plumber.
I don’t like to insult women, but I’m not a big fan of my boyfriend’s other girlfriend.
Them: Here’s a vague event invitation.
Me: I’m gonna need more info to work out if it’s accessible – food options, how many people going, is it indoors, COVID precautions…
Them: No worries if you can’t make it. [No further info provided].
Me: Thanks. I guess 🫠.
A bad analogy is like a cucumber
Did you guys know that protons have mass?
I didn’t even know they were Catholic…
Now that replies are broken this feels like a good time to let everyone know that I’ve always thought Buffalo sauce is sour trash.
“Hey dad”
Liam Neeson: OMG WERE U-
“Just called to say hi”
Neeson: [Gutted] Oh. Thanks. Well give me a call if-
“If I get taken, yes I know”
According to this Fitbit, the coroner should’ve been here 10 minutes ago.
Anna: If you don’t wanna build a snowman I feel bad for you, son.
Elsa: I got 99 problems but the cold ain’t one.
It’s 1:28 AM. You can’t sleep. Underneath your bed there’s a rustle as the clown tries to quietly unwrap and eat a Snickers bar.
Awwwwww he is confused! ❤️🤣🤣
My neighbour got drunk and left a case of beer on his front porch last night.
In other news, I just got a free case of beer.
date: I like to try new foods
me: then you’re gonna love this place *motioning to waiter* NEWER CHIPS AND SALSA, GOOD SIR
describing stardew valley
