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Caller: Emergency Sevices? I’m on fire.
Me: That’s great, keep up the good work.
Uh oh I planned two dates today thinking one of them would cancel and now I have to come up with a lie and quick
My son asked me how diarrhea fits into God’s plan for us and I don’t think we’re going back to church anymore.
If I had a dollar for every time my dad questioned my sexuality I could afford a bad ass Harley and probably some super cute riding boots
*gets bitten
*becomes shy shy
Everyone: “You don’t watch Game of Thones?! Watch it immediately.”
After every episode: “That was HORRIBLE.”
1995: oh cool, an online book store
2025: “please scan this qr code and take a brief survey in order to flush your toilet”
Why is it the the people who drink the most Red Bull are the people who seem to have the least going on?
Where do you weigh a pie?
Somewhere over the rainbow … weigh a pie…
Dishwasher: “I’m gonna see if they notice I’m not washing the dishes.”
Sink: “Good one.”
Do lady dolphins ever get tattoos of 19-yr-old community college students?
*stands over dads casket*
“Mom isn’t doing well, dad.”
*puts hand on dad’s shoulder*
“You need to stop building caskets. It’s creepy.”
Was helping my daughter with an art project and got so mad because nothing would stick together. Well, funny story, as it turns out no matter how much Chapstick you rub on that paper it’s just never gonna work.
criminal: oh no it’s lobster man
lobster man: [quickly sidestepping around them] move one inch and you get the pinch
criminal: [takes out rubber bands]
lobster man: oh god no
my kids are suddenly asking why the leprechaun didn’t bring them anything or cause any chaos in our house and apparently me yelling “we aren’t Irish!!” isn’t a good enough explanation?
*angrily detangles self from wind chime*
Interviewer: what would you say has been your crowning achievement?
Me: you mean besides making it through the birth canal?
Interviewer: haha good one. How about after that?
Me: Yeah no, that’s about it
Them: You have a debt to society
Me: Well they can get in line
Frolicking:
The act of licking afros.
My obsession with building townhouses is going to give me a complex one of these days.
If alcohol damages your short memory. Just imagine what alcohol can do.
I hope someday they make tombstones that have a short repetitive video of the deceased person, so that my last words can be “I’ll be back in a gif!”
some people say April Fool’s Day is annoying.
but to me, a sentient refrigerator who longs to run free, it is my only chance to escape.
[Grandma’s funeral]
(Turning to friend) She knitted that whole coffin
Me: How do we get to the bottom of the canyon?
Guide: *gesturing to donkey* Burro
Me: *starts digging* Come and help you stupid donkey
“I’m a night owl”
All owls are night owls. You are a regular owl.
Again this year, I’m giving up Hershey’s chocolates for Lindt…
The house is clean, just don’t open any drawers or doors.
My kid: I bet you had just black and white movies growing up
Me: excuse me, I am not that old
My kid: also did you have crayons or just greyons?
Today’s affirmation:
I am open to recieving pizza. I deserve a life that is abundant in pizza. I surround myself with people who have pizza. Pizza.