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[mailman delivering package to hospital]
DOCTOR: ah, just what the doctor ordered
MAILMAN: please stop saying that
Every day I try to learn from the mistakes of people who took my advice.
Interviewer: Can you explain this gap in your CV?
Me: Yes, that’s when I didn’t have a job.
Yes I can speak a foreign language if you count when I talk about the 80s in front of my nephews.
The cheapest workout for your core is standing on the train without holding onto anything.
What if the first tire-swing was left there as a warning to other tires?
I told my family we’re gonna axe some of our 5 streaming services, and my teens looked at me like I was some kind of murderer.
if you ever have baby fever just hang out with a toddler for a little bit?? this kid in the bagel shop just stared at me for a full minute and then announced to the entire room “I don’t LIKE HER HAIR” parents very apologetic but i’ve made an enemy for life
YOU ASKED IF YOU COULD PET HER, NOT IF SHE BITES, MEGAN.
You know, sometimes bad things happen to exactly the right people.
if i say “morning!” to you it does not mean “good morning” i am merely exclaiming in horror that it is morning
Note to self: Never choose a company name that ends in a verb.
Robert is an ass man
Robert goes to the club
Robert sees a curvy girl
Robert comes up behind her
Robert Palmer
They call me The Cat because of my hunting skills, my lightning fast reflexes, and because I run into the basement when I see the vacuum cleaner.
roses are red
violets are blue
i hate the sounds
you make when you chew
I don’t really ask for much, just good health and happiness. Oh, and a tater tot as big as my head.
pacific rim takes place in 2020 and the kaiju haven’t emerged yet. but seeing how this year is going, we should be prepared.
They say you will eat around 23 spiders in your life, but really you can eat as many as you want. Treat yourself, you deserve it.
Me watching my husband quietly close the dishwasher after taking just one clean dish out
February
20°
NW OhioIn a 2 acre parking lot, a bird manages to find my windshield.
Sometimes I like to trick my dryer by selecting the Bedding setting when the load is really jeans and towels.
[waking up after a night of drinking]
Age 21: did i make out with someone
Age 36: did i steal someone’s dog
We usually make prime rib for Christmas dinner but with the prices of beef we’ve had to make some slight adjustments.
[Christmas dinner]
Me [serving guests]: More ramen?
The prize for getting up early is to eat a worm? Birds are idiots
I hope this email punches you square in the face
relax, they say, as if that’s even a real thing
Can’t. Have to go tighten all the jar lids so I feel useful tomorrow when my chef sister comes cook
Always be kind. You never know who has subscriptions to your favorite streaming apps.
I know I’m gorgeous, young and sexy. My secret to eternal youth is a steamy bathroom, so my glasses mist up.
I’ve always wanted a monkey, so I bought one today.
Anyway. Monkey for sale.