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My 2yo kissed his piece of pizza before eating and honestly why isn’t that customary?
My running form could be described as “drunk woman slowly being chased by no one”
A lonely rooster sees neon sign flashing HOT CHICKEN STRIPS, walks into Popeyes and cringes in horror as he drops his dollar bills
Me: I could never be a lawyer. Too many details to remember
Also me: [argument w/bf] I’d like to bring the defendant’s attention to Argument Transcript B: article 5, section 2; subsection 2(c) CLEARLY shows defendant made the waitress laugh, THRICE, at dinner last Saturday night
honestly this was all i could see so i drew it
law suits: quality garments for lawyers
I’d like to criticize your fidget spinner but I used to own a pet rock.
me: I need to get this framed
optometrist: just say you need glasses
[x-ray]
DOCTOR: wow
ME: what
DOCTOR: I don’t know, there’s a bunch of-
ME: *eating a handful of pennies* a bunch of what
My siblings and I used to fight over food, but we grew up. Then my child would wake from a dead sleep if I opened a candy bar and she also grew up.
Today I’m eating crackers and there is the damn dog staring at me.
Do you really think cats would have anything to do with us if they could open cans of cat food by themselves?
My wife says move they’re honking, well they’re just going to have to wait until I count all my McNuggets.
I just paid $37 for some homemade vanilla tapioca pudding on the Dark Web.
[taking my date for a walk in the woods]
HER: this sure is a dense forest
ME [trying to impress]: yeah it’s dumb as hell
If you want your kid to play with their toy just give it to your other kid. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
Got electrocuted while fixing the doorbell, and now I can hear my girlfriend’s thoughts. She’s thinking she should have called an electrician.
[at recycling center]
Me: *unloads 46 bags of crushed aluminum cans*
Cashier: Wow! *hands me $1*
I’m sorry I whispered “a weem a way” over and over during your jungle safari slide show…
Q. Why did the ghost’s dessert come back when he threw it?
A. It was a boo meringue
Not reading the replies to this
Me watching any college movie:
WHY AREN’T THESE KIDS STUDYING
[rubs magic lamp]
GENIE: You get 3 wishes
“Anything?”
GENIE: No wishin for more wishes
“I wish for more genies”
GENIE: I don’t like you
If you add ‘ish’ on the end of the time, you’re not really late.
I wear black because it’s slimming. Exercise is also slimming, but like I said, I wear black.
After multiple failed attempts to sleep in my bed my 3yr old came creeping in wearing sun glasses. After being denied once again she said “I tried a disguise this time. I thought for sure it would work.”
Me singing a couple lines of a song: Alexa find this for me
Alexa: playing video
“Top 10 Creepiest Animal Sounds”
if you eat one piece of bread shortly after you’re born and another piece right before you die, all food is a sandwich
My toddler just woke up and went to the pantry to get herself Doritos for breakfast.
Apparently she’s ready to be a teenager now.
My neighbor’s 2yo is on my front lawn shouting NO NO NO NO. Not sure what she’s protesting but I’m gonna go join her.
Me buying frivolous things: Well, you have to spend money to spend money.