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Why eat high-calorie yogurt when you can just have ice cream for breakfast instead?
cop: *vomits*
detective: first axe murder, huh?
You can take your favorite hat on vacation or you can take a junk hat in case you lose it. I have forgotten both.
England’s gonna have a rude awakening when they go to war and all their knights are actors and musicians.
I’ve started insulting people exclusively with bird names, if you don’t like it then cope you red breasted nuthatch
Your boss will respect you more if you sometimes disagree, especially if you touch their face and say “You silly goose.”
If you don’t know the right way to bend your knees and lower yourself for exercise purposes then you don’t know squat.
Great news everyone! the priest who took my confession is expected to make a full recovery
“My Ex is amazing in all ways. My Ex is smarter, more successful, and more attractive than I am.”
– bumper sticker I put on my Ex’s car
I bought new running shoes. They look really good while I sit outside and smoke
no bro, *you* live in a society. I live with my parents
Told my wife I wanted our kids every other weekend and she reminded me that we’re married & live together so I’d have to see them every day.
DAD: All I want you to do is get some water. This is the simplest task I can possibly imagine. Promise me you won’t bungle this.
JACK AND JILL: We’re on it.
Locksmith *testing new door* this will make you more secure
Me: Great, thank you![Midnight]
Me *phoning him as I worry if my friends like me* it hasn’t worked
New notice I stuck up in town this morning. Are you this person?
“I can’t please everybody.”
“You’re not pleasing anybody.”
“So you agree with me.”
[doctor’s office]
Me: My eye hurts.
Doctor: Okay. But first let’s have you step up on this scale so we can see how fat you are.
After significant research, I can confirm that toddlers will not go away if you ignore them.
comic about CROWDSURFIN #hiveworks
I wonder why nobody told Forrest Gump’s mom that all you have to do is flip over the box of chocolates and it tells you what’s inside.
can’t bark with your mouth full
“If all your friends jumped”
‘Yes’
“But if they”
‘Yes’
“But”
‘IF I EVER GET FRIENDS I’M GOING TO DO WHATEVER THEY WANT ME TO, OK MOM?
the average goat is 9 carrots tall if you measure goats in carrots
If you wear a falconry glove to the park and frantically look around the sky everyone with a small dog will leave.
After clipping my toddler’s fingernails for over 2 years, I think I could diffuse a bomb while riding a roller coaster.
Look, lady: Your boyfriend can either read Roman numerals or understand emojis, but you can’t have both.
exec: i have a new band that’s going to tear up the charts
ceo: what’s the name
exec: duran duran duran
ceo: that’s way too many durans
exec: we can cut it down to just duran, sir
ceo: hmm now i’m worried that’s not enough durans
exec: i have an excellent idea then, sir
I was a teenager when “Go to your room” was a punishment and not the same as saying “Go to your arcade/shopping mall/video chat room/infinite music and video library/recording booth/photo studio.”
marriage advice: if you ask “is that guy a double agent?” enough times your husband will hand you the remote.
(Court)
Judge: You’re on trial for excessive use of astronomy puns. How do you plead?Defendant: *leans in until lips are on mic* No comet.