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i may not be eating healthily rn but am i sleeping well? also no.
Ladies, if you’re looking for romance, now is the time of year to move to a small town in order to save your grandfather’s business from the guy who also happens to secretly be the love of your life
I don’t hate my job. I just really enjoy curling up in a ball and sobbing under a blanket in the backseat of my car during lunch.
One of the great things about being a dad is how easy it is to launder my own desire for ice cream through my children
Level of drunkenness: fed the ATM pizza.
No, I always make this wincing face when I talk to people saying awful shit. It’s not just you.
Kids today will tell you how they hate tomatoes while eating chips and salsa.
There are exactly 2 options for headphone cord sizes:
1. Headphone users have torsos?
2. Giraffe strangler
Just how popey was the pope today?
My wife and I tried for a long time to have kids. Nearly 12 minutes one night.
*84th flr*
CW: You look sad, can I cheer you up?
M: Heard Van Halen’s “Jump”?
CW: Sure!
Me: Jump out that window and sing it on the way down
I fear one day my gf will figure out every romantic thing I say to her is a line from Brokeback Mountain.
“She’s more afraid of you than you are of her,” the mother reassures her child, as I scramble away to keep it from touching me.
Obamacare? More like “Obama? I don’t care for that guy!!!” Honk if you want poor people to die
The average time it takes for an elderly woman to get her ringing cellphone out of her purse is 11 days.
If 2 or more nachos are stuck together they count as one. Unfortunately the same rule does not apply to dishwasher pods. I know this now
growing up there was a cody in every elementary school class but as an adult i haven’t met a cody in years. where did they go
I’ve never been sucker punched but I have had someone pick up the land line when I was trying to connect to dial up, so same
[whispering to my wife with tears in my eyes as we watch our daughter’s piano recital] She’s terrible
I haven’t been to Starbucks in two weeks and I’ve saved eight thousand dollars.
[first day as a 911 operator]
me: nine hundred and eleven what is your emergency
Me: My wife left me to go help colonize Mars
Therapist: That’s unsettling
Me: Actually, it’s the exact opposite
Of course men used to think women were witches. Women threw some yeast and flour together and “poof” there’s bread. Witches, I tell you.
Through a telescope, I see a woman on a planet light years away.
She waves.
I wave.
I awkwardly realize she is waving to the guy behind me.
Like that whole spinach in the teeth thing, I never know if it’s polite to tell a lizard person when they have a little tear in their human suit.
wife: go see if the baby sleeping
*walks into baby’s room*
baby: corporations exploit our
insecurities for profitme: no babe she woke af
[First Date]
Me: Mom said be wary of a full moon.
Moon: That’s no excuse for eating my food.
We’d never met, or even spoken, but I could tell just from gazing into her pale blue eyes I had stepped on her toe.
Imagine if spiders screamed at us when we found them.