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Protip: Never look up from your breakfast if you hear the words “gruesome discovery” coming from your TV on the morning news.
“I totally didn’t say that.” – God
cop: where were u between 7 and 8
me: third grade? idk
Driving mom somewhere: 45 min monolog on health troubles of people I never met
Driving dad somewhere: 43 min of silence; 2 min on gas prices
E-thugs. Because talking shit in person is dangerous.
Me neighbor and I just exchanged nods acknowledging we’re both wearing the same outfit as yesterday.
WIFE: Please stop.
ME: Stop what?
WIFE: Singing in the shower.
ME: What’s the big deal?
WIFE: You’re scaring everyone at Home Depot.
I could literally be on fire burning to death and my kids would ask me to open their snack rather than any other adult around.
*waking up to dog kisses*
Good morning…such a good boy…yes I love you too…you raided the garbage again didn’t you…
when i got diagnosed with adhd (as an adult) the psychiatrist referred me to some helpful articles and i was like mm not sure you fully understand the situation
Cop: Did you murder all your friends and make a smoothie out of their dead bodies?
Strawberry Shortcake: I’ve been berry naughty!
“MEANWHILE IN MONTANA: A handful of cows found their way into a newly built home and lived in it for a month before being noticed.
The family was moving from Washington. The Aunt was supposed to be checking on the place, but she didn’t. A rancher had filed a report about missing
They say that exercise may help you live longer. Guess the grim reaper doesn’t want to make that much of an effort to catch up with you when you’re walking.
*walks past yoga studio*
*looks in window*
*eyes widen*Awesome. It’s like kindergarten.
*walks into class*
*unrolls mat*
*takes a nap*
“Friends” ended in 2004 and had a reunion this week, which means the cicadas think it was on the whole time
Sensei: always expect the unexpected *pulls out picnic blanket*
Me: *instantly pulls out picnic basket*
Sensei: *hands me ninja diploma*
Her: The laundry pods are missing!
Me: Oh really?
H: Did you eat them again?
M: Absolutely not *burps bubbles* why?
H: JUST CALL IT A HUNCH!
I’m going to steal my own tweets and get mad at myself.
When I’m at a restaurant and see ‘secret sauce’ on the menu, I immediately tell the people at the table next to me
I called my 2yo handsome today and he proceeded to stare at his hands for the next 5 minutes.
Others: if you want your house to smell like xmas take a pot of water & add sliced oranges,cinnamon sticks, vanilla, peppercorns, cranberries, forage for 3 pine branches and simmer all day
Me: lights xmas candle
I’ve done the math, and 97% of people who “light up a room” get murdered.
How can I say no to this ?
“please retain for your records” – bold of you to assume that I, a person who still has to dig boxes out of the trashcan bc i forgot to read the recipe, have “records.”
Let me show you how you can claim your dog as a dependent on your tax return.
~Me flirting
I’ve already lost 72 ponytail holders this weekend
I always wanted to run a pharmacy and put “Seriously, TMI” on all the receipts.
A bum gets on a bus and walks past a nun. The nun says “youre going to hell”. The bum yells “Damn, Im on the wrong bus” ! 😀
Odd that the silent way to alert performers they should quickly end their act is a gesture to slice your own throat.