You Might Also Like
“First off I want to wish my opponent the best of luck and oh god. OH GOD NO” – presidential candidate accidentally using their 3rd wish
I think the bowl of ice cream I ate earlier gave me a stomach ache so I ate a another bowl to make sure.
When I drink too much coffee the voices in my head sound like auctioneer chipmunks.
I call my phone Lois because it doesn’t recognize me without my glasses
I used to wrap all of my teen brother’s Christmas gifts in Victoria’s Secret boxes, which was a great conversation starter when he had friends over.
“Office worker” stock photos are scary. Anyone grinning ear-to-ear at a PowerPoint presentation probably has an ex-boyfriend in her freezer.
Sometimes? I’m slipping
cat faces on other animals, a thread
5 lil monkeys jumping on the bed
one fell off & bumped his head
called the doctor & the doctor said
U DO NOT HAVE A PERMIT FOR THESE ANIMALS
Fact: In the U.K., many Air Traffic Controllers don’t work in airports, but in buildings miles away. Whereas in France, most Air Traffic Controllers don’t work at all.
Food that tastes nothing like its name:
egg roll
pineapple
hamster
Another couple invited my husband and me to do a triathlon and it’s way worse than we thought. Apparently “doing a triathlon together” is code for “doing a triathlon together.”
I hit my daily fruit intake yesterday by eating all the fruit garnishments in and on my drinks
[my gf actually turns into a worm]
me: oh my god. it’s ok, i’ll still go out with you
my worm gf: [sees a cool worm wearing a leather jacket] i think we should see other people
Newton taught us that a body at rest will remain at rest, a body in motion will remain in motion, and that figs taste good in cookies.
Sure a sense of humor is important but marry you somebody who knows plumbing bc that’s forever.
By Kate Hatos
*uses 2 pens to tap out the drum solo from In The Air Tonight by Phil Collins during my disciplinary with HR
Me: I’m gonna take a nap
Him: ok I’ll go in the next room and make lots of noise
Marge is going for a more natural hairstyle
Before college I didn’t have a degree, or money, or any idea what I was doing with my life. But NOW I have a degree.
ME: I started being confused in school.
THERAPIST: Sexual confusion is norm-
ME: If America is the best country why do we use #2 pencils?
Stop screaming at me like you’re the only one who realizes our kitchen is on fire. The arrogance.
Me: You can’t fire me, I quit!
Boss: You can’t quit, I fired you!
Me: You can’t quit me, I’m fire!
Boss:…
*our eyes lock and we kiss*
My husband won’t let me pick up wood at Home Depot because he doesn’t want it scratched or bent but I can take care of his children daily.
my phone: here’s a
n o t i f i c a t i o nme: not now my little radiation rectangle, not now
If you walk up to me with a plate of food and say “Matt?”
My name will always be Matt.
*First Passover*
The Lord: And you shall consume the meat of the lamb this same night, eating it roasted with unleavened bread and bitter herbs
Me: Like a gyro?
The Lord: Not exactly…
Me: HEY EVERYBODY GOD SAYS WE’RE HAVIN GYROS
If you wear oversized sweats to the grocery store, and an attractive man smiles at you, is it a flirty smile or a pity smile?