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I’ve lost my voice, and I’ve gotta say, everyone at work seems pretty damn happy about it
this is the kind of chaos i demand from a pharmacy
* on a date snuggling *
Me: Did you enjoy dinner?
Her: Yeah, but now I feel fat.
Me: Get your hands off my belly.
Shoutout to all the bank robbers who aren’t being taken seriously anymore.
*Opens freezer*
Yo ice! Whatchu upto?
“Just chillin.”
Haha!
“HAHA!”
Hehe.
“Drunk again huh?”
Yeah.
Me when I hear gossip
Melania Trump says her husband is “not Hitler.” That’s true. Hitler had a mustache and adult-sized hands.
I took my sandwich out of the bag and I saw THIS! I went back and spoke with the manager an demanded an explanation. He looked confused, so I pointed at the writing and asked why someone felt the need to write it. He answered, “because you ordered a BLT with cheese?”🙈
The most abundant animal in the world is the chameleon. Scientists disagree with me but they’re only counting the ones they can see
(Dracula has social anxiety and can’t attend the auction)
Dracula: (texting me) DO MY BIDDING
Curiosity should start overthrowing the local government and drilling for oil any minute now.
As a general rule of thumb, I avoid pinky promises.
Who called it a condom and not a weenie beanie?
So I ate some gummy bears.
Turns out they were my sisters “Happy” bears with 15mg each.
I ate exactly 37…
I hope to be a cat in my next life so that I can make someone’s life more fulfilling without actually having to do anything for them.
*checks watch*
*gets up off toilet*
I don’t have time for this shit
Bruce Willis calls the cops to report the pug that’s been chasing him. The line is silent except for soft panting. the operator barks
[leading strangers around an art museum] And here we have da Vinci’s Vitruvian man, a beautiful AND scientific representation of how humans were designed to fold “hot dog wise” and not “hamburger wise.” [i quickly usher people along as I see security shuffling towards me]
I hate when I’m in a restaurant bathroom, and I run out of toilet paper. Like my dinner guests are gonna be scared of HALF a mummy costume
Whats O07s kink?
Bond-age.
Me: Who could that be? It’s 2:00 in the morning.
Her: I don’t know. Do burglars knock?
Me: It depends on how they were raised…
Parents waiting for election results like “This is nothing. I’ve waited for my kid to finish telling me about a dream they had.”
Single white female seeking a nice, respectful paycheck and 401k to settle down with.
Trump University is getting a bad rap. My nephew went there and he can poop in a toilet AND say the N-word.
it’s ok earthquake, i’m only a 4.8 in new york too
computer: create username
me: liamneesonskid
computer: username has been taken
Thursday thoughts from my late father…
“Whadya mean you can’t change a tire. What do you think I sent you to college for?”
Bisexuals are lucky. To the rest of us, life is a restaurant where you’re allergic to half the items on the menu.
Apparently you can’t just say, “Not my circus, not my monkeys,” and leave your kids at the store.
16: ‘Why do you drink wine every night?’
Me: ‘They say a couple glasses is good for your heart.’
16: ‘Is that why you’re using two glasses?’