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ME: does this apartment have a pizza cellar
REALTOR: again, i dont know what that is
Snacking on regular m&m’s and peanuts because I refuse to have my chocolate to peanut ratio dictated by some big corporation
kids: can we get a lollipop at the bank
me: if you’re good *pulls mask down over my face*
My 15 year old dishwasher finally kicked the bucket today. So my husband said, “Well at least now I know what you’re getting for Valentine’s Day.” YALL.
I hate when I order too large a portion of ribs that it tips my car over and my modern stone age family has to get back home on foot.
*gets served divorce papers during the reception*
[ER]
*covered in blood holding eyeball
Name?
Stacy
What’s wrong?
*nods to eyeball
Looking at the chart, rate your pain
I’m the winky face
[removing powdered wig to reveal my son, a powdered wig]
SON: *powdered wig noises*
ME: *nods powderdedly*
angel: so this birth thing should probably be as simple as possible
god: yeah i was thinking we start with an army of tiny genetic ghost tadpoles that live in the balls
angel: ok first question why
god: wait i’m not finished
Not to say my family is messy but I’ve had two different Roombas escape out the backdoor.
Sometimes I look at my toast and wonder if Jesus is manifesting, or my toaster is channeling Charles Manson.
My conscience is clean.
Alcohol is technically a solvent.
My friends have canceled our dinner plans three nights in a row. I’m starting to think they don’t like dinner.
You don’t realize how old you truly are until you are required to jump down off of something.
“I don’t know why you don’t just leave him, Elaine.”
A rat followed me home in a dark street in DC, so I pretended I was on the phone with an exterminator
*travels back to 1930’s*
okay and that’s why you’ve got to kill hitler
FBI: wait so you can just look at naked lady videos anytime you want
Flavor Flav: do you know what time it is?
Audience: WOOOOOOOOO
Flavor Flav: I SAID DO YOU KNOW WHAT TIME IT IS?
Me: *normal speaking voice* 9.37pm
Age 10: I want to be a baseball player
Age 20: I want to be a writer
Age 30: I want to be happy
Now: I want to disappear in a corn maze
a vitamin for eyes called “v👁tamins” somebody write that down
my best friend is a doula and while attending a birth last night, her husband used their shared spotify account at home…which meant that “cotton eyed joe” began blasting right as the mom began to push 💀💀💀
I’m not interested in men anymore, my focus is on buffets.
I’m shaking my hands to get my nail polish to dry and now this deaf guy outside wants to know how the story ends.
*a town in which the production of little marshmallow treats has been banned*
mayor: i don’t want another peep out of any of you
A haunted house would be pretty scary if it was filled with light switches that accidentally turned on the garbage disposal.
Got down on my knees and clenched the panties with my teeth, gently pulling them to her toes.
Not allowed near mannequins anymore
INTERVIEWER: Why do you want to work here?
ME: *crumbs tumbling from my mouth* Oh, I don’t. I was just walking by and saw you had donuts.
Therapists listen to anything you wanna say. The other day I was like “there is so much hair in the world and I feel like we could be doing something powerful with it but the hairdressers won’t comply” and my therapist just nodded
Arkansas is just Kansas for pirates.
My 5yo asked me where his shoes were and when I told him I didn’t know he told me “that’s not a good enough answer daddy” so where is he keeping all that audacity?