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One time I was so sad I wrote an entire Radiohead album.
FRIEND: ready to go body surfing?
ME: [unstrapping a corpse from my car roof] let’s do it
[single drop of rain falls on ground]
Person Who Knows the Word “Petrichor”: I love the smell of petrichor.
hen my pregnant friend pulled me aside and was like “I just wanted to get ahead of this.. we’re naming her Grace but it’s not after you. It has nothing to do with you”.
Are folks still buyin’ those weighted blankets and whatnot? Were their normal-a** blankets just flyin’ off in the middle of the night? “It happened again, Melissa. I gotta sew some sandbags into that shit.”
Finished building birdhouse. Bird couple coming by tomorrow. In their price range.
Does anyone remember the song by Sade about the guy who operated the smoothie machine?
When I have to go back to work again, I’ll have to leave messages ranting about my job on my answering machine at least 6 times a day because the cats have grown accustomed to it
Cop: *looks at license* Says here you need glasses.
Me: I have contacts.
Cop: I don’t care who you know, you’re not getting out of this one.
My mom didn’t give a shit what my teachers names were, anytime she had to write a letter to the school it always started out the same. “To whom it may concern…”
C’mere baby, let me help you break that resolution.
Yes, my kid will do the required amount of maths homework for a 6yo… when he has kids and they turn 6.
Some people can start a task and then just finish it instead of trying to do a hundred things at once like a squirrel on crack
I’m at the “my 7 yr old gave himself a hickey on his arm” part of the parenting journey.
Hashtag blessed.
My new toaster is making me agree to an updated user agreement before giving me my bread back.
You had one job 🤦🏻♀️
What time will the Easter candy be discounted?
CVS: Mam, please stop calling us. We don’t know yet.
Ok. I’ll call back later.
My useless superpower is the ability to trip over invisible objects wherever I go. What’s yours?
“VROOM VROOM! VROOM VROOM VROOM! SCREECH!” – Entire script for Fast and the Furious 6
Some guy called me a siren.
It’s like he doesn’t even care that I do beeping noises & I can purr & moan & do like all the other sounds, too.
Those orcas won’t leave my driveway.
my daughter brought home a drawing from preschool today and when i asked enthusiastically “honey, did you draw this???” she replied “someone else did but i took it”
I’m afraid we’re on the brink of WW3 ( Wonder Woman 3 )
me: sorry, I move around a lot in bed
GF: it’s ok lol
[middle of the night]
me: [taps GF on the shoulder] I just bought a house in Montana
You’ve won this round supervisor, but accidentally leave your Ok Cupid profile open one more time and you’ll be a transgender time traveler.
Most airlines will give you a complimentary bag of pretzels and a full can of soda, except for flights to Minneapolis. Those ones only serve mini sodas
Always live on the bottom floor it’s further from heaven and harder for God to see you sinning
Not one single dinosaur in Oppenheimer.
a swear jar, but for using the word “nuanced”.