You Might Also Like
I have many hidden talents. Just wish I could find ’em.
I’ve got a really bad feeling about this bathroom, you guys.
Nothing says, “I have a lot of free time,” more than someone eating a pomegranate.
I just said, “Have a good nice!” to a drive-thru attendant, so real quick everybody start saying that so I don’t feel stupid, thanks
“Will.he.was”
-Will.i.am’s tombstone
I threw caution to the wind.caution is my little brother.
dog lover: [holding dog] this is my fur baby
me: [holding baby] this is my skin puppy
How much more of this can I take?
* piles food on buffet plate *
Whenever I leave a fancy restaurant, I like to tell the diners coming in “I recommend the tandoori cat.”
But seriously- how do Superheroes even go to the bathroom?
I mean, look at their costumes.
“why aren’t you in a relationship?”
(points to large stack of books) “uh what do you call this?”
ME: [extremely burnt out] I need to take the day off to relax
ALSO ME: I wonder if there is a way that I could relax that would be more productive
[phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u?
ME: Well u know that jewellers where u saw that ring u wanted?
W: OMG
M: I’m in a bar not far from there
i’m addicted to Youtubers who think their catchphrase is truly like “hey guys” and then they release merch that says “hey guys” and it sells out and they make $1 million and then they get to go to the doctor and I don’t
Why is my phone always out of memory, I grumble to myself as I sit here deleting 500 pictures of my kid’s big toe
I falcon love using swear birds
Woke up feeling not too shabby for a 55-year-old. The only problem is I’m still in my 40s.
Wife: Do you think something is wrong with our toddler?
Me: Yeah but to be fair I think something is wrong with EVERY toddler.
I want a polka band at my funeral. I’m the one who’s dead, let ’em suffer.
Got fired from Taco Bell because I was lick-sealing the burritos like a joint.
all year 14 has said he hasn’t had any homework or school projects so either we hit the jackpot or shit is about to get REALLY real
I prefer to watch like nobody is dancing
When I see city workers planting a tree I’m like dude… who’s side are you on?
I learned German so I could sound angry about everything.
back in ancient times they had to come up with gods to explain environmental phenomena, such as lightning, which was said to be from lightning bolts thrown by zeus. now that we have modern science, we know that lightning comes from pikachus
I had a Russian Uber driver the other day.
His name was Pikup Andropov.
JESUS: And lo, I have fed 5000 of you with 5 fishes and 2 loaves
“AMAZING!”
“A MIRACLE!”
ME: *slowly raises hand* So do we get dessert or
Vet: I’m afraid I’m going to have to put your horse down
Me: But why?
Vet: It’s very heavy
If you ever see me running… it’s either away from my problems or towards an ice cream van
Sometimes as a woman all i want is for a man to grab me, throw me into bed and then clean my house while i sleep