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I don’t think I ever really recovered from that time my pet rock ran away.
who did the taste test?
Guy 1: I do a poor impression of Sean Connery.
Guy 2: Shame.
The world would be a better place if we all got along like the “Price Is Right” audience.
church choir: faatherr, sonn, aand hoolyy g-
[the ghostbusters barge in]
church choir, nervously: -oooats
[ghostbusters slowly back out]
*16 calls me at office*
16: Are you stopping at the grocery store tonight?
Me: No
16: You’re out of beer
Me: Ok I will, what do you want?
He just told me that the dishwasher is broke.
I wish he would:
1. Stop rubbing it in
And
2. Stop calling me that.
My wife rearranged the kitchen cabinets and now I’ll never eat again
Bent a spoon with my mind…
Actually I dropped it into the garbage disposal.
But it was my mind that let that happen.
“Because I got high” is actually a song about pilots, who go to high altitudes in their planes every day, and have good reason for not doing all those things in the song.
Sometimes I need “Eye of the Tiger” playing to get me to leave my bed.
ME, 10: I want a big mansion
ME, 20: I want a cool apartment
ME, 30: I want a small hut that stands on chicken legs & has been hidden away deep in the forest
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…
He loves me…
He loves me not…Florist- “Umm. You’re gonna have to pay for those.”
My husband was out with a friend of ours and texted me that he had crazy news about him, then wouldn’t text me the news and said it had to be told in person, so I had no choice but to file for divorce.
[first day as marriage counselor]
HER: we’re trying to have a baby
ME: ok I’ll step outside
Amazon: your package will be delivered on Wednesday
me: WHEN IS THAT
Me checking my bank balance online.
My kid asking me to put on some terrible youtube channel
Hot Dads in ur Area Are Disappointed in ur Browser History Especially the One ur Watching Right Now With Midgets Dressed Like Dinosaurs
those birds must be on payroll
*Naming my child*
WIFE: What’s the girl version of Matt?
ME:… Mattress?
[hat shop]
OWNER: Sir stop or I’ll call the police
UNICORN: [surrounded by damaged hats] No one will believe you
instagram: look at my new boyfriend
twitter: I can’t get a boyfriend
reddit: my [21F] boyfriend [53M] boyfriend forbids me from going into the basement and has a sock drawer full of missing women’s driver’s licenses, AITA for being uncomfortable? the wedding is in three hours
nobody:
my fish before I fry it:
high difficulty level escape room concept: u are laying in bed and u have one hour to get out of bed
[catching breath at friends house]
I was being chased by a bike cop so I threw up a left turn signal but actually turned right and it worked
[performance review]
boss: from now on you’re getting supervision
me: yes!!
boss: wait, that doesn’t mean–
me: *already smashing my glasses*
“Well butter my biscuit”
-The Pillsbury Doughboy receiving a compliment
Once you understand they’re unwilling time travelers dropped here moments earlier, the confused actions of squirrels suddenly make sense.
I thought my cat was just quiet. Found out he’s been seething with anger for 8 years. But in a really, really cute way.