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Dungeons and Dragons is popular because it appeals to the human fantasy of having a group of friends who can come over at a regular time
Me: *quits life and moves into a pillow fort*
Them: You need to live in the present.
Me: *covers fort in wrapping paper*
[in bed]
me: was that thunder?
wife: i didn’t hear anything
dog: [checking Dog Handbook]
“in case of thunder, or any sound resembling thunder, stand directly on the nearest human head”
[restaurant]
DATE: Tell me something naughty about youME [loudly chewing lobster] I haven’t brought any money
time for some seasonal decor
“Ruh roh” says Scooby as the cops pull the van over. Shaggy looks at the kilos of heroin in the back, sighs, and pulls out a machine gun.
My wife claims watching me do karate “isn’t foreplay.” Why am I even alive.
Sorry for letting bad things happen to good people all these years.
ME: [throws rock into ocean] Take THAT, ecosystem!
ECOSYSTEM: [undergoes incremental biological changes over millions of years]
ME: Oh shiii
Exercise good judgement? I don’t think so, I don’t exercise anything.
My 7yo keeps asking how old I am, so I’m sending him a cease and desist letter
Objective: Get to bathroom without engaging Boyfriend’s roommates
i have quarantined a small hotdog within the confines of a small crescent roll which i have quarantined in my belly
Deer are just ballerina dogs
Me: No serial killer will ever lure me into their murder van. I’ m too smart for that.
Murderer:
If they cancel the Times Square New Year’s Eve Celebration, I feel bad for everyone who misses out on what everyone I know who’s ever been to it describes as one of the worst things they’ve ever experienced.
I really think the person who first discovered the hallucinogenic effects of licking certain toads was probably on enough drugs already.
You’re not “retaining water” Shannon, you’re retaining the 37 bottles of wine you drank since early March
The evening ended rather abruptly after the following exchange:
Her: And here is a picture of me at 20.
Me: OMG what happened?!
Being held captive can’t be all bad. At least you’re being held.
Whenever my daughter asks if I want to hear her dream I tell her to write it down so I can really absorb it later. Follow me for more tips.
“I can’t believe putting bears in charge of the hospital administration system didn’t work out. They just kept eating all the patients!”
“Maybe we should let the bears choose the doctors?”
“And run the hospital cafeteria!”
“More bear involvement is obviously the answer!”
If I’m guilty of anything, it’s loving TOO much. And several felonies in 3 different states. But mostly loving too much.
2011: The world’s gonna end next year…like probably….bc of something w the Mayans
People: *freaking out*
2019: There is SCIENTIFIC PROOF that Global Warming is rapidly destroying life as we know it, and we need change, fast.
People: lol ok
I don’t claim to understand the science behind it, but I can absolutely state with one hundred percent certainty that I am playing a key role in the ongoing survival of the human race by making sure that each and every morning, without fail, I put my left shoe on before my right.
My daughter is worse than a twitter newbie..
She manually Retweets everything I say…
To my wife!
If you bought 1 Bitcoin ten years ago it would now be worth 1 Bitcoin
Let that sink in
They have creatures Noah didn’t bring into his ark. It’s a no
fred flintstone was the first ever man to become a vitamin