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BREAKING NEWS: Today I used a piece of wood that I kept in my garage since 2006 in case I might need it.
Me to my daughters:
Someday this will all be yours.*motions to bed covered with clothes, 43 pairs of shoes on the floor and 12 stray cats*
OK, Gravity wasn’t very realistic. First of all, and I checked this, Sandra Bullock — not an astronaut
God: you’re a Squid.
Squid: actually I’m a Kraken.
God: what’s a Kraken?
Squid: nothing what’s a Kraken with you? lol.
God: wa-was that an ocean pun?
Squid: maybe, did you like it : )
God:
Squid:
God: you krilled it : )
INFURIATING COLLEAGUE: Morning people!
ME: Morning…you look good…
IC: Thanks, I feel good!
ME: So much for Voodoo.
IC: What?
ME: What?
Me: *makes 120 gazillion meals*
Kids: yuk
Husband: *makes pancakes*
Kids: daddy you’re a much better cook than mummy
I bought a new elliptical so that the treadmill wouldn’t be lonely in the dark basement.
I still can’t believe Jesus was born on Christmas Day I mean what are the odds
*CVS lady hands me receipt
Me: we talk about these on twitter
CVS lady: why
Me: they’re long
CVS lady: is that what twitter’s for
Me: mostly
Yoga bends.
Yoga stretches.
Yoga realizes is out of shape.
Yoga pants.
*the doctor looks up at me after reviewing my blood test for several minutes*
are you sure you’re not a donut?
You hang up
“No, you hang up”
You hang up first!
– Bats going to bed
My son’s favorite meal is what he calls ‘mommy toast’ which is when I make him toast but I have to pretend it’s for me and he steals it off my plate
Me: ugh I HATE meeting new people
Midwife: Support his head
What do we want?!
A WRITER WHO CAN WRITE SHORTER PROTEST CHANTS FOR US THAT SUCCINCTLY ILLUSTRATE OUR DEMANDS!
When do we want it?!
NOW!
Laying a trap for my boyfriend by asking him if he thinks I look too skinny
I want a girl with a short skirt and a loooooooooooooooooooong COVID
i have quarantined a small hotdog within the confines of a small crescent roll which i have quarantined in my belly
Aliens only abduct the people that are already nuts so no one will believe them when they try and tell everyone
I don’t know why we traded horses for cars. Your car won’t stop in front of a river and be like, “no way dumbass, we aren’t going to make that.”
Hey vegans. Making a salad is not “cooking”. Making a salad is “assembling”.
I’m sorry I punched you when you said “Facebook me”.
I thought you said “Face punch me”.
pilot: we’re approaching 30,000 feet
me, looking out window nervously: what are they doing up here
being an adult is just complaining how tired you are and then staying up till 3am reading r/aita
Jesus: My moms a virgin.
Olive Oil: Well my moms an extra virgin.
uh oh
[school]
TEACHER: how was your summer?STUDENT: great, I grew a foot
TEACHER: that’s cool, can I see it?
Valentine’s Day tip for the men:
If you made dinner reservations call the restaurant and tell the host there’s an extra $20 for the bartenders if they card your wife.
You’re welcome
I’m so awkward I visited a new doctor today and when they came in I literally said “Those are some nice shoes”. I have to find another doctor already.
Cutting Crew: I just died in your arms tonight. Must’ve been something you said…
Me: *closing book of spells* Oh shit! Oh shit! Oh shit!