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When your 13yo is live streaming her makeup application in the bathroom you are obligated to open the door and loudly ask if she’s done pooping.
I used to have a friend named CLINT then one time I wrote the letters of his name too close together on his birthday card
Middle aged happiness is discovering that the next load of laundry to fold is just 8 bath towels and not 46 pieces of small human clothes.
In the shower: so nice hearing the kids playing and laughing together
Out of shower: oh that’s screaming and crying and the house is burning down
Her: Babe, I need some sex in the worst way!
Him: Lucky for you, that’s the only way I know.
my body type can best be described as “the more the merrier”
A friend wants us to do something tonight and I asked her to name 5 things so I could say no to 4 of them.
Me: Was the island real or were they dead the whole time?
Sony tech support: We can’t answer that kind of TV question, sir.
shit just got real
You can pronounce it “Nude Jersey” and no one will know
My mother always cooked with wine
while I was growing up back home.Occasionally she would even add
some to whatever she was cooking.
fridge ice dispenser: *10 minutes of grumbling sounds* fine you can have ONE!
If you’re out shopping today be nice to retail workers … it’s not their fault you waited until Marys waters broke before you started your shopping
The first guy to stain glass was probably like, “oh no”
Wait for it
Plastic surgeon: You’re here about a nose job?
Me: Um…
PS: Oh sorry. Your eye bags then?
Me: My —
PS: Tummy tuck?
Me: (looking down)
PS: Breast augmentation?
Me: What’s wrong with my —
PS: <sigh> What brings you in today?
Me: (bursts into tears)
Treat your SO like your cell phone. Even if you’re not paying attention to them, keep them safe in your pocket
Iron Man’s cat is a Fe lion
Me: In this day and age, for a man to be preaching intolerance is unacceptable.
Wife: Big deal. So the doctor said you have to stop eating cheese.
Mark my words, but use something erasable cause I change my mind a lot.
Fed the cat dog food and suddenly she’s barking at the mail man.
I wish I had the self-confidence of people on Twitter who threaten to unfollow others unless their demands are met.
Buying new glasses this week, so a whole bunch of you are about to get a whole lot uglier.
Scientists have proven that combination locks are a lot harder to open when you have to pee.
wanted to know why i’ve been napping so often lately so i consulted webmd….. it’s not looking good, guys 😔
Deep down, we’re all that one lady in 7-11 with her bathrobe on.
PARENTS: your teen may be worshipping Satan. Look for these terms:
LOL – Lucifer Our Lord
BRB – Burn Religious Books
TBH – Tell Beelzebub Hi
Yesterday my kid looked into my eyes and said “I love you so much daddy” then punched me in the face.
ME: hey kids, who wants eggs, toast & bacon for breakfast?!
KIDS: we do!
M: I know right? who wouldn’t? here’s some cold pop tarts. eat up