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I need a plethora of Piñatas in my office. What better way to relieve stress than violently assaulting something until it bleeds candy
Good luck trying to stop kids using their smartphones at school. Their cunning will defeat you. I’m still trying to remove the parental lock my son put on my phone five years ago.
When I was younger I used to learn a new word and then find ways to awkwardly shoehorn it into conversation. Talk about a classic bildungsroman.
My daughter asked me what it’s like to have kids so I interrupted her every 11 seconds until she cried.
My insurance agent just told me that I’m “high risk” to insure on account of me getting stuck in dryers on a regular basis
That time I tried to clap while doing a push-up and almost died.
[Pizza falls on the ground]
Hold
HOLD!
-Germ boss telling his minions not to jump on the pizza until it’s been a full five seconds.
Typing
your tweets
like this doesn’t
make them
poems.
*pounds fist twice on chest*
*kisses two fingers*
*throws peace sign & nods head at DJ*I don’t know what I just did, but we should leave.
👃🏻: what are you wearing?
😋: Tide….WITH odor eliminator.
pretending all the cars I’m passing on the road are in a race with me and the cars that pass me are Not in the race they’re just driving somewhere
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a physiologist.
Me: Amazing! I love carbonated beverages. The fizzier the better!
every nextdoor post is like “i saw a car drive by my house without asking my permission first. do i call the fbi or the national guard?”
*feels the wind in my toe hair
Who the hell called them deadbeat dads instead of negli-gents?
What if i just replied “not now kitten daddy’s busy” to all my work emails?
Me: *enters 3-45 into Excel*
Excel: Ah, yes you must mean March 45th
Anytime I see a teacher sitting backwards in a chair, I’m like, “Oh damn. This guy is about to test the boundaries of traditional education”
Thinking about the time a guy gave me a literal book of questions that he had answered about himself as a gift, and then didn’t ask me a single one.
I fell asleep listening to the Red Hot Chili Peppers and woke up illiterate.
Play Nickleback during my funeral. Because I want everyone who attends to really cry.
[Listening to Hungry Like the Wolf]
10yo: When did this come out?
Me: Hmm…’82?
10: 19 or 18?
Me:…
If Minnie Driver married Bradley Cooper her name would be oh god I can’t even finish this one
Accidentally activated “vacation dad” by telling my husband there is construction on our way to the airport…we are now leaving at 3 am for a 5 pm flight. We live 20 mins away.
I officially know too much trivia. My wife just told me cream of mushroom soup was introduced in 1934, and now I can’t remember her birthday
*Dog puts cupcake on my nose and tells me to “stay”
Psssst … Hey buddy … One hit of this stuff’ll take you right back to ’79
*slides over packet of Pop Rocks*
Someone stole my car’s steering wheel.
I just can’t handle it anymore.
[dinner date]
Him: I think a woman should eat like a bird.
Me: {devours a porterhouse like a pteradactyl}