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*night falls, the full moon rises*
ME: go, please! i don’t want you to see me…like…this
HIM: omg what’s happening
ME: *asleep by 10 pm*
Me: *showing photos on my phone* that’s my daughter in her play, and that’s my son covered in mud
Colleague without kids: *pointing at his phone* this is me in the Bahamas, and that’s my Porsche
Me: Let’s not do this anymore
If you walk up to me with a plate of food and say “Matt?”
My name will always be Matt.
Is not cake Is cake
But IS cake But is NOT cake
Me: These eye makeup remover pads are amazing.
Mom: Those are medicated hemorrhoidal pads.
Mom: if your friends jumped off a bridge, would you jump too?
Me, friendless: rub it in a little more, Judy
Boss ordered me a new office chair and I’m uneasy about this eject button.
Bit creepy of my maths teacher to put a little kiss after each answer.
Me: *doing magic trick* Is THIS your card?
Guy: They’re all my cards, give me my wallet back.
Q. Why did the ghost’s dessert come back when he threw it?
A. It was a boo meringue
Not reading the replies to this
M: Twitter has helped me tremendously as a writer, as it demands tightness and brevity.
Friend: What do you write?
M: Oh, only tweets now.
No bullshit, if any color is unemployed, its maroon
it’s not abuse if the substance likes it.
I asked my friend if he wanted a drink and he said to surprise him so I brought back a side salad.
[paying at chipotle]
ME: i got a burrito
CLERK: that’ll be ten dollars
ME: with guac
CLERK: that’ll be ten thousand dollars
“Ninja please” -Japanese people
As I waved my gun in their faces, I thought to myself “What kinda weird bank has children, clowns, presents, & balloons all over the place?”
Assert dominance by throwing your poop at a monkey first.
cold water immersion sounds cool but i’m doing this other thing called warm bed immersion
I used to be happily married…but then we went furniture shopping together.
Guys, I’m officially having sex tonight so please don’t disturb me between 9.30 and 9.31
Today in my classroom
Me: I almost didn’t come in to work today
Student: oh, where do you work?
My wife and I were happy for 24 years. Then we met.
Day 2 of being Kidnapped.
Kidnappers have now committed suicide.
I’ll die fat, drunk & happy while you live healthy until you get run over by a bus… See ya at the cemetery!
[Bedroom]
Him: *Panting* I swear I usually last much longer than that
Her: Sure you do
Him: Time me *holds breath again*
My children wanted to play airplane rides and are very upset because I told them my flight is fully booked
[job interview]
Him: What’s your greatest strength?
Me: I’m very independent.
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: Tell him, Mom.
Mom: He is!
To tree roots that look remarkably like snakes:
You’re not funny.
Making jokes on Twitter is a lot like making jokes in real life. Except without the frightened faces of strangers on buses