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Thank you, true crime show, for saying that was a reenactment. I was pretty upset your camera person didn’t stop that murder.
him: I’m like the potato of people
me: lumpy
him: no, I-
me: covered in dirt
him: god dammit
if you ate peanuts out of those bowls on bars in the 80’s or 90’s you’re a little gross for doing that but you’re also immune to pretty much every virus or disease ever
asking a gay couple who the man and woman are in their relationship is like asking a vegetarian which vegetable in their salad is the meat
*steps on Lego*
*stumbles backwards and trips over more Legos*
*throws all Legos away*
*Grandparents buy more Legos for Christmas*
i have to be eating a burrito for the facial recognition to work
Me: So, you come here often?
Him: …..we’re in my house.
Aliens will always remain unidentified because they’re embarrassed to be associated with us humans.
[At a One Direction concert]
No, I’m not a…I SAID NO I’M NOT A BIG ONE DIRECTION FAN I JUST HATE MYSELF AND FEEL THE NEED TO SELF PUNISH
Guys, if you waste the opportunity to sing Taylor Swift’s “Shake It Off” to other fellas at the urinals, you might as well just use a stall.
OK, Gravity wasn’t very realistic. First of all, and I checked this, Sandra Bullock — not an astronaut
I can judge the goodness of my sex life by the loudness of the terrible music the neighbors are blasting
Whenever I’m worried I messed up with my wife I remember that time my brother gave an anniversary card to his current wife on the date of his first marriage
ME: I had salmon for lunch
WIFE: the L is silent, idiot
ME: haha I knew that, I meant unch
Wolfman: *Drinks a Coors Light* Noooooo!
Me: OMG you’re dying because Coors Light is called The Silver Bullet?
Wolfman: No this beer is just gross.
Crafting will have you running around your neighborhood fighting with the local retrievers over the best sticks. i can growl too you lil mfers, i need them for my pagan stick art
If you lift up the handle on the car door at the same time I’m trying to unlock it more than two times, I’m driving off without you.
Son, your father and I have something to tell you – you were adopted. Your new parents are waiting outside in the car.
[Dorothy, years after Oz, recounting her adventures to her grandchildren]
DOROTHY: *Smiles warmly* When I was your age, I murdered a woman and stole her shoes.
HER: my friend katie is single again
ME: so’s my buddy dave, we should set them up
HER: yes!
[later]
DAVE AND KATIE [talking to the cops]: we swear we were framed!
GENIE: u have 3 wishes
ME: give Taylor Swift 1 extra ear
GENIE: k
ME: a blue one
GENIE: righto
ME: now make Kanye hear out of it
GENIE: dude
[holding a playstation controller while i watch Friends and pretending i’m controlling chandler]
There are a million designers working on making website buttons have better gradients and none working on the cord that changes how fast your ceiling fan is going. Literally no one knows what speed their fan is on or what will happen if they pull the cord again
I’ve had 3 bagels in 5 days as long as I don’t eat another bagel for four more days
[face down in a bowl of hot soup]
WAITER: is everything ok?
ME: could I get a spoon or something
shopping channels are insane. they be like “today we have this delightful egg peeler that can also be used as a non slip shower mat”
[me giving a TED Talk]
*repeatedly pronounces a hard first ‘c’ in ‘science’*
Do you Karen promise to love and to cherish Mark, always put the toilet paper on the roll over the top, and not leave crumbs in the butter?
Me: I always start eating a bunny by biting the ears clean off.
Her: That’s not unusual – I think most people like to eat chocolate bunnies that way.
Me: Chocolate?