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[egg hatches and a duck billed platypus pops out]
Mummy duck:…
Daddy duck: WHAT THE ACTUAL FU
Otter: Clive, now, calm down, lemme explain.
Life of an Editor:
I just sat here for a good minute or so going, “Goatfully? That can’t be it. What’s the word I’m looking for? STOP saying ‘goatfully,’ brain!”
It was “sheepishly,” folks.
Kids make friends in 5 seconds, adults make friends in 5 drinks.
Nothing refreshes my memory of what I need at the grocery store like coming home from the grocery store.
I shall play you the song of my people
*stomach growls*
*Pops up out of your shower drain.
You really should look into a home security system. Let me tell you why ADT is right for you.
Mrs Kelly: what should we name him?
Mr Kelly: (eyes wide af) MACHINE GUN
Janice, from HR: Ok, so we’re clear. From now on no biting, right?
Me: Yeah, whatever. *adds “influenced policy” to my resume*
I would give up shouting at trees for you.
“Do you really let your dog sleep in the bed with you??”
My dog:
Me: how long do you boil something to disinfect it
Her: idk google it
Me: can I use your phone, mine’s disinfecting
Her: *googling DIY annulment*
I left a trail of rose petals leading to the bed and on the bed was a note that said “This is what happens to roses who cross me”
Which is faster, hot or cold?
Hot, because you can catch a cold.
I’m alibisexual. Im attracted to anyone who will say they were with me last Tuesday between 3 and 5 AM
Amazon thinks my recent humidifier purchase was merely the inaugural move in a newfound hobby of humidifier collecting.
Lecturer: The human body is made up of 60% water
Me: Oh god…
Lecturer: *rolls eyes* What is it now?
Me: [drowning somehow] I CAN’T SWIM
I lost my voice.
If whoever finds it could resume screaming at my ex-husband, that would be much appreciated.
BFF: do you ever have those weeks where you don’t want to work out, eat what you want and be lazy?
Me: *eating cheesecake with my hands while laying on a lounge chair* nope.
Having an exorcism, but only because the demon requested it
When your daughter asks “are your snacks more important than me??” you should NOT pause to think.
I know this now.
I possess a devastating combination of perfectionism and incompetence
SCIENTIST: I’ve written several books on how to cure cancer.
PUBLISHER: would you be willing to curate?
SCIENTIST: ideally, I’d like to cure them all.
bank: hello sir, we suspect some fraudulent activity on your account…a purchase of ten graduation caps?
me: *staring at my ten owls* interesting
The “walk of shame” should be going to a bar the next morning after being drunk looking for your lost debit card.
I’m currently helping my husband look for his chocolates that I ate last Friday.
Drink like a fish and you’ll never feel like a fish out of water socially. You might look like one but you’ll never feel like one…
I developed a very large vocabulary to avoid words I couldn’t spell.
10yo checking the weather app:
OH F-Me: LANGUAGE!
10: -OG!
Me: ohhh my bad, carry on