You Might Also Like
I have the eyebrows of a much more unstable woman
supermarket employee: can I help you find something?
me: oh no…I’m not shopping. I’m just here for the music
sometimes i call watermelons summer pumpkins and nobody ever knows what im talking about.
If the sprayer in the sink can’t get it off and the dishwasher can’t get it off then I assume it’s just meant to be a part of the pan.
i’m a pretty resilient person unless something hard is happening
How many apples a day does it take to keep everybody else away
I wonder if giraffes can eat so much their stomach explodes bc they just don’t know it right away cuz it’s in their neck for so long. What.
911: what is your emergency
ME: there’s a fly in my house
911: hang tight sir we’re sending a swat team now
[6 month dentist visit]
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Me: Every 6 months
I see velociraptor is trending in the United Kingdom.
I knew I should have paid for a stronger lock on that paddock.
forget tagging friends, i want to be able to tag my enemies
A surprise Hunger Games competition for everyone who makes eye contact with me today in the office.
I joined Twitter to have something to do while I waited for the repairman. It’s only been 3 years, he should be here any month now.
Experts are suggesting you wait until 8th grade to buy your kid a cell phone but I didn’t even have kids back then.
Wife: Where are you going?
Me: You can find me in da club shawty
Wife: You’re going to Taco Bell to get nachos, aren’t you?
Me: Yes
They say chimps are our closest relatives, but mine’s actually my mum.
Someone once threw some herbs in my eyes. It didn’t blind me but I’m now parsley sighted.
You heard.
Number of times husband has insisted a puzzle piece is missing: 434
Actual puzzle pieces missing so far: 0
Being a brown man is hard but it would really suck if one day I failed a CAPTCHA & found out I was a robot on top of that
Me: Siri set an alarm for 6am tomorrow morning. I want to go to the gym before work.
Siri: Lol
[opens fortune cookie]
“Your debit card will decline, leave once the waiter goes to the kitchen and wait for further instructions.”
Like, obviously I’m against a baby fight club on a moral basis but in terms of humor it’s gold
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a physiologist.
Me: Amazing! I love carbonated beverages. The fizzier the better!
Just got my first HOA slap on the wrist and now I want to take pictures of everything my neighbors are doing wrong. This is how wars start.
Just thinking about the time when my then 5y/o son wanted to be Indiana Jones for Halloween. He never saw the movie, but thought it’d be cool to have a whip so he could “whip all the annoying people” and I thought it was funny until he told me that I was one of them.
“Grapey.”
-me after every wine at the wine-tasting
[at the office]
Batman: somebody hit the batmobile while I was inside the building.Harvey Dent:
“Ducklings are baby ducks,” I say as I set the appetizer on the table. “Enjoy your dumplings, Ma’am.”