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Hey girl, you smell like you’re going to give me the wrong number.
Today marks 3 years since I sold my red fridge on Gumtree, under the listing ‘RED FRIDGE’.
When the buyer arrived, he asked for £50 off because he “didn’t know it’d be red”.
Here’s the picture I used for the ad.
My Uber driver: (quiet, minding their own business)
Me: are you mad at me?
Me: So how do you want me to drop you off for your first day of middle school?
11: Just pull up and act cool.
Me: I don’t have to “act” cool, so I got this.
11: Daddy …
Me: Got it. Just be me.
11: DO NOT JUST BE YOU!
Last week, my sister ran a marathon. Today, she is rappelling down a skyscraper.
I’m starting to think one of us is adopted.
me: *turns around in swivel chair*
*tents fingers*
I guess you never expected to see ME again…
Boss: Must we do this every Monday?
As spooky season approaches, my very interested toddler has been asking “WHAT HIM NAME?” when we see a skeleton or other ghoulish figure on someone’s lawn, and since “I don’t know” is unacceptable to people who are almost 3, I have been spitballing names of people I don’t like.
God: you’re a seabird.
Puffin: can I fly?
God: oh course you can fly you’re a bird aren’t you?
Puffin: oh good.
God: omg can you even imagine being a bird that can’t fly?
Puffin: I know right? lol.
Penguin: [under breath] don’t cry don’t cry don’t cry.
Q-tips have a wide variety of household uses
WIFE: We really need to think about sticking to our monthly budget
ME: *feeding my pet octopus a bag of emeralds* I agree
Pay your exorcist or you may get repossessed.
Actually, I want to be a robot for Halloween
-my 3 yo, just before noon, October 31
Be the reason your neighbors have that why me look in there eyes whenever they see you
Me, before kids: I’m going to be one of those moms that always looks put together
Me, today: Pulled a dryer sheet out of my sweatshirt sleeve that I’ve worn all day
Inside you are two wolves. One is dressed as your grandmother. The other is huffing & puffing & attempting to blow your house down.
don’t go chasing waterfalls? the place where many video games hide easter eggs and other rare items??
I saw a guy at Starbucks today.
No iPhone.
No tablet.
No laptop.
He just sat there.
Drinking coffee.
Like a Psychopath.
I’m sick of this one horse town
*moves to two horse town*
No, no, this is too much
HELP how do you know if a guy likes you or is only talking to you because you accidentally hit him with your car
me: am I awake or dreaming
a giant dragonfly, setting down his tea cup: honestly idk what this is
Siri’s on her period. she needs an iPad
Stopping to get donuts for the office only works as an excuse for being late if the box isn’t empty.
Them: Here’s a vague event invitation.
Me: I’m gonna need more info to work out if it’s accessible – food options, how many people going, is it indoors, COVID precautions…
Them: No worries if you can’t make it. [No further info provided].
Me: Thanks. I guess 🫠.
Something touched my leg while in the ocean and apparently I can walk on water now
Spice up your boring roofing job by wearing roller skates.
Him: hey see you around
Me, a flat earther: *eyes narrow* yeah see you ahead
When I die, don’t burn or bury me. Instead, skip my stiff body across a still lake like a smooth flat stone.
A little girl in my class asked me if I like her more than cupcakes and now she won’t stop crying.
If newscasters are going to be broadcasting from their homes, the least they can do is show us around the place.
Watching fireworks is like listening to a kid’s story: you have to pretend to be enthralled every time, but in reality you lost interest after the first 3 minutes.