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You learn a lot about yourself when you decide to hide cookies from the family.
I could get hit and killed by a truck right in front of him and my dentist would still find a way to blame it on the fact that I don’t floss
The east coast is experiencing a “Snowpocalypse” or as Canada calls it “Monday”
Smooth, elegant, complex and full-bodied. But enough about me, this wine is fantastic.
Shades by Gucci, shirt by Dolce&Gabbana, face by Douchebag.
If I committed a crime I would simply not leave behind slides with my hair and clothing fibers
Home Alone (1990)
A know-it-all, suburban elitist cruelly humiliates two economically anxious men, seeking to improve their lives
Welcome to your 40’s. Quality pens turn you on now.
You know what they say. You can lead a camel to water but you can’t keep your leggings out of its toe
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this big bowl of pasta, but the important thing is that I tried.
All I want for Christmas is someone to love and a horse solves crimes.
I met with a well-dressed group today at work. They all wore a black and white suits and dresses. For some reason, I chose a bright yellow shirt & a chunky red necklace today. We took a picture and the effect was very casual Friday Ronald McDonald hanging with formal Hamburglers
a fun prank is when ur friemd about to sit in a chair u pul the chair out from under them and replace it w/ a fancier mor comfortabal chair
This is one of the best videos to ever exist.
Rejected titles for “The Queen’s Gambit” (2020):
– Knights, Knights Baby
– Pawn Hub
– Mate Expectations
– Checks Mix
– Stop Staring at My Chess!
judge: objection sustained. will counsel please rephrase the question.
me: alright, which *specific* Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle would you make out with and why?
“What are you doing tonight?”
Gonna smoke some Herb.
“Nice.”
-guys who work in a crematorium
4 AM
BLADDER: Get up. You need to go
STOMACH: And you’re hungry
BRAIN: Imagine if Hammer Time was a real time zone. We’d have to move there
Which herbal tea goes best with heroin?
Well the fat lady started to rap so we really don’t know what to do
If I ever have to get into a fight with a bear, I’m sneaking in at least one hug.
[guy chasing me with a chainsaw]
lol this idiot thinks im a tree
Instead of a sock on your door, hang a doughnut. Not only is Doughnut Disturb hilarious, you provide a snack for your now homeless roommate.
The ONE time I actually want to say “duck”, damn you autocorrect!
“Sorry again! I’d love to join the preschool field trip to the DUCK pond”
PROCTOLOGIST: *removes thermometer* ok this isn’t good
ME: what
PROCTOLOGIST: it’s not the one I put in there
Requiring everyone’s clocks to be the same is communism. Let the free market decide what time it is
Don’t bring a knife to a gun fight. Also, no outside food, they are so strict about that.
My first grader wants to go to a haunted house. Not a pretend one, a real one. “I want to fight a ghost,” were his exact words.
[The Rapture]
Me: *trapped on the ceiling like a balloon*
Imagine the Gilmore Girls discussing which wire to cut on a bomb.