You Might Also Like
*comes home from work. House is clean, laundry done, dinner on the table*
Me: Hey babe…who did this?
Husband *levitating*: There is no babe…only Zuul
Me: How much does Zuul cost per week?
This no more tears shampoo sucks. I’ve been feeding it to my friends kid and he’s still crying.
Must be doing something wrong.
No thanks, free health assessment. I don’t want to know what I’m doing to my body
Spanish Government: Anything further to report?
Shakira: No.
Shakira’s hips: YES!
This older woman on this flight next to me just pulled out her knitting so I pulled out my knitting and started talking to her about it and she could not have been less interested. She’s now wearing earplugs. Not even headphones to listen to music. Earplugs.
does anyone know a car vet, my neighbor’s antler fell off
power’s been out for a bit. candlelight is less sexy when you’re using it to feed your puking baby whilst eating cold soup
“I have found our arguments quite useful – almost as useful as those I had with my father.” – Spock and the guy I end up marrying.
sigh
Met a guy who said he worked for Deloitte, just moved back from Istanbul office, so, naturally, I barked ‘Turkish Deloitte!’ Nothing. I said: ‘you probably get that a lot’ and he just said not really. Beginning to worry I’m not good at small talk.
Anna: If you don’t wanna build a snowman I feel bad for you, son.
Elsa: I got 99 problems but the cold ain’t one.
I used to make fun of people who had diaries that lock, that is until my husband found the one I kept as a teenager and now he knows that my favorite song of 1986 was Jimmy Jimmy by Madonna and he brings it up when I need to be put in my place which is often btw
Pretty sure they’re naming prescription drugs by just grabbing random Scrabble tiles.
“Ask your doctor if Qdilrox is right for you.”
We can land a rover on freakin Mars but still no single-button to push for the
¯_(ツ)_/¯ emoji
I forgot my glasses at home so for my next trick I shall attempt this work report blindfolded!
I’m staying in an Airbnb and an ice cream truck has just gone through the neighborhood for the fourth time today. I should pack and leave, right?
Dinner then: lean protein, fresh vegetables, good carbs
Dinner now: on the rocks
Today, I got gas for $1.59/gallon…
Unfortunately, it was from Taco Bell.
‘Twas the night before Christmas,
and everyone knew,you were still out shopping,
yes, it sucks to be you.
Me: My wife got me a telescope for Christmas.
Neighbor: Nice. I got-
Me: I know. I watched you guys open everything.
I wish I was the morning person whichever one of my personalities makes 7am appointments believes I am.
I love babies cause they just cry upon waking up and it’s so honest
This pandemic has prompted a lot of questions like, “Who is at the most risk” and “Is it airborne” and “Has my wife always chewed that loudly?”
Celebrating Easter by looking like I’ve been dead in a cave for the last 3 days
I wish they made barstools with seat belts and dual side airbags.
I’m like the lemon seed that sinks to the bottom of your water glass and then shoots up your straw unexpectedly, trying to choke you.
me: [nervously] how often do these things crash
flight attendant: just once usually
Bought a snake just so I wouldn’t waste the name ‘Hisstopher’.
If you apologize and someone says “you’re fine” they want to kill you