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me: iced latte please
barista: what type of milk?
me: spaghetti
[ER]
ME: [scared] well?
DOCTOR: ur ok
M: so it was just a dream
D: o no ur body is filled with lizards but ur system is accepting them
I went to handshake someone and he basically just gripped my thumb and I’m never going to be popular
Justin Bieber’s career died for your sins.
You are not your own worst enemy.
You have many more enemies.
We get it, Japan.
All of your cats can skateboard.
My girlfriend thinks I’m at work. My boss thinks I’m home sick. These ducks think I’m fuckin’ awesome because I have the bread.
….and that’s how I ended up laying on the bedroom floor with a potato stuck in my ass.
Food $200
Data $150
Rent $800
Candles $3,600
Utility $150
someone who is good at the economy please help me budget this. my family is dying
[1868]
*forgets cup of coffee on top of horse*
Whoever invented the spoon caused quite a stir.
My 6 year old brothers teacher asked the class what’s their favorite season and he said garlic powder 😭😭😭😭
Girls need strong female role models may I suggest Godzilla she is a strong, confident woman that fights for justice and also breathes fire
If you walk through the store with a dried boogie on your nose people end conversations quicker
PLOT TWIST:
My husband and I are looking for someone to whistle show tunes while we have sex in our hot tub. Serious inquires only, please.
If they worked, nobody would own more than one self-help book.
A woman just called me ugly and the only thing I could think to say back was “only on the inside”.
I’m stranded on a dessert island. Do not send help.
Vegetarians live up to nine years longer. Nine horrible, tedious, meaningless, worthless, baconless, cheeseburgerless, meatless years.
A Cobra wanted to fight me but I challenged him to a thumb war and he slitthered away embarrassed.
Haven’t done a pushup in years. Doesn’t seem right with what’s been going on in the world
There aren’t enough love songs about the moment you see your luggage appear at baggage claim.
My husband annoyed me last night so I adjusted the toaster settings slightly this morning.
I watched a guy at the gym put his shoes on like:
Sock, shoe. Sock, shoe.
And then he walked away like it was completely normal.
Him: You’ve got a birthday coming up soon. I guess that means I should get you something.
Me: You don’t have to.
Him: Yes I do.
Me: No you don’t. I mean you could, but you don’t hav…
Him: ThErE iT iS!!!
To me the greatest mystery of scooby doo was whether scooby snacks were human food they fed to scooby or dog food they fed to shaggy
Me: “ahhh there’s the money shot”
Sniper: would you get your chin off my shoulder?