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*House Hunters
“Greg and Tina have been looking for months. She needs a house that ‘flows,’ and now he longs for the sweet relief of death. Can they both get what they want?”
ME: I’m not voting for anyone
CLINTON: that’s a vote for Trump!
TRUMP: that’s a vote for Clinton!
ME: looks like I’m voting twice then
the era of facebook check-ins was nothing but toxic chaos for our friendships. like what do you mean you’re at cvs without me.
me: what do u mean my friend cant come in
bouncer: theres no way hes 21
me: but-
stuart little: dude its fine lets just go
Raise your hand if you’d like to go back to more simple times when clowns were in the woods scaring us.
Interviewer: “What’s your greatest strength?”
*45 minutes later*
Me: “I’m very comfortable with silence.”
this guy in South Dakota left his pickup sitting for four days. You know it’s the pandemic. In that time a family of Red Squirrels picked apples from a nearby tree and stored em in his engine and wheel compartment. There are another 1 1/2 to 2 buckets in the wheel wells!!
I follow anyone who has “18+” in their bio.
I’m waiting for them to post the second half of the math problem.
Took my kid to the ER recently and just got two bills…one for the ER and one for the doctor we saw at the ER. Sorry, I didn’t realize there was an option to just go to the ER without seeing a doctor and just hang out.
Has anyone tried lighting a fall scented candle to fix 2020 yet?
You can try to take off my granny panties, but they’ll just grow back stronger.
Calling them “tricks” undermines everything I’m trying to do with the yo-yo.
cashier: would you like to donate to help fight kids—
me: lemme stop you right there. yes
If you love someone just tell them. Or get drunk and text them 75 times, that’s practically the same thing.
of course you were in it i told you it was a nightmare
Spice up Christmas shopping by entering random fitting rooms, waiting 5 minutes, then yelling, “Hey! There’s no toilet paper in here!”
Me: Not today, Satan.
Her: Mom, stop calling me that.
Life in your 40’s:
Friend: Come on…have a drink with me, it’s Saturday night!
Me: No thanks, I have to work Tuesday.
*bites zombie*
Nice flex Egyptians, pyramids AND bedsheets.
The girl in front of me googled “med school GPA” and then immediately after googled “what can I do with a biology degree”.
I have witnessed someone face reality.
Never take legal advice from anyone named Sparkles.
sorry for pooping with the door open but I couldn’t hear the barista
NEW YEAR’S LOGIC
1. The planet is passing through an arbitrary spot on its unceasing orbit around the sun.
2. Time to lay off chocolate.
16: If you could pick your own pronouns, what would they be?
Me: Well, I can and I choose cheesecake.
16: Cheesecake isn’t a pronoun.
Me: Yes, but everyone loves cheesecake.
16: Exactly, pick something else.
Don’t tell me about Stockholm Syndrome, I woke up at 6 AM on my first day of vacation wondering how things were going at work.
i think every presidential candidate should get a worm in their brain. if the worm dies, they are disqualified. if it survives until election day, then the fattest worm wins
Doctor: I’m afraid you’re dying
Me: And there’s no cure?
Doctor: Yes just cut out pizza and chocolate
Me: I can’t believe there’s no cure
Drilling for oil is well boring.
MY PARENTS ARE OUT OF TOWN SO I CAN FINALLY WINK AT THE CAT AS MUCH AS I WANT