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“It’s about coming of age in an insane asylum built on a space station designed like a haunted castle theme park, while a rival galaxy leader time travels to learn ghost battle techniques, and a rogue viral plagued prison planet is pinballing towards Earth.” ~me pitching a novel
[to pharmacist getting my pills that make me stop talking about ET]
long day?
“ugh I can’t wait to go home”
know who else wanted to go home
[girl petting my dog] what’s his name?
[thinking about how women want to feel safe] seat belt
Eric Trump said the Syria strike was swayed by a “heartbroken” Ivanka. He also pouted that dad has never bombed a country for him.
Wife: “Ian is coming over.”
Me: “Ian from work or Ian who is good at disguises?”
Wife: “Ian-
*pulls off mask*
-who is good at disguises!”
And Jesus said “If the lepers cannot afford healthcare, let them suffer, for poverty is a character issue.”
Register for a new blender on your baby registry. It drowns out the crying and makes margaritas. You’re welcome.
I talk to myself mostly because I am an excellent listener
Sir, I cannot take you seriously. You’re wearing capris. Capris. CAPRIS.
Extra car key
Extra house key
Extra storage unit key
Key to an extra apartment with a liquor cabinet– Keys to a successful relationship
Excuse me while I go powder the inside of my nose.
How animals would run if they were human
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
I was nerding out to a friend over something Harry Potter related in the pub and now the bartender keeps asking me “what can I get you, Gryffindork?”
This wording makes this visa sound a lot more exciting than it is
Someone is stealing cats in my area and I hope that the cops catch the purr purr traitor.
hello i have a very silly piece about hot dogs in the new yorker today!
you can read the whole thing here:
me: what’s a 3-letter word for compete
dracula: vie
me: for a crossword puzzle
Inventor of the Ouija Board: I have created the most evil family game ever
Inventor of Monopoly: oh, child
I miss when rubber gloves meant you were a serial killer and not a germaphobe.
*my daughter sees multiple baskets of laundry by the washer, sighs and sets her basket down in front*
Me: All laundry will be washed in the order it is received. Thank you for holding.
whenever I see “likes her own status” on facebook, a little bit of me dies and becomes a horcrux.
Jane Austen really squandered the opportunity to write a sequel called “2 Proud 2 Prejudiced.”
Changelings are a myth, you say? Then explain why my 5yo suddenly doesn’t like cheese anymore
I cannot imagine marrying my high school sweetheart, sorry but I’m not growing old with someone who knows what my eyebrows looked like in the early 2000s
8yr old: I opened a bag of unpopped microwave popcorn to see what it was like and it smelled really weird.
Me: Oh, that’s just chemicals, don’t worry about it.
These birds at my feeder. None of them have a plan.
“Would you like to import all of your phonebook contacts to your Twitter account…?”
hahahaha yeah, that’ll go well
SON: do you HAVE to walk around in just underwear?
DAD: I will if I want. now get me a beer
SON: what aisle?
DAD: do I LOOK like I work here?
Roses are red,
violets are blue,
this poem is overused,
just like your mum.