You Might Also Like
If you want to take your pet snakes for a walk in the rain, I have a handy instructional video on how to make reptile raincoats out of used condoms.
And just like that, civilisation reached its limits
nothing more Los Angeles than an earthquake getting jealous of the publicity the hurricane is getting
I’ve adopted an elephant virtually. The elephant itself is actually.
[Texting my 17 year old]
Me: how do I use tiktok?
Her: you don’t
I accidently invited people to our house and now I have to finish painting the bathroom I started 8 months ago.
When I die, I want to be buried with a few random animal bones so archeologists 1,000 yrs from now will wonder what the hell I was
God: let’s make their hands able to become cups so they can drink
Angel: that’s pretty cool
G: but only a little bit
A: ooookaaaayy…
G: and they’re leaky as hell
A: there it is
At this wedding, the DJ played The Black Eyed Peas, everyone left the dance floor. I like these people.
Me: Delete it!
Nightclub security: [rewatching the tape of a girl rolling the collar of my turtleneck up over my head while I’m talking to her] Lol never.
Nothing like accidentally setting fire to your hair at work to make you feel alive
[on first date]
Let me get that for you.
*holds door open*
“May I help you, sir?”
Yes, my lady would like your finest soft taco supreme…
I’m single and proud of it!
* Flips hair
* Trips over cat
I know it’s International Women’s Day but I’d like to give a shout out to all the national and local women as well.
disney ceo: live action little mermaid
animator: yep
ceo: it’s in the ocean
animator: got it
ceo: coral reefs
animator: understood
ceo: lots of fish
animator: [nose suddenly bleeding] i don’t- what is.… finsh?
me: [walks into a darkened room of people holding hands around a table] what are you guys doing
psychic: *whispers* seance
me: ance
Our Father, who art in Heaven, Hallowed be thy name
But Imma call you “Hal” for short, ‘k, Chief?
Thank god my neighbors let their dogs out at 5am or I might actually sleep in on a Saturday.
“Always give your food a rinse before you eat it,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Made terrible sandwiches.
This is Teddy. He has been on a Himalayan retreat for the past 6 months and requests to be caught up on the state of the world. 14/10 this could take a while Teddy #SeniorPupSaturday
Free will is good, but free pizza is better.
The most unbelievable aspect of the Star Trek universe is that every ship they meet has compatible video conferencing facilities…
You know who doesn’t sleep like a baby? Babies.
Aight bet
Me: I wanna chew the gum
Willy Wonka: No! You’ll turn into a blueberry
M: I’m doing it
W: Don’t
M:
I’m constantly amazed at how different my twin daughters are. Lisa is so much more positive & confident than her sister Hog Face.
Wear only a towel around your waist and you can get into just about anywhere if you just repeat “so sorry so sorry” and keep moving forward.
To keep track of us all in the 50’s mom just hung us up on the clothes line.
My friend got bitten by a snake and he fell to the floor and started writhing around. It’s amazing how fast the super powers kick in.
I had a thought so dumb today that I Venmo-ed a friend $5 before I texted it to her.