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My 3yo wanted me to use my real money to buy pretend food, and then complained I was buying the wrong pretend food, so I think he’s going to be a stockbroker
“Living well is the best revenge.”
Alexa, what is the second best revenge?
Become a minion. Get that bread.
4: am i asleep?
me:
4: mom??
me: i…i feel like this is a trick
Overheard: “My dad froze my account and I only had $4 in my pocket last night so I went to the Sunoco and bought 3 scratch offs and won $15 so guess who’s going out tonight”
*At the bar
Me)May I sit here?
Her)I have a boyfriend
Me)That’s ok, I’m 50. I just want to sit down
Doctor: Are you allergic to anything?
Me: Cats
Doctor: Anything else?
Me: Grease
Doctor: is that everything?
Me: Most musicals to be honest.
ME: pssstt psssssttt! hey kid! wanna get high?
KID: mom, just throw the treehouse ladder down, and get out.
Someone you know may commit a crime today. If carefully managed, you can add in some of your own stuff.
4: “Can I say fuh?”
Me: “Don’t…”
4: “Can I say king?!”
Me: “NoooOOOOOOO!”
My theory is that planet of the apes wasn’t really about apes but people who spent a long time in lockdown without access to a hairdresser
White Castle for the Win
The tornado siren was just going off here, but I think I can make it to the liquor store.
*turns on the passenger seat warmer, for the pizza
[invention of surfing]
“Stand on this wood so sharks don’t eat you”
captain: is there a doctor on this plane?? this man is having a heart attack
me: i have a BA in english
guy having a heart attack: that’s brutal, hang in there
[Murder mystery dinner]
ACTOR: The inn keeper was found mutilated in a broom closet.
ME: (from the back of the room) When’s dinner?
her: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i always butt into other people’s conversations
him: who ar- wait what
*octopus goes in for a palm reading*
Psychic: “CANCEL ALL MY APPOINTMENTS”
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
All my scars & bruises tell a story.
The story of a guy who falls down A LOT when he’s drunk.
If there’s a “Mr.” in front of your cat’s name you’re going to die alone.
*goes in fridge; makes sandwich*
*grabs beer*
*sits on couch; turns on TV*Him: Ma’am, this is an open house
Me: I need the full experience
I talk a lot of shit for a guy who spent way too long trying to peel a few slices of ham from what turned out to be an unsliced ham “steak.”
Me: I want to buy this chicken
Farmer: Ok. Gonna take him home and eat him?
*imagines self fighting crime with new chicken buddy*
Me: Yes
[Enters Building]
“Excuse…”
*Voice fades*
“… anyone…”
“… how to…”
“… out this…”
“… ving door?”
woke up to a text from my mom about how a wild elephant went into a Sri Lankan hotel and gently wandered around while poking stuff with his trunk
uber driver heard me singing along and changed the station…
if i spend $45 or less for the remainder of this year i should be good
(holding a pickle like a cigarette) do you mind if i?