You Might Also Like
Like many of you, I dislike a chandelier, both in its entirety and its individual chandels.
Cute Red panda trying to scare off a stone , by standing..
My fridge is a veritable cornucopia of leftovers. I am not grateful for this cornucopia. My cornucopia is beginning to grow stuff.
ME: Omg I love making up stupid words too!
HER: No, spelunking is a thing
ME: Ha ha, absototesly.
Noah could only fish twice.
Why?
He only had two worms.
#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
“moon all gone! moon all gone!” is my toddler’s terrifying new way of saying good morning
i have a mamma skunk with babies living under my deck so don’t talk to me about moral dilemmas
Everyone is just looking for that special someone who could do way better but chooses not to for some inexplicable reason.
I haven’t been in my bathroom ever since my daughter told me she had “done a number four”.
me *stops crying*
doctor
me
doctor: And no more fast food
me *starts crying again*
Me: *whispering to husband* you are looking really hot in your suit. I’m surprised no one has hit on you
Husband: well you’re here with me
Me: oh yeah
Husband: and we’re at a funeral
[marriage counselling]
Her: he always thinks he’s talking to me on CB radio
Me: I don’t, over
Her: It’s over
Me: It’s what? Over
Funny Quote of the Day: “If your parents never had children, chances are… neither will you.” – Dick Cavett
ME: I’ll have the steak
WAITER: with pleasure
ME: um no, with steak sauce
All the gas has sold out around here so I’m sending the husband out to buy a couple of horses.
Daughter:What’s a whore?
Me:Not now.
Daughter I’ll ask my aunt.
Me:You’re getting warm.
Daughter:Mom will know.
Me: You’re on fire!
*gets hungry*
*bakes kale chips for a snack because diet*
*eats six cookies while waiting for kale chips because hungry*
Science has yet to explain why sandwiches taste better cut diagonally.
[reading crime and punishment]
me: holy shit, that was a crime, i wonder if there’ll be a punishm-
[ten pages later]
me: you’re not gonna believe this
[arguing w girlfriend]
Her: I feel like we have communication problems.
Me: srsly? wow I text u like every day.
9YO: What will we be watching for the the family movie night
Me: Hang on, give me a…
7YO *sighs*: … We’ll be watching daddy play 24 trailers and then fall asleep
What if all the snakes on that plane were emotional support snakes?
Marty: I know you want a sandwich Doc but this is crazy
Doc Brown: a loaf of bread only cost 18 cents in 1955 Marty, we have to go back
Marty: it’s just bread
Doc Brown: it’s only 18 cents, come ogle your mother
Marty: what?
Doc Brown: what, what?
Why are Airbnb reviews always like, “Our host Emily was truly spectacular and thought of everything” and never “house gives off very haunted vibes and I’m deeply afraid of what’s behind the locked doors”
Thankfully I haven’t had to go out and panic buy any food as I’ve been saving some plums in my icebox for this very occasion.
My Google search history is me checking how to spell hors d’oeuvres 3,729 times.
My son was telling me about a math test that he bombed & said that 70% of the class bombed it, too. My response:
“You just failed a math test. I’m pretty sure that percentage is wrong, too.”
girlfriend: we need to talk
me: ok what’s up
girlfriend: I’m pregnant
me: OH AND I SUPPOSE THAT’S MY FAULT TOO
Somewhere there’s a person named Current Resident who has to read every piece of junk mail.
me hitting on a model
