You Might Also Like
My friend couldn’t pay his water bill…
so I’ve sent him a “Get well soon” card.#WorldWaterDay
If I was Phil Collins I’d rub my belly after every meal and say ‘I’m Full Collins’, then insist everyone either laughed or left my house.
i’m planning to eat the rich, but can i sub out fries for a salad?
“Can I get a umm…”
-every person ever at the drive thru
I like to piss my husband off by using the switch right beside me rather than screaming at devices all over the house in codes I can’t a remember and a voice they don’t listen to, recognize, or understand just to turn one goddamn living room lamp on.
We weren’t going to post a joke about mail, but sometimes you just gotta send it.
[God creating puffer fish] take that hedgehog and throw it into the goddamn ocean
Her: “How is it possible for anyone to be an idiot all the freakin time!” Me: “I know, I’m completely exhausted.”
“I don’t have a library card, can I get on a computer?”
“You don’t have a card?”
“Nope.”
“But the printing. And ebooks.”
“No thanks.”
“And databases and DVDs.”
“Nah.”
“And every year on your birthday library workers come to your house and sing.”
“Really?”
“One way to find out.”
“Let’s get the most uncomfortable mattress on the planet”
– Airbnb owners, probably
[Planning Rustic Vacation]
Me: Should we rent a cabin or a cottage?
Her: What’s the difference?
M: Well, cottages are usually home to witches who eat children; cabins usually contain partying teens who get murdered by a psychopath.
H: I meant in price.
i hate the assumption that people who get up early are doing it to be productive. i’m up at 6:30 am to watch movies
Coronavirus Quarantine Diary, Day 11:
[6 AM]
Me [waking Child]: Hey.
Child: mmmph what
Me: It snowed last night so you have no school today.
Child: YAY
Me: Just kidding get up you’re homeschooled now.
Uber Driver: How was your day?
Me: Pretty good. Just saw Spider-Man.
Uber Driver: How do you know him?
extrovert: want to come out with us
me: i’ll let you no.
Saw a tweet about foods to help your sex life.
I need sex to help my sex life, not food.
Kid: MOM WHERE ARE YOU
M: upstairs
K: WHERE?
M: upstairs
K: UPSTAIRS?
M: yes
K: UPSTAIRS OF THIS HOUSE?
M: what the? yes
K: ARE YOU UPSTAIRS
I farted in the Apple Store on Black Friday and everyone got angry at me…
It’s not my fault they don’t have Windows.*I’ll show myself out*
Hey, people who use crystals or all-natural products instead of deodorant: You don’t need to keep informing us. We know.
I cried when my dentist told me I needed two implants and a crown because I can finally realize my dream of being a sexy princess.
Target had a credit card breach? But only with in-store purchases, not online? More proof you’re better off staying home with no pants on.
I hate when I’m beating my grandma in Mario Kart and she kicks the controller out my hands.
15 just called The Beastie Boys old people music so it looks like we’re gonna be empty nesters a few years ahead of schedule
me: i’m late
boss: again?
me: it’s yours
TORTURER: *panicking as he’s waterboarding SpongeBob* he’s just getting bigger
*loudly introduces everyone to the elephant in the room
the school sent my 7yo home with a recorder and she is foregoing learning actual songs so she can “perfect her police and ambulance siren sounds” god help me
[I open my lunchbox at work to find an apple]
“But that means…”
[Cut to Isaac Newton in 1666, jumping up from under a tree while wiping cold spaghetti out of his eyes]