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“Dad, I cant sleep.”
Dad: [enters chugging a Monster] SLEEP IS DEAD. GET A JOB.
“Dad Im seven-”
Dad: SO WERE THE DWARVES BUT THEY HAD JOBS.
I stopped eating my feelings a few months ago and holy shit do I have a lot of them here now
[boy spreads his little arms]
Boy: i love you this much daddy!
Neil deGrasse Tyson: on a universal scale, that is an alarmingly small amount
be myself? the person who got me into this mess????
Hates everyone who has a cooler birthstone than mine.
Interviewer: “What did you like best about your last job?”
Me: “Sometimes, people had birthdays and there was free cake.”
Someone once asked me if I was drunk.
I said yes.
That was the shortest job interview I’ve ever had.
It has come to my attention that at this time last year I may have dared 2018 to “come at me,” and it did.
Dear 2019: I don’t want to cause any trouble. Please put down that broken bottle so we can get along.
waiter: *sets down plate* dont touch. it’s hot
me:
waiter:
me: lmao
waiter: lmfao ur gonna touch it huh. is something wrong with u
me: oh definitely
If a performance is exceptionally bad, I throw potatoes. They’ll remember next time.
Me: the doctor says my cholesterol is high
Wife: how high
My cholesterol: Dave’s not here man
BUT YOU SAID IF I WANTED TO BE YOUR LOVER, I HAD TO GET WITH YOUR FRIENDS!
God bless the hundreds of people doomsday prepping at Costco right now and still eating the little food samples sitting out for everyone to touch #coronavirus
Dumbo is a flying mammal and therefore a bat.
Having a Rolex isn’t a flex if it tells you when your lunch break is over
God: welcome to heaven, you will spend eternity visiting with your loved ones
Me: I was told there would be sleep
Battery falling down a hole
My daughter and niece have a new game where they pretend to be grannies and the game is just them loudly complaining about things in old lady voices. Anyway I’m waiting for my turn to play
Some people are glistening beacons of nope.
PALM READER: *reading my palm* Eggs, milk, flour-
ME: *laughing* Sorry, that’s my shopping list. Try the other palm.
PALM READER: I can see from your life line that you have a passion for cake baking.
ME: *gasps* How can you tell?
The best thing about the first day at a new job is nobody knows I only have one outfit.
[Dinner date]
I’m a T-shirt and jeans kind of girl, so I guess I’m kinda a momgirl
“You mean tomgirl?”
Don’t talk with your mouth full.
My favorite sound in the world is my kids laughter.
A close second is when their breathing changes indicating they’ve fallen asleep thus giving me permission to stare at my phone peacefully
Have you heard about a new sport called Quiet Tennis?
It’s like regular tennis but without the racket.
I wonder how many different vegetables they exploded before they discovered popcorn.
CDC: Clean commonly touched surfaces
Wife: I don’t meet these criteria
Me: ahahah say it again
The robot I built because I have no friends: hamborgers
Me: lmfao it’s hamburgers, you idiot
The robot I built that no longer wants to be friends with me:
Me: HAMBORGER LMAO
toddler *starts taking his clothes off in the middle of the cereal aisle*
wife: Do something
me *starts throwing dollar bills*
wife: Do something else
They say chimps are our closest relatives, but mine’s actually my mum.