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To impress the guys I told them I was dating an artist. I didn’t tell them her preferred medium was sandwiches.
I’m working from home. But as a bartender.
GHOST: I’m here to warn you to change your ways before it’s too late
POLTERGEIST: I’ma open your cupboards
“MAKE GOOD CHOICES!!”, I screamed from inside the cop car
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog: I won’t go outside because it looks damp.
I’m a mom. My hobbies include buying snacks and mediating fights about snacks.
Every time this gets RTed a member of Congress gets kicked in the groin.
My phone just changed, ‘calendar’ to ‘cake radar’ and now I really wish I had that.
We’re making cars that are almost silent but can’t figure out how to do that with leaf blowers at 7AM in the morning?
The older I get, the more excited I become about the possibility of getting a motorized scooter.
It’s hard for me to believe that the new Star Wars trailer has already been seen millions of times. How do they even know where it’s parked?
Do you think the earth is flat? Blink once for no, have a lobotomy for yes.
Just because you’ve never met a time traveler doesn’t mean there aren’t any. Those idiots probably all got eaten by dinosaurs
[Screams into a dark wishing well]
“I want my coins back!”
the thing where a kid draws a scary picture and shows it to his teacher, alerting her to a terrible situation happening at home, but it’s my kid drawing a pic of me eating an entire box of donuts
Friend: What was the hardest part of learning to pay the kazoo?
Me *thinking about it* probably when Amy left
Do one thing every day that scares people.
The Pillsbury Doughboy is a goddam monster who sacrifices his own people so that he can get a finger poke.
*makes 9 yr old son memorise my phone number in case he gets lost
[He gets lost]
*I don’t answer my phone as I don’t recognise the number
Hard to tell if the wife is more upset that I referred to our anniversary as an ‘annual appraisal’ or that she got a C
there are 2 kinds of people – those who tap their beer can before they drink, and those who have not yet been stung in the mouth by a wasp
You can always tell someone’s age by watching them get out of a car.
i hope this email finds you fast and furious
My kids can’t play at your house because they might begin to think laundry doesn’t live on the couch.
#rubbishjokes
I don’t like Russian dolls.They are so full of themselves.
T-Rex: I got stabbed by this huge Triceratops!
Doctor: How big were its horns?
T-Rex: *struggling to widen his arms*
Doctor: Just a baby then. You’ll be fine.
I am scared of asking people how old I look cause the idiots might guess correctly.
some lady dressed as catwoman is walking around our halloween party just knocking drinks off tables
“Well, you only live once.”
– Guy, convincing himself to skydive“Well, you only live once.”
– Me, convincing myself not to skydive
[me yelling to the cameraman from cops as I get taken away] edit the part out where I tried to do a flip