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The hay in baby Jesus’s manger came from Christian Bales.
I opened a card at my desk that was decorated with glitter and now my coworkers think I have a night job.
No date on the calendar is going to bully me into staying awake past 8:30pm
Pi Day is just a fake holiday created by math companies to sell more math.
If you were to open my fridge right now, you would ask yourself two things:
1. Why is there so much soy sauce
2. How did you make it past 14 years old
CLIENT: remember what i said
HITMAN: yeah make it look like my little brother
CLIENT: huh
HITMAN: an accident
CLIENT:
HITMAN: i do comedy too
CLIENT: are you any good
HITMAN: i always kill
CLIENT:
HITMAN: that was a joke
CLIENT: ah
Owls only seem clever because they’re nocturnal. All the people you’re comparing them to are drunk.
when the bartender skips over you for a much hotter customer
“How often do you exercise?”
About 3 to 4 times a week.
“Be honest.”
2003.
I can’t tell if a family in a movie is happy unless the kids are waking up their parents by jumping onto their bed and yelling about pancakes
Does anybody know what day Easter falls on this year?
The toddler has started to understand more of my BAD language. So my swear words have become a bit more PG… Fudgesicles! Oh Sugar! Sweet Nibblets! Holy Guacamole!
Basically, swearing now makes me hungry.
I was trying to create a wonderful family experience strawberry picking, but there just isn’t enough wine for me to deal with my kids thinking it was funny to smear red strawberries on the back of my white pants.
Women on Twitter who boast about the crumbs they catch in their bras have no idea how much food I can carry around in my turban.
Can you believe some cultures still communicate with clicky noises or primitive hieroglyphs?
*clicks keyboard furiously*
*adds 17 emojis*
I haven’t read a single History book that explains how Asians got out of their Pokeballs.
I’d love to have a sex change. Preferably from ‘none’ to ‘absolutely shitloads’.
Little Drummer boy: I have no gifts to bring
Mary: thats ok
Little Drummer Boy: I am a poor boy too
Mary: 🙂
Jesus: *sleeping*
Little Drummer boy: just gonna bang TF outta these drums tho
Joseph: if you wake him up i swear to god
3-year-old: Daddy, I love you *hugs me*
Me: I love y- Did you wipe your mouth on my shirt?
Most of fatherhood is just being a good napkin.
trying to carry a pet to bed is like moving a dense liquid that’s annoyed by you
First base: drinks
Second base: hooking up
Third base: consistently hanging out for over 3 months and refusing to call it a relationship because both of you are terrified of commitment and communication
Being a baby must be scary, imagine sleeping at home & you wake up at TJMAXX
One time I made a snowman and gave him a cucumber nose. Carrot noses are the standard protocol but I’m what u would call a rebel.
Please know that my definition of “busy” varies widely. I could be doing my taxes, but I could also be watching a random YouTuber make something called “hobo biscuits” out of three ingredients over an open fire next to an abandoned railroad track.
Chicago pizzerias be like hi would you like a slice of soup?
[On date]
Her – “so your profile said you like classical music? I love Mozart & Bach, how about you?”
Me – “Jurassic Park theme”
One of my favourite factoids is that the guy who wrote “Pretty Fly (For A White Guy)” will also help us cure AIDS some day.
When you put it that way… 😂
Surprise your partner in bed by dying in your sleep
The family panel on the back of my car is just me standing next to a hand, a lotion bottle, and a bunch of smiling tissues where the wife and kids should be.