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My oldest kid had a little art show this morning, and not to be out done, my youngest did a performance piece entitled: lying on the floor of the art show and refusing to get up
getting my 4yo to sleep is just a simple 85 step process
Siri, install a monolith on my boss’ front lawn in the middle of the night.
If you play a game with your wife where you pick one person you’d be allowed to sleep with choose a celebrity and not “Liz from Accounting.”
Quick! I’m doing my taxes. Is it normal to get $76,000 back when you make $60,000?
My wife can spot me dropping a single crumb anywhere in our house from 50 feet away but her car looks like a Starbucks exploded inside of it.
Should I shampoo my carpet before using my air conditioner?
One of the great things about being a dad is how easy it is to launder my own desire for ice cream through my children
one time I bought a cd and i thought the guy was going to say ‘have a good night’ but he said ‘do you have a favourite band’ and I said ‘you too’ and then I had to stand and pretend to know about Bono for five minutes while holding a Shania twain album I bought for my mom
An app told me I had a notification and the notification was that there were no new notifications, so we’re all dealing with a lot rn
Sick of your relatives? Just start coughing, they’ll clear out in no time
Uber is great because it gives me an opportunity to talk down to people that have nicer cars than me.
Dec 24: Christmas Eve
Dec 25: Christmas Day
Dec 26: Boxing Day
Dec 27-30: Every day feels like a Sunday, proof that time is a social construct
Dec 31: New Year’s Eve
Jan 1: New Year’s Day
Jan 2: Reality hits
Was folding laundry and accidentally folded myself into a shirt and gently tucked myself into the drawer and then softly closed it???
you guys HAVE to try the golden retriever in springfield. it is soooo good
When a guy on a date says “how are you still single” apparently you’re not supposed to tell him
Don’t put all my eggs in one basket? Nice try, basket industry, I’m onto your marketing scam… #EasterBaskets
Marriage is seeing your spouse happy, and wondering if it’s because they’re fantasizing your death.
Flex on your mother in-law by leaving nursing home pamphlets lying around the house.
Our 4yo played Among Us with her brother over break and on the way to school this morning she told me she can’t wait to call emergency meetings and tell everyone she’s the impostor and then kill someone in the cafeteria. So yeah, I’m feeling REAL proud of my parenting choices.
8 yo was asked to sign a contract to agree to class rules at school. She said to the teacher, “It’s not a valid contract if I don’t have a choice.”
Electric eels imply the existence of Acoustic eels
Me thinking: focus on what she’s saying, focus on what she’s saying, focus on what’s she’s saying…
My wife: …so what do you think?
Me: wait… what?
just saw a guy and girl kissing at her car outside the bar and as he walked back to his car she goes “you promise you’ll break up with her today? you better” summer is so back
I just took enough Vicodin to kill a medium-sized Chipmunk. RIP Roy. Roy’s the hypothetical Chipmunk. I named him. Has anyone seen my legs??
I took two years of anger management courses
Now I’m the manager of four brand new anger stores
Bought a bag of frozen chopped onions because wedding confetti should be biodegradable and bird safe.
I just watched an ad for a stain remover in which they cleaned a pool of blood off a sofa and it seemed perfectly normal.
Are they really a personal trainer, or do they just want to wear shorts to work every day.