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I’m gonna create chaos in my neighborhood by putting giant bows on all the cars the night before Christmas.
You’re telling me people get eight hours of sleep? Like in one night?
I practice safe drinking by uninstalling the Amazon App from my phone before I start
Father’s Day tip: Your Dad is busy this weekend.
I just pulled over for a siren on the radio so I get it, dogs that bark at tv.
Getting worms from eating raw cookie dough was a lie made up by Cookie Monster so he could get more cookies
*Dog begging for chocolate bar*
“Dogs are so dumb, always wanting stuff that’ll kill them.”
*lights cig, cracks beer, finishes burger*
FRIEND: What’s your favorite underground band?
ME: Hmm…The Beatles
FRIEND: They’re not really considered underground
ME: Half of them are
No one should be surprised that so many tweets are about unhappiness and failure. You don’t end up on Twitter by making good life decisions.
My family doesn’t know about the secret compartment under the floorboards where I keep my working phone charger, sharpies and toothpaste that I squeeze from the bottom
New mindset, who dis?
The bathroom stall at a place like Costco really has no business being out of toilet paper.
Me: *standing on the subway platform*
Subway employee: “Sir, your feet are in the salami.”
Them: You seem nice.
Me: Really? Try driving slowly in front of me.
her: i love bad boys
me: [trying to impress] my mom has no idea where i am
I got laid off from Twitter for accidentally reacting with 😂 instead of 🔥 on a sexy dm room pic.
Me drunk dialling “oh sorry wrong number”, my Dad “now wait a minute”.
I loved Saint Patrick’s day in Boston it was like if everyone got a concussion during the purge. One year I lost my keys in a pub and a guy gave me one of his keys to make me feel better
“OK…that Trust Exercise didn’t go exactly according to plan. Once we dispose of the bodies let’s keep quiet about this…AS A TEAM!”
I wanted something old and soft to wax my car, so I used Grandma.
Average Guy: [writes her a song]
Girl: “Yeah, whatever.”Hot Guy: “Sup.”
Girl: “Oh my god, you’re so creative!”
JUDGE: I’m going to hold you in contempt
ME [leaning in for a cuddle]: I don’t care how you do it
Dog barking like an angry baby, baby crying like an angry dog.
I bet when spiders see those fake green cob webs on Halloween they must be like “Ugh, tourists”.
*me petting my cat*
CAT: This is the happiest I will ever be*a door opens*
CAT: Now is my chance to flee this prison and never return
best thing about tennis is the way the lifeguard shouts the score
Threatening to send my cat to Ohio if she doesn’t stop shredding my paper towels.
I picked up a big pack of toilet paper in Walmart and some dude was on the same aisle like “dang sir what you gonna do with all that…” I wasn’t aware this needed an explanation but here we are
Hostess: It’s a 15 minute wait. May I have your name?
Me: Baron Von Gerhardt, heir to the throne of Osterburken.
Hostess:
Me: Write it down.
I inform my 4 year old that she’s going to a friend’s house 5 minutes before we leave so she only asks me when we’re going 6000 times.