You Might Also Like
Officer: I am going to need you to take a sobriety test.
Me: (whispers in his ear)
Can we make it science? Sobriety has never been my strongest subject.
DATE: My last boyfriend was such trash.
ME: *3 raccoons in a trench coat but trying to play it cool* I would not have liked that.
this isn’t threatening at all
Wife: “The two things I cook best are meatloaf and apple pie.” Husband: “Which is this?”
Whoever keeps replacing soccer balls with cats is my personal hero
Interviewer: says here you have a military background
Me [getting out my phone]: yeah but I changed to a picture of my dog eating spaghetti
Too bad Bill Nye knows science because if he didn’t he could be Bill Deny the Anti-Science Guy
Sweet dreams are made of cheese. Who am I to diss a brie. I cheddar the world and the feta cheese.
[lips on a snake]
WIFE: what are you doing?
ME: getting rid of the poison
WIFE: you’re supposed to suck your own bite
SNAKE: leave him alone
{the invention of maple syrup}
So, Jacques, have you ever sucked a tree?
I took Social Studies for so many years, but I still don’t know how to socialize
Trust my gut? The thing that tricks me into buying gas station sushi and roller dogs? No thanks.
Doctor: seems like you have a pretty severe brain injury
Me: you can tell that from a leg x-ray?
Doctor: no I’ve read your tweets
Why would I want to fund a crowd?
Telling my husband he got his days mixed up and my quarantine is actually another day so he doesn’t see how messy I’ve let this room get.
My shetland pony was all black and we called him Midnight. His sister was not quite as dark and her name was Eleven Thirty.
WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?
ME: Did Smurfette call them her bluebs?
WIFE: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’.
[marital relations]
My husband: Hey, want to————-
Me, interrupting: I HAVE A BOYFRIEND
My organization style can be best described as “just don’t look in that room.”
[arrives at the gates of hell]
Satan – “WELCOME MORTAL. DOWN HERE… WE DON’T HAVE LASAGNA”
Me – “um…ok?”
[Satan checks list]
“Is your name Garfield?”
“No”
“Huh. List says Garfield”
How to Be a Librarian:
1. studySHHHHH
2. but iSHHHHH
3. eSHHHHHH
4.SHHHHH
SHHHHH
“Sensitive” guys who only retweet chicks, you’re not fooling anyone.
Thanks for your email! Unfortunately, I have filled my pockets with stones and am making my way to the sea.
I don’t know who’s having a worse day, the bird that’s repeatedly flying into my dining room window or my dog.
I never wanted to hug someone as badly as the little old man who just ordered a “small coffee flavored coffee” in Starbucks.
CNN: The boy who cried Breaking News.
I love my new crockpot. Now we can wait longer to eat my horrible cooking.
KID IN PARK [crying] I think my mum might of left me here
ME: Oh no!
WIFE: Talk to him
ME: Hey, listen kid *kneels down* it’s might HAVE
I cry way more when I’m angry than when I’m sad. So if you see my tears, look out for my left hook too.