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The hardest part of parenting is, and I can’t stress this enough, the kids.
[first date]
Me: I don’t like flowers
Her: orchids?
Me: nope, but it’s a little soon to be talking about starting a family
Why do bad things happen to good people? To even out the good things that happen to bad people.
I can’t tell if a family in a movie is happy unless the kids are waking up their parents by jumping onto their bed and yelling about pancakes
kids are so chill, they never force you to eat vegetables, like their adult counterparts
Whoever created lasagna was totally a stoner
I want noodles
Okay
Now sauce
Cool
Now cheese
Got it
Now noodles
You said that
Now cheese
WTF!
ME: I made you some coffee! It’s even double filtered… fancy right?
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: couldn’t separate the coffee filters could you?
ME: no
A guy on the street just said “nice feet” to me can someone tell me seriously if that was a cat call?
I don’t understand how spending more money than i earn is irresponsible. i’m giving more than i take. i’m generous.
Of course, turn the volume all the way up on your terrible, terrible music. Why should you suffer alone?
itself itself itself itself itself itself itself itself itself….
-history
I believe in workplace drug testing.
That’s why I slipped Ambien and Ex-Lax into my boss’ coffee.
Let’s test which one works faster.
me: i wish i could go live in the woods
my phone: your screen time was up 34% this week for a daily average of 7 hours
9: I’m going to live with you guys forever
me: I don’t ever want to hear those words come out of your mouth again
A woman’s asshole is like a 9 volt battery. You know you shouldn’t, but sooner or later you’re gonna put your tongue on it.
[First date]
Him:”Waiter!”
Waiter:”Sir?”
Him:”Could you check the toilets? My date has been gone 2 hours. Also, her coat has been stolen”
Kid: Would you like to buy me this candy bar or watch me have a Stage 5 meltdown in front of a bunch of strangers who are quietly judging your parenting?
Scientist: Finally, my modeling algorithm ‘Predicting Cat Behavior’ is complete!
Cat: *walks across the keyboard, deleting the file*
Each and every pizza can be a personal pizza if you just believe in yourself and don’t have any friends.
Sometimes I really want to throw paper at people. Brick shaped Paper. Made of brick.
[describing criminal to sketch artist] He had the damp chest of a man with an excessive lisp. He was eating a newspaper.
If you think ghost peppers are hot, you should’ve ate them when they were alive.
Do angry tweeters know about prune juice?
A Scottish vampire aka a McMorbius
The eliptical I want costs $500, the cheeseburger I want cost $1, you see my dilemma?
Sometimes I think about starting a podcast and then I remember all I do during conversations is nod.
“I’m quite content on this side of the street, thank you.”
— No squirrel ever.
Remove all the poles if you don’t want me stripping, Mr. Bus Driver.
still one of the greatest philosophical minds of our time
