You Might Also Like
INTERVIEWER: under Strengths you’ve written ‘dishonesty’…?
ME: No I haven’t
My annual evaluation was today at work.
I’ll be riding this “exceeds expectations” high for weeks.
ur the human equivalent of having a hair in ur mouth
McDs: to recap, that is 6 McMuffins and 8 hash browns
Me: yep
McDs:. Great, give us a few minutes and we’ll bring it out to your family
Me: my what now?
I once dated a guy who left a trail of rose petals leading to a sinkful of dirty dishes.
[dentist giving me a filling]
Me: guh uh hag a hogreg?
Dentist stops: what?
Me: do you have a boyfriend?
BREAKING: area man is calculated by height times width
Had no idea why my salad was $175, ’til the waiter explained that they only use Beets by Dre.
As a teacher, you’re sometimes privileged to witness life moments. I saw a girl approach a boy to ask if he wanted her number.
He paused, then pulled out his phone. Utter joy on the girl’s face.
I then confiscated the phone as it’s against rules to have it out in the corridor.
I saw a crying baby and gave it my phone bill cuz why should we both be upset?
*on first date*
Did you know that wool sweaters are the closest you can legally come to being inside a sheep?
Met 3 other women in the bathroom at this restaurant who are also on first dates. We all collaborated and discussed our dates in here. We are best friend and will be in each other weddings
the eldest child I nanny (she’s 5) has a game where she sits us all in a circle and gives us each a coin with a sticker on one. anyways if we flip our coin and it lands sticker-side-up we have to touch the dead bee she keeps under her bed in a tupperware.
[a melon-choly exchange]
Honeydew you love me? Let’s run away & get married
Cantaloupe. My parents would kill me
*annnnd, scene*
Jimmy Fallon always looks like he’s waiting for you to open a gift he’s convinced you’ll absolutely love.
“The way to a man’s heart is through his stomach.”
– inept cardiovascular surgeons who end up going into gastroenterology
Me: I heard the Herpes Virus is linked to Alzheimers.
Pharmacist: True. Name please.
Me: I have no idea.
Called in, “It’s not you. It’s me,” this morning.
I get very stressed out when characters in movies are told a rapid-fire list of things to do and don’t write it down.
How to Be a Librarian:
1. studySHHHHH
2. but iSHHHHH
3. eSHHHHHH
4.SHHHHH
SHHHHH
How to handle a one night stand the next morning:
1. Put on Titanic
2. He’s gone, that’s it
Springsteen: baby we were born to run
Springsadult: let’s just take a cab
I’ll do unspeakable things to you, baby, like vqtkjx and zqkpmr.
My husband asked if I know the attractive, young woman who jogs down our street every day around lunch and this is one way to lose an office with a view.
ME: I wish I had a TV camera I can look at in opportune moments
GENIE: um ok
ME: I wish everyone was gullible
GENIE: Done
ME: And I wish for updog
GENIE: What’s updog?
ME: *looks at camera*
Kids always throw their shoes as far apart as possible when they take them off, like you’ll find one on their bedroom floor and one on top of the fridge, it’s madness
My dream is to become the first smart person to be interviewed by a newscaster live at a scene.
Did a great workout at home this morning by running 25 times up and down 15 flights of stairs to make sure the iron was unplugged.
Dentist: So when was the last time you flossed?
Him: Dude you were there
All I wanna do is
*BANG BANG BANG*
And *cash register noise*
And eat some hummus