You Might Also Like
T-shirts I own: 384835³
T-shirts I wear: 6
Everyone in “Star Wars”.
Everyone in “The Muppets”.
Everyone in “Game of Thrones”.This is now the first tweet with over 140 characters.
me: [waiting in line at the bank]
other bank robber: “keith just go to the front”
Interviewer: How do you explain this 4 year gap on your resume?
Me: That’s when I went to Yale.
Interviewer: That’s impressive. You are hired.
Me: Thanks. I really need this Yob.
I am bored. Anyone need anything avenged?
[first day as an undercover cop]
mob boss: and here’s a pamphlet on our comprehensive benefits plan
me: [turning off mic] does this say FOUR weeks vacation?
I only wear a scarf on really cold days. I should probably wear some other clothes too.
Drugs CAN make your life
miserable but if you wanna
leave no room for error,
try a Marriage Certificate.
Do I help my kids with their math homework? Yes. Do I make fun of them mercilessly when I get an answer right that they get wrong? Also yes, balance.
My middle finger will be answering all questions today!
I’m new to confession. Is it normal for the priest to cry and ask for a priest?
[At the stress test, staring at a treadmill]
Dr.: Just run at a speed where you can still talk normally.
*sits down on a chair*
Me: Okay.
Kids movies really made me believe that the greatest threats on earth were dogcatchers and quicksand
*crawls out of your television and tries to kill you* I’m not like other girls.
Part of the fun of buying a new house is exploring what the previous owners left behind. Old pennants, newspapers, grandma, etc.
14: hey dad- do you know what 9x9x9x9 is?
Me: I’m 40. I don’t need to know that anymore.
Hallmark: please make modern cards, like “Sorry you got your joke explained to you.”
My hairdresser might not be a therapist, but he is a captive audience.
pelicons
When the handyman forgets you have cameras in the house 😍
AISLE 7
– Chips
– Cookies
– Quackers
demi lovato is short for demilitarized love potato
You can just put your own drawings up on the fridge. Nobody assumes an adult drew it so they’re always super impressed.
RACIST: im a racist!
ME: uh oh
RACIST: yea I race cars!
ME: oh. I dont think u know what racist means
RACIST: & I hate Jews!
ME: there it is
Everybody is tweeting “OMG I CANT BELIEVE ITS MARCH”, I’m like tf’ you you think came after February ? February Jr.?
Such a double standard between men & women, like when men have sex with lots of women they’re “players,” but when I do it I’m a “lesbian.”
I’m not humiliating myself here for 3 likes. 5 maybe but not 3.
“I’ll just stagger around yelling random, incoherent shit as people try to keep me from hurting myself.”
Drunks and 1 year olds.
[landlord walks in apartment]
“I told you no pets!”That’s a stray gerbil.
“And those fish??”
…stray fish. SHOO FISH, SCRAM