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the look on his face when he realizes he’s being watched is absolutely adorable
(jukin media)
My husband watched me clean the entire house today, and then asked me if I had a relaxing day.
I get why the spouse is the first suspect.
Before I die I want to see a dog run out of a butchers shop with a string of sausages hanging out of its mouth.
Me: do that thing I like
Body: sleep more than 5 hours? Pfft lol! Yeah we don’t do that anymore.
I made an appointment for laser hair removal then remembered that I don’t have any laser hair.
me: [eating tapeworms] I’m just getting hungrier
My heart skips a beat and my hands clench. Lips quivering, I lower my gaze to the ground. Faced with the truth, the disappointment I feel rips through my gut like the sharpest of blades. I HAVE DROPPED MY CHEESE.
Dear ghosts,
If you can move stuff around and flicker lights then you can use a mop
eye doctor: your results aren’t good
me: can I see them
eye doctor: probably not
why dont they ever have plagues of endangered animals, like a plague of panda bears. oh no our entire bamboo crop is gone haha
Robin: Your ad says you’re looking for a side chick?
Batman: Sidekick
Robin: Close enough
Mom: What are you planning to make for Thanksgiving?
Me: A scene.
My dog has zero loyalty. You have a tennis ball? She’ll go home with you.
In her defense, I’ll do the same if you have carbs.
If you’re not going to card me for wine, then don’t card me when I ask for a senior citizen discount.
People who get in loud cell phone arguments in public, everyone secretly loves you.
When I die i’m donating half my body to science and half my body to a magician
He’s taking you for granted? Act differently. Do something spontaneous. Spice things up. Sleep with his friend.
I’m wearing black with navy blue today. Fight me. Any bruising will only serve to tie it all together.
And then come the thinkpieces. “ARE Cats Really iPhones?” “Why Telling People Who Think Cats Are iPhones They’re Wrong Isn’t the Answer”
The first 12-16 hours after waking up are always the most difficult.
making sure he doesnt get away
I come from a time when my belly was flat and my TV was fat
Now my TV is flat and my belly is…OOOOO LOOK OREO’s
ME WATCHING ANY MARVEL MOVIE AFTER ENDGAME:
Wait, so society is expected to just carry on as if this insane collective trauma never happened? That’s ridiculous.ME IN 2022:
Oh.
“WHAAAAATTT?” – The first almond to be milked
me forcing everyone to watch a movie i really like
me: looking for a dining table to enhance the ✨aesthetic👄 of my apartment
also me: egge?? 😮
Probably the best way to keep a lion from attacking is to talk trash about hyenas.
Me: Make sure you close the bag.
My kids:
Man, my 84-year-old neighbor must REALLY like working on his car. He’s been under there changing the oil for 3 days.