You Might Also Like
My ex left me for an attorney. It makes me smile every day to know he hasn’t won an arguement for 15 years.
Pro Tip:
On 20th wedding anniversary, giving wife a book called
“The Many Benefits of Kegels”.
Is not a great idea.I know this now.
when i was born i was no bigger than a hotdog, and no better. now i am the size of many hotdogs, and just as good
When people got too hammered in the 70s:
“He’ll be alright, just needs to drive it off”
“…and use only your finest microwaves.”
– me, trying to impress my date at Applebee’s
The hurt I feel when someone leaves the bus seat next to mine for a newly empty one is almost exactly equal to my annoyance when they don’t.
My 4 year-old pronounces Cookie Monster as Coke-y Monster and if a 4 year-old could figure it out, then it’s about time we stage an intervention for that furry blue drug addict.
16- *getting ready for work* I have a job now so I’m basically an independent adult
Me- Your pants are inside out
Give me Players for $500 Alex
“When you lose the game because you don’t have any moves”
What is checkmate?
“Wrong! What is your sex life”
Shout out to one of my friends who went to ice her Xmas cake & discovered a very happy boozy mouse in the tin 😂
[blood donor clinic]
dracula: can i order a pint please?
One alternative to having kids is to hire two people to sit in your car and start a loud argument every time your favorite song comes on.
Doctor said I need to eat more salad.
Hour 43 no smoking:
-No one is dead.
-Colors are more vivid.
-Country music makes sense.
-I’d suck a fart if it contained nicotine.
*uses a selfie stick to selfie with my new friends in the police lineup*
Now, if you all will excuse me I’m going into my closet and I’m not coming out until I find something with an elastic waist…
Since joining twitter I’ve started 2 new collections ………. Dust and cobwebs !
I just wanted five minutes to drink my coffee so I sent my kid in the other room to look for a toy that’s in my pocket.
Follow me for more parenting hacks.
Closed pistachios are further proof there is no god.
Mosquito’s are like dirty used needles, that can fly.
The gardener at my work put beer in the garden to catch slugs
SO GUESS WHO JUST BECAME A SLUG
Social experiments where skinny people wear fat suits teach us to be nicer to fat people because it might be a skinny person in a fat suit.
I don’t do Botox anymore cause when I can’t make my angry face, people just assume it’s ok to talk to me.
The lady from HR challenged me to name one of my boss’s good qualities and the best I could come up with is “he’s biodegradable”
Stop buying plastic skeletons for Halloween. It’s terrible for the environment. Locally sourced, all natural skeletons are much more environmentally friendly.
Technically every mocking reply to a crypto bro is an NFT, because it’s a digital record of them being owned
the first thing you learn to draw in art school is money from your parents bank account
He loved it so much he walked himself up.
My son recovered from his illness while I was filling out all the paperwork in the waiting room.