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At this point I’d just like to have my winter body back.
ME: I wish I could fix this problem
SOLUTION TO MY PROBLEM: Hey there-
ME: [avoiding eye contact] If only there was a way…
Watching Prosecuting Evil. Annnnddddd every episode so far is within 100 miles of my house. No worries, absolutely no reason to worry.
Start letting police dip their finger in the drugs and have a taste like in the movies. Recruiting problems solved.
The veggies I bought 3 weeks ago as I reach for another pudding
[giving eulogy for coworker]
Gary is on mute forever now.
An old boyfriend hearted my picture on Facebook instead of just liking it, so I was wondering what we should name our kids.
“911, what’s your emergency?”
“Hi. Long time listener, first time caller.”
“That’s really funny.”
“Thank you. Anyways, I’m being stabbed.”
Ladies, how often do you exfoliate? I do weekly then a soothing serum and now that the boys aren’t reading anymore, are we still doing that thing where we say no holiday gifts, then act disappointed. lol I can’t stop laughing ok be cool be cool. And finish up with a night cream
[Job interview]
Them: “So what will you bring to the role if we choose you”
Me: *whips out kazoo*
Them: “NOPE”
Colleague: Quick, the boss is on her way!
Me: That’s weird I swear that I didn’t hear her broomstick!
[texting with new girlfriend]
Her: What are you doing tonight?
Me (walking through adult section at video store): I dunno, might rent Lady and the Tramp
Her: You’re adorable
Well, that didn’t work.
2008: I want a career where I change the world
2012: It’d be great to make decent money doing something I’m proud of
2018: crying in my cube 4x a week is ONLY acceptable if I make enough money to afford tissues
I was in a park and a lady loudly called out “Anyone who wants an ice cream come over here”. I headed over with several others. She handed out ices to them all then asked me “Who are you?”. I realised the rest were all her family. 30 years later I still cringe.
*bites off stem and rolls apple into hospital lobby
So many friends have kids now it’s tough to meet for coffee, let alone carry out the greatest casino heist the world has ever known
[At my funeral]
Polite people: Well, he’s in heaven now.
Twitter followers: Let’s not make any assumptions.
The 1st cup was used in 1874, the 1st helmet was used in 1974. It only took 100 years to learn our brain is also important.
Her: what was that about?
Me: I read somewhere if a bear comes too close you should piss yourself to ward him off
Her: at the zoo tho?
My therapist is so lucky. I’m like a Netflix Original that pays her to watch.
Me: *walking out of dressing room* Ok be honest…
Boyfriend: I’m gay.
i just want a guy i can call papi (not in the grandpa way)
If Jesus came back today, hipsters would be like “whatever Jesus, the book was better.”
My phone will never let me forget the day I texted “hahajaha”.
I have no tolerance for people who refuse to give different voices to characters in a book they’re reading to their kid.
Get a hair cut, run away without paying. They can’t chase you because they’re holding scissors. The perfect crime.
I don’t know why they are staring. Ignore them.
*Holds drink up to your voodoo doll’s mouth*
[Japan]
HEAD SCIENTIST: Hey, what did you guys do with all the nuclear waste?
*distant Godzilla noises*
My 1yo son doesn’t even know how to use pockets, and yet his clothes have millions of them while I’m over here with my phone in my hand and my car keys in my mouth