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♫ Hey there Delilah, what’s it like when u go grazing
I know u said you’re not a cow but girl this milk sure tastes amazing
Did u just moo ♫
There are 3 certainties in life: death, taxes and getting stuck behind a shit driver when you’re late
Watching two people at work argue about who put the empty milk back in the fridge when it was me.
Me: Sometimes I cannot think of anything to say.
She: And yet you don’t shut up.
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself” shut up. That’s not true at all. Have you ever seen a really big wasp.
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
So inspired right now.
museums: why doesn’t anyone go to museums anymore
also museums: thanks for the $22. here are 87 bolted down ipads. tap on them
The song said “Everybody Wang Chung” and apparently, I’m the only one who can follow directions in the produce section of this grocery store
Coworker: Guess what I’m doing this weekend.
Me: No
hear me out- let’s have pet sitters release one harmless flying insect into your home every 2 days you’re gone to keep the pets amused
Apparently losing my mind was not the answer they expected when they asked what my plans for the weekend are
Abs are made in the kitchen, but a six pack can be bought in a store
Me: I’m interested in your doggy daycare program for my puppy.
Clerk: Okay. It’s $45 for a full day, and they get to just play and sleep and eat treats and hang out with other puppies.
Me: Can…can I join, too?
Me: Did you clean your room?
Child: Yes.
Me: Let me rephrase. Is your room clean?
Child: No.
You can’t buy an umbrella. You can only inherit or steal one.
I’m at 7%. My phone too. We both will probably die before I get off work.
[FBI raid]
Pig gangster: “Who squealed?”
When you offer me cookies, act surprised when I take one. Declare loudly you’ve never seen me eat dessert before.
[boarding plane with really old pilot]
“think his heart will hold out? lol”
attendent: excuse me, sir?
“depart out, what time do we leave?”
A fly swatter, but for close talkers.
Every time I’ve gone to the pharmacy for a prescription it feels like it’s the first day for everyone who works there and also for the concept of a pharmacy.
*orders pepperoni pizza*
Her: you need to start taking better care of yourself.
*calls back, adds mushrooms*
You never know what you’ll get with kids. For example I just got 18 videos of the inside of my freezer.
the thing about having a toddler is that sometimes you open the dryer and there are 20 cans of cat food in it
WIFE: You promised not to spend the lottery winnings on something stupid
ME: *climbing off my new elephant* He has a name, Karen
[In the middle of nowhere]
4: “Mommy, are there toilets on this road trip?”
… yes
“Because I’m about to poop my pants.”
Me: “I’ll drink to that!”
Them: “Nobody said anything.”
Me: “I’ll drink to that!”
love is out there. so are bigfoot and the loch ness monster
DOCTOR: Your blood sugar is too high.
ME: That’s ridiculous!
*a hummingbird shivs me and starts sucking my nectar*