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If a camera adds 10 pounds then maybe stop eating them
Wow, what amazing teeth! May I have a closer look?
~ Red Riding Hood, seconds before realising that forgetting to wear her spectacles wasn’t the only mistake she’d make that day.
After being raised on Disney movies I’m very disappointed how few adult problems can be solved by a good song and dance
if you sweat while you eat it should count as a workout
YANKEE DOODLE: *sticks feather in his cap* This is called macaroni
YANKEE DOODLE’S FRIEND: Ok, cool. Listen man, everybody’s worried about u
(kids playing upstairs)
*loud crash*
Me: *slowly gets off the couch to take a look at everything we own*
Bought a new exercise program
Instructions said to stop if I felt any discomfort
So I did
Apparently the g-spot is located in a $1700 pair of Christian Louboutins.
You know Santa isn’t real because no man over 40 is out past 9PM.
My Onlyfans is just me drawing venn diagrams and giggling
Your dad’s grandpa is also your grandpa’s dad.
Every time I find a new gray hair I text my mother to tell her I’m calling it one of the many grandchildren names she passive aggressively suggested to me over the years.
The dark circles under my eyes are so dark that if I stop shaving my legs, my transition into a raccoon will finally be complete
Do y’all watch the results come or do you go to bed around now and wait to see what Democracy Claus left you in the morning?
I want you to be cuter than you are, but alas I am drunk and you are a tree.
Nine months from now — when there’s a baby boom in Hawaii — you’ll know who took the incoming missile warning seriously.
People who dip their pizza in ranch dressing have killed and will kill again.
[first date]
girl: I bet you’re really cute under those glasses
[removes frames/is instantly obliterated by Cyclops’ optic blast]
Me: did you know that abbreviating names can be really confusing?
GF: really?
Me: yeah
George Foreman: that’s interesting
“Well, you only live once.”
– Guy, convincing himself to skydive“Well, you only live once.”
– Me, convincing myself not to skydive
Special shout out to the CIA, who were pouring cold water on people BEFORE the “ice bucket challenge” made it cool
I made the preteen life form laugh twice today and I just want to know if I can go ahead and retire from parenting because it must all be downhill from here.
Its not a joke, its a rope and I want you to put it around your neck.
[new job]
BOSS: how bout u introduce yourself
ME: I’m Howie
BOSS: Howie?
ME: Dewitt
BOSS: everyone this is Howie Dewitt
ME: *starts dancing*
Let’s be thankful Gwyneth Paltrow isn’t making masks.
*trains 1 million soldier ants*
*gets carried to work*
jfc Caroline my wife almost saw this
If anyone asks I got this cardigan from a vending machine
Join us in calling for a total ban of people. They are extremely dangerous. If you know any people, report them at once to the authorities.
I wanted to feel like a kid again so I soaked every towel getting out of the shower and trashed the bathroom.