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midcentury futurists:
technology will one day eliminate human suffering and enable us to live life to its fullest, most joyous potentialtechnology:
My son made us all hide then jump out and yell ‘surprise!’ for his birthday. If you guys aren’t planning the same for my birthday on Tuesday, it’s gonna sting
#WorstWaysToStartALoveLetter
What started as a simple prostate exam, has blossomed into something special…
[boy spreads his little arms]
Boy: i love you this much daddy!
Neil deGrasse Tyson: on a universal scale, that is an alarmingly small amount
Do you have anything the size of an eyepatch on the left & a cantaloupe on the right?
– Me, bra shopping
jurisprudence- an accused is innocent until proven guilty.
media- an accused is guilty until proven innocent.
colony aunty’s principle- guilty after proven innocent too.
Me: it’s too expensive, I no longer enjoy it, I want to unsubscribe
Therapist: I’m afraid adulthood is permanent
don’t be scared
If you love someone, set them on fire. If they don’t come back they aren’t a phoenix and were completely useless to you anyway.
She’s got a great personality!
It’s the other 6 personalities that I’m worried about….
If you liked “These Boots Are Made for Walkin” youll enjoy other hits like “This Toaster Toasts Things” and “Whats the Phone Number for 911”
I just sighed so loud that my neighbor texted me, “What’s wrong?”
I grew up so poor our dog could only get one rabie.
Dinner: I BIT THE INSIDE OF MY MOUTH! IT WILL NEVER HEAL! NOTHING WILL EVER BE RIGHT AGAIN!
Next morning: Oh, OK.
[Job Interview]
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: Chief Executive Director of Burrito Operations.
Interviewer: Uh… we’re not a food company.
Me: *leans back, puts feet on the desk, pulls out a burrito* Yet.
Enjoy this video of ducks changing their minds
Tried to convince the kids helping me to make vegetable soup would be as fun as going to the playground. It did not work.
‘Vegetarians’ don’t eat meat. ‘Vegans’ also don’t eat eggs, milk or cheese. The final step is to just stand there +pretend to be a tree.
This South Beach diet is BRUTAL. I can only eat a sensible face for breakfast, a sensible face for lunch, then just CELERY for dinner.
A seller on Amazon just paid me for a 5 star review. I feel guilty. Don’t listen to me if you’re checking out the Emotional Support Pizza Blanket
Me: Ok, here we go. Right foot, yellow
Me: Left hand, red
Me: Left foot, green
Police sketch artist: this can’t be true
Priest: I want to teach you about a higher power
Kid: my dad?
Priest: haha no, even more powerful
Kid *nodding* mom
“Everything the light touches is ours,” I tell my son while opening the fridge.
Tom Cruise has never starred in a movie where his character description didn’t include the word “hotshot.”
The first rule of Running Late Club is get stuck behind a Prius.
Thoughts and prayers for my dog. The mail carrier showed up today like she does everyday.
me: haha wow, you *really* seem to like my eyes
optometrist: again, please hold still
How are they running out of oxygen if they’re breathing it right back into the submarine
Texting my boss to let him know how excited I am for work tomorrow
Accidentally left the plunger in the toilet, so yeah the wife is wide awake now.