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Google photos: hey, here’s a picture from 10 years ago
Me: looks down and realizes I’m wearing the same shirt today
her: have i been a bad girl?
me: *not great at dirty talk* yeah you’re a terrible person.
i make my smoothies with a handful of kale, parsley, cabbage, broccoli, lemon zest and ice and blend it all in the garbage disposal.
The Raptcha…you have to prove you’re not a robot before you can get into heaven
Jane: I miss England
Tarzan: Me not know you do beauty pageant
My sons kidnappers: if u ever want to see your son alive, press 1. Para Español marque dos
Me: ugh i just want to speak to a real person
Millennial: what’s crackalackin’?
Me: my knees, my shoulder, my neck, and my back
i was at dumbass island and everyone knew you lol. why was i at dumbass island? uh well uhhh. well. well uhhhh. fuck. uhhhh
*scrolls ur TL*
*finds ur tweet from 2 yrs ago.*
*eerily similar to mine from day before*“She stole my tweet AND built a time machine?!”
I jumped out of bed at 6am trying to catch the ice cream truck because I heard the music in a dream… so now I’m awake and I have no ice cream, this is bullshit
PRIEST: If there’s any reasons these two should not be wed, speak now or forever hold your peace.
ME: *quietly tries to open a bag of chips*
Sympathy for my 5 year old who has just announced he is allergic to all vegetables except chicken nuggets
Me, at the ER: I’ve been shot, it hurts please help
Doctor: you’d probably be in less pain if you lost 20lbs
I’m 6 doughnuts away from being the elephant in the room.
No one:
Me: “The word “Militia” just sounds like Sean Connery saying the name Melissa.”
This is what we really need to remember from the gold and white or blue and black dress debate.
This is from an actual conversation 🤣🤣
Scientist: We don’t really know exactly how that happens. They’re performing electron microscopy, PCR, & tissue cultures to figure it out
Random person: Did you try searching the internet?
Me: “Hey towel, you’re looking good. What u doing later?”
Wife: That’s not what I meant by pick up my towel. Just hand it to me, idiot.
The Purge but instead of all crime being legal all cheese related products are free
saw five goats walking on their hind legs through the woods, is that bad
[hostage situation]
Any last words?
“Nah, I’m good.”
If you insist. *puts gun to head* Say you’re prayers.
“You are prayers. Lol.”
Them: you smell nice
Me: thanks, it’s the dryer sheet I just found in my sleeve
person: wanna be friends and get to know each other at a normal pace?
me: wanna write a movie together toDAY???
“Pres. Trump, how do you plan to respond to this attack on our soil?”
TRUMP: OK first, I’ve seen several people call me Tronald Dump online
Caught my daughter eating 6 mini cupcakes and I should probably ground her but if you think about it it’s really like 2 cupcakes so I’m fine with it.
19 is going to my 20 year reunion as me. Now we wait.
I’ll bet Medusa never got mosquito bites.
Just want to point out the NRA’s plan to stop school shootings is literally the plot of Kindergarten Cop.
I, for one, pronounce eau de toilette like ewww the toilet
[furiously trying to stir a stick of butter into a glass of milk]
“Don’t you wish there was an easier way?”
[cut to carton of butter milk]