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A fun part of marriage is arguing over who deserves to use the charger in the car. PROVE IT, SHOW ME YOUR PERCENTAGE
My girlfriend says she wants a fairy tale wedding. Anyone know where I can get hold of a bear costume and 50lbs of porridge?
How do you ask a friend if she’s a human-reptile hybrid, but as a compliment? She never sweats and that’s for sure a third eyelid.
My boss calls me chief, so I really don’t know who’s in charge anymore. I hope it’s not me because I haven’t been paying attention.
*finally drifting off to sleep*
Neighbors dogs at 3AM: BARK BARK BARK-WHO TRYIN’A FUK-BARK BARK BARK
So apparently going to the medicine store’s manager with a pack of condoms asking them where the changing rooms are will get you banned from the medicine store.
The problem with spices is sometimes they are not what you want, what you really really want…
Opening a Christian gym called ‘Jehovah’s Fitness’
I feel closer to people when I am cleaning because dust is composed mostly of human skin.
super glad this box of pasta says “store in a cool dry place” because i usually keep all of my groceries in a bog
I sneezed seven times in a row and my cat is acting all freaked out instead of just asking if I’m ok
Why should you never brush your teeth with your left hand?
Because a toothbrush works better.
Me: The new guy’s a lumberjack?
Boss: Yep
Me: He seems nice…
Boss: STOP
Me: I’ll bet he’s good at…
Boss: DONT
Me: random axe of kindness
Let hot neighbour guy park his truck in my driveway, if ya know what I mean 😏😏
*I mean there’s construction on our street
I’m not sure who looks more frightened & confused when someone knocks on my door, the dog or me?
my favorite six seconds of every contemporary horror movie is when they try to solve the problem with their phone and verbally recognize that they are out of their cell provider’s service area
“Relax, honey. It’s more scared of you than you are of it.”
ME: have you seen my keys?
WIFE: check your pockets
ME: nope
[phone rings]
ME: hello?
CIA: check your other pocket
just saw a church sign that says, “santa claus never died for anyone.” and i’m like, “okay well jesus never brought me a barbie dreamhouse.”
The only reason to engage with a neighbor is if either of you is on fire.
To make a long story short:
Hamlet: Everyone dies
Macbeth: Everyone dies
Titanic: Everyone dies
Twilight: You want to die
[when someone likes me]
*eyes narrow* but I don’t even like me
*me, at high school prom
Me: So, you wanna dance?
Her: Definitely!
M: Can you tell me why?
Just remember someone actually thinks your ex is being sincere right now
I used to love pretending I was Captain America and flinging a garbage can lid at kids in the neighborhood. But then my wife made me stop.
Why is it called a backhanded compliment and not a slampliment?
If you’re at a concert and the singer holds the mic out and makes you sing the lyrics you should get some of your money back.
boss: this company is more profitable than ever
me: how about a raise?
boss: sorry i have to take this call
me: your phone isn’t ringing
boss: [fakes heart attack]
Q. Why did the ghost’s dessert come back when he threw it?
A. It was a boo meringue
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