You Might Also Like
I just got the lawnmower out and just like magic my sons disappeared
Eggplants do not taste as purple as they look
Veterinarian- You’re here to discuss your dog’s salivation?
Me- No. My dog’s a good dog, he’ll go to Heaven! I’m here about his slobbering.
Confession: My dad is a Pastor & I play the piano at church when I’m home. I religiously play R&B songs during portions of the service to see who notices. I’ve been playing “Between the sheets” by the Isley Brothers for almost 6 months and today my mom finally noticed.
My toddler is crying because she wanted 2 strawberries but I only gave her 2
Here’s a promise – if a scuba shop is within sprinting distance of the ocean and they let me try stuff on I’m not paying for a damn thing.
COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *hands him a puppy and drives off*
[3 years later]
COP *walking his dog*: wait a second…
emergency phone
In another blow to Hollywood during the pandemic, movie producers and actors in their late 60s warned to stay away from their 20 something girlfriends
Some of you take selfies from so close up, I’m beginning to wonder if you’re a T-Rex.
Sympathy for my 5 year old who has just announced he is allergic to all vegetables except chicken nuggets
“I’m going to slide in and go back and forth until you’re satisfied”
-Floss
{notices you’re wearing silver earrings}
sorry your ears came in 2nd
Why are holiday dinners always so early. “Come over dinner is at 1 o’clock”
when I’m having a bad day as a parent, I just remind myself that plenty of animals won’t hesitate to eat their kids, so really I’m in gold star territory
My main goal in life is to become a cooking show judge
Mostly because I like to criticize people while I eat
Me: *explains math problem*
Tween: I don’t understand.
Me: *explains the exact same way except more aggravated*
Why are you screaming my name? I’m right here..
Having sex is weird.
Apparently when you donate blood, it has to be YOUR blood.
Hubs: You didn’t do anything today did you?
Me: I did the dishes.
Hubs: There was only one.
Me: Fine I did THE dish. Happy?
Telling my kids they can only have one fruit snack per day while I have 400 per day in secret.
I hate spelling errors
You mix up two letters and your whole tweet is urined
Great. Only a single slice of bread left in the bag. That means until I find another slice, everything that happens today is in the sandwich
My 4 yr old came in my room last night at 3am. I asked him what was wrong and he said “how many eyebrows do I have?”
Texting 15 year old son after his high school dance:
Me: Hi baby! How was the dinner beforehand? Did you have fun? How was the dance? Did you dance with your date? Did you remember to tell her that her dress was pretty? Was it fun?
15: good
There’s no-one who can get more drunk on power than the admin of a village Facebook group
Starve a cold. Feed a fever. Humiliate a rash. Flatter a migraine. Friendzone diarrhea. Date cramps. Bring anxiety home to meet the family.
Just had a marijuanapiphany:
Xbox 360.
360° is a circle.
A circle looks like a zero.
Xbox 360 = Xbox Zero.
What comes after zero?
Xbox One.
Pre-Having Daughters:
*Hates hearing “NO” from womenPost-Having Daughters:
*Teaches them “NO” in 167 different languages including Klingon