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Her: I’m having a dry party.
Me: Sorry, I’m busy.
Her: You don’t even know when.
Me: You don’t even know me.
facebook: do u wanna look at some memories 🙂
me: nah it’s ok—
facebook: on this day last year you took a cute photo with ur bf who cheated on you and left you for ur friend 🙂
me: [tearing up] th-thanks
I paid $5.99 for The Interview. I now want North Korea to kill me.
Due to Corona, we officially have three days of the week
1. Yesterday
2. Today
3. Tomorrow
I went to a school that was so posh, the gym was called James.
shaggy: help my gf caught me cheating
rikrok: *screams absolute gibberish*
shaggy: this is serious she has me on video
rikrok: say it wasn’t u?
shaggy: ok i’m gonna go
If you want to hide something from me, put it in the fridge. there are several things there celebrating birthday
[Ancient Roman to little girl]
“So, what’s your name?”
“Ivy”
“And how old are you?”
“Same”
The region of Qatar that hasn’t been electrified yet is called acoustic Qatar.
I was in a debate and someone defended their position by saying, “Opinions can’t be wrong”
I said, “In my opinion, opinions CAN be wrong. Thus proving the existence of at least one wrong opinion.”
“Nwbdy tellsh mwe wht to dwo”, I say through a mouthful of cardboard, giving a middle finger to “remove pizza from box before consumption”.
What genius called it a ‘bar’ and not an ‘alcohall’?
Yesterday I asked my 12-year-old son what other kids at school think about him having 2 dads.
His response: They don’t care but they don’t like how I’m immune to “Yo Mama” jokes.
*gets first nose bleed since childhood*
Apparently our periods have synced, can I have some Midol and a tampon?
I’m “When I get a haircut I think she cuts more hair off my ears and eyebrows than my head” years old.
I imagine by now all you Evian drinkers have read the name backwards?
hi, grandma? can u come pick me up from my rap battle? it’s over. no, i lost. he saw u drop me off & did a pretty devastating rhyme about it
ME: I’m not voting for anyone
CLINTON: that’s a vote for Trump!
TRUMP: that’s a vote for Clinton!
ME: looks like I’m voting twice then
Tax tip: Even if it’s true, never list your dog as head of household. They’ll roll over under audit.
Celery is depressing green water wafers.
I have a huge to do list I just have to figure out who’s gonna do it
(Family Reunion)
Me: …and the real loud guy who keeps talking with his mouth full?
Wife: That’s Murray…He’s my cousin once removed.
Me: Any chance we can remove him again?
If I was Juliet I would of said something more like this: Romeo , Romeo! Wherefore art my pizza, Romeo!?
Gravy boats are the opposite of boats
Death: I’ve come for you.
Me: That’s what she said.
D (bursts out laughing): You get me with that one every time! Ok, see ya.
Dear people who question why girls go to the bathroom together – Hermione went alone and got attacked by a troll
[text]
me: miss you, love you, wish you were herepizza delivery driver: sir, we said 30 min or less
*Meets new person, forgets their name two seconds after they say it. Spends the next ten minutes hoping others in the conversation will say their name so I don’t have to ask.
[using a dust pan for the first time]
Me: honey, how long until this dirt is cooked
Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: In a mirror probably unless new technology exists.
[interviewer thinking] holy smokes he’s good