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[sees cute girl jog by]
“Imma run up and ask her out”
[one block later still not caught up]
“Ok, wow, we probably weren’t soul mates anyway”
He kept asking to see “more” of me but for some reason my colonoscopy results were “too much”
Foh
Sexting:
Him: What do you like in the bedroom?
Me: Sleeping.
Him: No, I meant what can I do to make you happy in the bedroom?
Me: Close the door on your way out.
Him: No, I meant…
Me: Also lock the door.
<- sleeps well with others
My daughter was worried that I would embarrass her on this college tour but that was before I showed everyone how well I could twerk
God bless the parents who volunteer to coach kids sports because I spent 8 minutes trying to teach just my kid a good batting stance and wanted to torch the whole softball field.
My baby: Blabalaba! Bolababa!
Me: Yeah, that’s a fair point – I guess it’s really a personal choice, not a matter of figuring out one best practice for everyone. Thanks for talking this out with me.
Me: Dishwasher’s broken.
16: I’m sorry.
Me: Did you break it?
16: No, I meant, like, “I’m sorry for your loss.”
“Make Them Riot” was my band in high school. We did reggae covers of Carpenters songs.
Gotta love the Dead Kennedys
Then they came for the bins, and I did not speak out, because I was not a bin man, and they were, and that was their job.
Are people who write “prolly” rather than “probably” just lazy, completely illiterate, or do they actually think that’s a word?
Take your ex out tonight (one bullet oughtta do it)
[being murdered by neighbor]
*I pretend not to see him so I don’t have to make small talk*
Bryan Adams: in the summer of ‘69
Danny Zuko: I remember it well because my mouth got all sandy
you use, so many commas, I can only read your tweets, like Christopher Walken
Me: Do you want McD or KFC for dinner?
Hubs: Can’t you make something? Any ideas?
Me: Divorce
I’m excuse, what’s your drunk
Plumber: you have hard water.
Me: you mean like ice?
Someone posted a cute pic of several fluffy little baby chicks in a bucket and all I could think was “KFC preview.”
me: this one looks dangerous
dermatologist: that’s chocolate
Remember to horrify your friends and family by testing out your tweets on Facebook today
I’m afraid we’re on the brink of WW3 ( Wonder Woman 3 )
It was just that one time that autocorrect changed mourning to mounting, but never again would my wife ask me to write the eulogy for one of her elderly relatives.
Interviewer: If you get this job what will you bring to the team?
Me: cake…I’ll bring cake
Woke up against my better judgment again
See that sad girl up on the hill with tears ?
That’s not me..I’m the one over there running away from a goose with a corn dog in my hand.
Accidentally deleted an invitation to join LinkedIn from a friend. I doubt I’ll ever get an opportunity like that again.