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daughter: dad I can count to 100 want to hear?
me: absolutely
daughter: ok *deep breath* I’m going to do it in my head. I’ll let you know when I’m done
Just completed a task that I’d been putting off for months. It took ages and was massively inconvenient, I was right to delay it as much as possible. I will learn much from this.
My daughter got to pack her own lunch for the last day of school and it included a donut, 2 bags of chips, a shaker of sprinkles, and 1 tiny baby carrot because “it’s important to be healthy”
Him: So tell me something about yourself.
Me: If you spell it backwards it’s flesruoy.
Him: What?
Me: If you add the letter p to it you can spell profusely.
Please, sir, my system. It’s very nervous.
life hack: put on an apron at home and people think you’re super busy doing important stuff even when you’re not
[party]
ME: I’m uncomfortable
BF: Just mingle
ME: Do I introduce myself?
BF: We’re at your family reunion
“Ice, Ice, Baby, Vanilla, Ice, Ice, Baby.” – Worst cocktail recipe ever
AT&T sent me a text apologizing for their service outage. I sent them a text thanking them for making it impossible for people to call me.
#RubbishJokes
My girlfriend told my that she wanted peace and quiet whilst cooking.So I took the batteries out of the smoke alarm.
Whatever happened to Lindsay Lohan’s twin sister?
Haven’t seen or heard anything from her since Parent Trap
70 percent of marriage after having kids is trying to keep the spark alive, even though that spark might want to sign a DNR.
Me: I can’t even tell you how much I hate people.
Twitter: Yes you can.
It looks like our local Walgreens is dressing up as Christmas for Halloween.
Alexa! Wake me up if there is an emergency like the world‘s about to get normal
A local supermarket.
A customer asks “Do you have unsalted nuts?”
The new checkout boy freezes. He needs this job. But he may never get this chance again.
Sex tip: if you get bored you can always end the sex simply by saying “I have ejaculated.”
Stormy, with a chance of “wet moms” this weekend.
First, that jerk cut me off in traffic, then he stole my parking space, and then his stupid car got paint on my key!
Wild horses could easily drag me away.
Probably a good sized dog or motivated cat could do the trick.
A big bunch of gerbils, maybe.
*wakes up due to construction noise*
*tosses and turns all pissed off*
*finally decides to get up*
*construction noise stops*
I like my women like I like my donuts: round and drowned in coffee.
Denise please return my vape pen
Asked my 5yo how he wanted me to peel his banana, and he said any way, and this is a trap isn’t it
can’t wait to fulfill my lifelong dream of going to japan and buying a samurai sword out of a vending machine
Me: I love my friends. Their interests? Incredible. Their tastes? Impeccable. I would die for them. If there’s a single thing they asked of me I literally could not possibly hesitate
Friend: Hey check out this cool song
Me: Haha cool maybe
me: excuse me, my chicken is cold
waiter: I’m terribly sorry sir, but pets aren’t allowed in here
When I reached the border patrol checkpoint, I raised my kale smoothie & the officer immediately waved me through.
How to find out if you old.
(Fall down in front of a group of people.)
If they laugh, you are young.
If they panic, you are old.
being yelled at by the self checkout machine is so humiliating everyone can hear u getting lectured by a little robot