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“You can’t have your cake and eat
it too”People that don’t know how cake
works.
Two guys named Noodles and Pancakes are fighting right now.
I will never quit you, Twitter.
HER: I’m leaving u
ME: is it bc of my irrational paranoia
HER: yes
ME:
HER:
ME: did the dog put you up to this
If science is so great why do we only have one vegetable on the cob
I saw a commercial for the movie The Exorcism and I’m jealous of that devil’s spine crack.
Fails drug test.
Adds “Positive” Person to résumé.
how disrespectful to start wwiii in the middle of coachella.
The dog ate my unified theory of the universe.
OEDIPUS: hi do u have any anniversary/Mother’s Day cards?
CARD STORE CLERK: dude wtf
Boss: I’ve received complaints about your AA meetings
Me: too boring, right?
Boss: no, but the complimentary champagne needs to stop
[2050]
“Grandpa, how did President Trump ever get elected?”Well, we were a bit distracted. That was the year adult coloring books came out
Cheers to all who skipped that one dish at Thanksgiving because you just didn’t trust the person who brought it.
Lol.. The Parrot is sticking to the code and won’t talk… Lol… I’m done.
The best thing about Twitter is that I can reveal my deepest and darkest secrets and you dumbasses think I’m joking.
My husband wants me to seek help with my substance abuse problem. I even caught him throwing away my latest Bath & Body Works coupons.
boss: can we talk?
me: sure
boss: people are afraid of you because you’re obsessed with the devil
me: okay, first of all his name is lucifer
Battery falling down a hole
How come it’s called an “engagement ring” and not kneel diamond?
*kids running down the stairs*
DADDY, DADDY, I HEARD TOYS BUZZING IN YOUR ROOM AND MOMMY SAY, “SANTA CAME EARLY THIS YEAR.”
The key to losing weight is to eat like you’re in a video game — don’t bother with it 99% of the time until you’re about to die
If anyone is thinking of fighting me, just know I cook bacon topless.
Relationship or hallucination? Either way, I’m seeing somebody.
Today I have learnt – if you try and give someone the finger whilst wearing mittens, you are basically just showing them your mittens.
Wife is angry because “somebody” dripped grape jelly onto the dog’s head.
It feels very accusatory.
What I try to explain you, is that I do know you have very good big cups in this nice coffee shop, but I’m emotionally attached to this bucket, could you fill it up with your excellent coffee, please
“Parkour” I yell, as I fall during my sobriety test
A 5yo’s energy is wild. How are you doing parkour while you relax and watch tv? Why are you upside down? Relax, please I’m getting tired just watching you hahah
Dating Tips.
C all her 69 times a day.
R ing her doorbell and hide.
E avesdrop by phone tapping.
E ye her bffs.
P oke her on FB.
Not gonna lie, I’m pretty proud of this one.
I need a new toaster. Mine has two settings: WTF is it even on, and Viking funeral.