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Interviewer: and I see under special skills you wrote “undoing the toilet paper roll?”
My toddler in a trench coat: that’s right.
My 6yo was mad I wouldn’t get him the puppy popsicles
We don’t have a dog
oh u love jesus “with all of ur heart”? name 3 of his albums
If you wear a ship’s captain’s hat around, people will just do what you say. I run a Starbucks, a Target, a submarine, and two street gangs.
[5 year old tugs on pant leg]
Daddy if time stops at the speed of light then photons aren’t actually moving, so is everything we see a lie?
I never leave home without my phone charger but I’m always unprepared in every other way.
$20 to go through a corn maze? That’s $20 more than I expect to pay for a walk through vegetables.
If someone sits too close to me on a bench, I stare straight ahead and say “Did you bring the money?”
Never understood why ghosts haunt old, dusty houses. If I was a ghost I’d haunt Hawaii or Bali
He said I’d love to look into that beautiful brain of yours.
I said, ok but it’s just like watching a squirrel running through traffic trying to get to the other side really.
And they say flirting is hard.
Lady at dog park: Did you adopt your dog?
Me: No, he’s my biological dog.
You don’t scare me. You’re not an omelette I’m about to flip.
No thanks, guy selling ribeyes from a box truck in the mall parking lot. I learned my lesson from the “Shrimp purchased from the trunk of a Corolla parked on the side of the road” incident of 1997.
Remember the old ‘yawn and stretch’ move in the cinema with your crush?
Why buy it for $7 when you can make it yourself with $92 worth of craft supplies.
You got this…
Me: *stands on one leg*
My flamenco teacher: No.
Alanis: I’m ready for this knife fight!
*Pulls out 10000 spoons*
Me: *buys a meal for one*
Everyone: Aw that poor lonely guy.Me: *buys a meal for two*
Everyone: Ew that fat lonely guy.
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person is typing…
Person says: hi
uncle dave has been through hell
ME: *as a surgeon* What’s the worst that could happen? Your nose buzzes & we put all the pieces back & start over…Where are you going?
sheep: hey give me my jeans back
wolf: no I need them for this idiom
This is why science literacy is so important, kids.
Welcome to your 40s, your bra wins the Oscar for the best actor in a supportive role.
BREAKING NEWS
Justin Bieber said… And I quote, “Only God can Judge me!”
THIS JUST IN
…Apparently I’m God.
Having now listened to the entire song, I have to say there’s some obvious internal disagreement as to what the Hokey Pokey is all about
Four dentists: Use this toothpaste that prevents cavities
Fifth dentist: You guys know how we make a living, right?
Boss: who wants to practice public speaking?
Me: can I go?
Boss: of course.
Me: [goes home]