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If you can say “I made six figures last year,” you either have a well paying job or you’re the worst employee at a toy factory.
My 3yo just told me, wrathfully, “Well, if you won’t play with me then I’m gonna take a NAP on the COUCH!”
Ooooh. That’ll show me.
“Fed-Ex is coming to kill us all!” ~my dog
“I trust my boyfriend, I would never go thru his phone”
-girls who can’t figure out boyfriend’s passwords
REPORTER: still feel it was a good idea to spend all $80 million of your lottery winnings on this?
ME: [using my 28 surgically added hands to pet 30 dogs at once] yes
[a 31st dog walks by]
ME: oh no
Driving along the expressway and a truck with an open tailgate just bounced a cooler into the lane ahead of me and I didn’t even panic all those years of Mario Kart finally paid off
My new erotic novel “Love in the time of autocorrect” will be out soon. Here is a sample
Husband: “They say humans are not meant to multitask.”
Me: *cooking dinner while holding toddler while signing permission slip with foot while shooting lasers from eyes at him* “You don’t say.”
Tell me again how I unloaded the dishwasher too loudly when you were watching golf. Detectives will want to know exactly how this went down.
Don’t be fooled by American Airlines, it is just one airline
I get it, drug commercials. I too like to dance while I describe all my side effects
was Jim off killing horses or…
Props to the guy who numbered combo meals. Ordering a number four combo meal sounds a lot better than ordering a double quarter pounder meal
[me flirting]
Cute guy: hey how’s it goin
Me: YES I ALSO LIKE BLUEBERRIES
Cute guy:
Me: THEY’RE ACTUALLY PURPLE WHEN YOU SMUSH THEM
Cute guy: *backing away*
Me: I HOPE DROGON IS OKAY
*Goes to work*
*Punches clock*
*Gets fired for breaking clock*
1 year older today, and still no closer to growing up
waiter my bone broth tastes like a boiled bone
I just vacuumed my dog to cut down on indoor shedding, if you’re looking for a life coach or whatever.
Me: Watcha got there?
8: Lemonade.
Me: What kind?
8: Mike’s
Me: Nooooooo
My daughter used to be afraid of the monster in her closet but like I told her, it’s the ones under your bed that you really need to worry about
Mom. Dad. I like my coffee like I like my women. I don’t like coffee. I’m gay.
Karma is my daughter bragging about getting to sleep late this week and forgetting to turn off her alarm.
Me: Do we really have to share my dessert?
Her: Don’t worry, I eat like a bird.
The year is 3250 and scientists were able to extract the data from an old cell phone, dated around 2022, that they found in an archeological dig. They came to the conclusion that humans didn’t used to own clothes judging by all the naked pictures found in this phone.
Shah Jahan built the Taj Mahal as a tribute to his wife but sure, the book shelf looks great.
If you can start the toilet paper roll without clawing it like a velociraptor then you’re a wizard.
Cat: HUMAN TERRIBLE THING HAPPEN TO CAT
Me: what
Cat: WAS SLEEPING IN SUN PUDDLE BUT SUN PUDDLE IN DIFFERENT PLACE NOW
Me: yeah Earth’s rotation means the sun is constantly changing positions in the sky
Cat:
Cat:
Cat: MAKE THAT NOT HAPPENING
Me: I can’t
Cat: UR USELESS HUMAN
Crush calls.
Me: *Googles: how to lose 50lbs overnight*
*gets called a psychopath
*googles “What’s the average IQ of a psychopath?”AWWW, HE THINKS I’M REALLY SMART.
When I found out Carl was a beekeeper I stopped loaning him bees.