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Phone
Me: I can’t. I can’t THINK right now. I CAN’T. Too exhausted.
Person: But if you could just—
Me: LISTEN to me. LISTEN. I CAN’T. No higher brain function. Stop asking. Too tired to think. Stop making words to me
I taught my son how to roll down a hill and then I taught some passerby’s how I clean puke off my son.
[At the funfair]
*Fire alarm sounds*
Me: *in the hall of mirrors* oh no.
Sirens: *luring me to my death*
Me: *finger guns*
Sirens: Eww. Nevermind.
think about how many more lovers you’d have if a cross country high speed rail system existed. thats what they are taking away from you
My ideology is to stay away from people with ideology.
tamagotchi my fitbit
owners
🤝
trying to keep a weird
little guy alive
Shake what your mama gave you.
*turkey soup from a cool whip container just flies everywhere
My husband asked if I had a new year’s resolution and I told him it was to not yell at the kids and then we both fell about laughing
I smoke in the car and the smell is in my clothes, skin, and hair but this gum will cover everything up so no one will know.
– smokers
A burglar checking the hollowed out space in my Bible and finding a smaller Bible
a massage is not enough I need to be rolled through a pasta machine
Don’t get excited girls. That bulge in my pants is just emergency Oreos.
Me: I need a word for food between courses at a meal
Wife: intercourse?
Me: not now Margaret, I’m trying to think
I posted “Happy Almost Mother’s Day!” on this chick I grew up with’s Facebook page, guess I was the only one who remembered her abortion.
i watched my wife fall off a cliff… your whole world can change in a matter of seconds. mine almost did.
I love spending 20 mins wrapping cocktail weiners in croissant dough so the 3yo at the party can take off the ‘crust’ and eat just the ‘hotdog’.
I taught my son how to spell beer so he’d stop bringing me Pepsi from the fridge.
Grandma lied about girls being all over me once I got older
70% of the Earth’s surface is oceans. The rest is split between car dealerships and a Costco parking lots.
all ramen noodles come from one impossibly long noodle of disputed origins. no one knows how much is left or what will happen when it’s gone
back in the 80’s, we simply didn’t have the dog technology we do today
My kids brought me breakfast in bed, then proceeded to eat MY breakfast. If that doesn’t sum up motherhood I don’t know what does.
How do horror writers compete with current events?
The hardest part of marriage is resisting temptation. Women just don’t understand how hard it is not to use a decorative towel.
Things the GOP has battled this week:
1. Ethics
2. Intelligence
I’m half potato on my dad’s side
ghosts in movies are stupid if i was a ghost id be in the bahamas but they’re just like “lets stay here and move pots and pans”
I see Netflix changed The Punisher’s origin to have his family killed by the government instead of him getting bit by a radioactive punish.
For Sale : Used Facebook account ~ get up to the minute weather forecast, religious counseling and countless pictures of Jenny’s cat.