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ME: [backing into driveway]
WIFE: Where’s the car?
the cvs cashier asked me how im doing as i put some diarrhea medicine on the counter. “not great man ive got diarrhea” i told him
I don’t know why people complain about growing out short hair. It’s a passive process. You just let it happen, and don’t look in the mirror for 10-12 months. Easy peasy.
No thanks iPhone quick reply… I wasn’t going to reply to that text for days.
Detective slams his hands flat on the table:
You need to tell us what you know!Me: I don’t gossip.
Women can detect even the smallest of lies, but on TV they tell them they can lose 20 pounds in 5 days and they believe it all.
Coworker deserves an Oscar for how hard they pretended to work on this project. 😒
EMT: *uses defibrillator* Okay we got him back
Dad: I was just resting my eyes
All I’m saying is if paper beats rock why are rocks used as paperweights?
I wouldn’t wish death on an enemy but I would wish being accidentally hit in the back of the ankle with a grocery cart.
Mom: “Don’t wind the dog up”
Me:
i never would have bought this abandoned lighthouse if i knew that the city wouldn’t let me drop watermelons from the top
I never lose followers during a bot purge. my followers are real people with real accounts who are either dead or left twitter years ago
Just because I am an Italian American doesn’t mean my family is in the mob….
It means we used to be.
This guy on GMA is thanking God b/c he survived 2 plane crashes. I’m pretty sure “God” is trying to kill him.
I got everyone a pet snake for Christmas but you have to catch it, they’re in my house, they’re everywhere, please come get your snake.
me: [getting stabbed]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [on fire]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [screaming for help]
dog: [sleeping]
me: [taking a dump while eating string cheese]
dog: [head between my legs] so whatcha doing
Pennies from heaven would actually be quite devastating.
anyone else like Italian cereal
“Get at least 8 hours of beauty sleep. 9 if you’re ugly.” – Betty White
Ate a few shrooms & thought I was saving a baby from a building fire but I was really just climbing down from my bunk bed w/ a bag of fritos
*stops midway* wait….did you say shrek or shark
-me as a tattoo artist
Just once I want a man to sweep me off my feet and carry me to bed WITHOUT all the groaning, swearing and yelling out “DEAR GOD MY BACK!”
who said “fortune favors the prepared” instead of “ready player won”?
My daughter was giving me major attitude so I asked her if she’s seen Rapunzel and she said yes and I said keep it up and you’ll be locked in your room like that tower until your hair grows that long.
I bet the oompa loompas sang savage diss tracks about Willy wonka behind his back
I’m sick of these libs telling me I can’t say “Happy Honda Days” because I might offend someone who celebrates Toyotathon. So, I guess I’m supposed to wish everyone a “Happy Winter Car Sale”?
So apparently makeup sex after you argue with a coworker is not a thing.
Thinking about the time we told our 5 yo we were moving and he said he was gonna miss us.
Thinking, as I often do, about the time Yahoo News thought “Zooey Deschanel divorces Death Cab for Cutie frontman Ben Gibbard” meant she had left a man named Death Cab to pursue a relationship with the lead singer of the band Cutie