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I think my wife might have been secretly taking goalkeeping lessons. I certainly wouldn’t put it past her.
to the scum photoshopping bandanas on my wedding photos, STOP. my wife has a bad memory & is in tears, she thinks she married a bandana guy
When you have a mouse in the house you suspiciously check everything for nibbles before you eat it.
Toddler in the house = same.
If I check out your blog, what will you do for me? Love me? Ok fine, but you’re telling my mom we’re going out.
I wasn’t entirely comfortable slaughtering that goat under the light of a full moon but grandma’s gravy recipe was very specific.
[Ouija Board]
“Oh great spirits tell me ur secrets”
Ｙｏｕ＇ｌｌ ｄｉｅ ｓｏｏｎ
“OMG HOW”
Ｈｏｌｄ ｏｎ Ｉ ｈａｖｅ ａｎｏｔｈｅｒ ｃａｌｌ
Police:Is there anything you can tell us about your attacker.
Me:He was much better at fighting than me.
Police:Ok is there anything else?
The bank wouldn’t cash my huge check so I am using it as shelter from the elements until I figure out how to get up the beanstalk to the giant teller window
If you watch the Mighty Ducks backwards it’s about a hockey team that starts sucking so bad that the coach leaves and becomes an alcoholic.
Cat: *purr*
Me: Good morning!
Cat: *headbutts me* *purr*
Me: Aren’t you the sweetest thing!
Cat: *kneads me* *purr*
Me: Yes, I love you too!
Cat: *plots my gruesome death* *purr*
Him: I like to play devils advocate
Me: There are way better games out there
I admit opening an alligator petting zoo was not the best idea, but I told the kids to be careful so there’s plenty of blame to go around.
Until my sneezes have time to figure out their beliefs, please stop blessing them.
genie: i’ll grant you one wish now and then an additional wish every six months
me: i thought i got three wishes right now
genie: trust me this arrangement is much better at reducing your tax burden at the end of the year
Microsoft: “Press any key to continue.”
Also Microsoft: “Well, except THAT one.”
THERAPIST: I want us to share our emotions with the whole group today. Who wants to go first?
ME: Me!
T: Thank you!
ME: [leaving] No problem
I saw Mommy kissing Santa Claus.
Then I saw her arguing with him about money.
Now I see Santa drinking by himself.
i put my exercise bike together, no spare parts, i am absolutely drunk on testosterone, i’ll never need another map.
NEMESIS: We must fight to the death!
ME (fully aware I’m going to lose): oh thank god
STEVE: you misspelled my name
ME: Oh uh it’s a joke
LATER, TO STOVE: I’ll make you another cake when he leaves
Since they added those little mirrors on the ATM, I now get to see what having insufficient funds looks like on my face.
Blackout curtains because I’ll decide what time it is.
I don’t go to parties that are “8 ’til late” because I think those two things are the same.
Guy: Welcome to mercenary training. Tell me why you’re here
Man: Money
Woman: Money
Me: *wearing swim floaties* Drove to the wrong YMCA
Day two of homeschooling.
I am leaving my student to fend for herself, so I may hunt for essentials. Like more wine.
Lied on my résumé and got the hospital job. Hope performing surgery doesn’t come up.
Are my affairs in order? What, like chronologically or alphabetically or largest to smallest? Because then still no.
Penguins are always dressed in formalwear because they often need to go to court to answer for their terrible crimes
IRL
I was Today Years Old when I find out Labelle are singing “Creole Lady Marmalade” NOT “Be your Lady Marmalade”.
In what can only be described as the least surprising coincidence of all time, I just found out that the 5 year-old girl who keeps stealing the buttons off my son’s shirts at school is named Coraline