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showing a photo of a healthy guy to my doctor like i’d show the barber a picture of a haircut
My husband and I are very compatible.
He’s a problem solver and I have lots of them.
I requested the number 867-5309 from my cellular provider because I like being annoyed to the point of rage.
I’ve been using a lot of moisturizer. I’m at aloe point in my life.
Keeping a very sharp knife next to my bed in case a burglar breaks in and wants sashimi
Any atheists here can confirm if this is true?
Hey baby, I’m like Fred Flintstone I can really make your bed-rock. Also I live in a cave and don’t have any electricity
“Have you seen my thumb ring?”
~ my proctologist
ME: need help?
GIRL (having car trouble): could u give me a jump
ME: *inflating the bounce house I keep in my trunk* I thought u’d never ask
GIRLFRIEND: If you’re asked to say grace at Thanksgiving again this year, what do you say?
ME: Thank you Lord for the food we are about to receive.
HER: And what do you not say?
ME: *sigh* Wham bam thank you yams.
they spent weeks “Finding Nemo” and “Finding Dory” but Marlin sure seemed to give up way easier when his wife disappeared. kinda sus.
Sometimes marriage is about love & compromise other times it’s about letting the garbage get so full & seeing who will cave first.
2014: lost 10 lbs, saved $135, ate $135 worth of candy, gained 10 lbs
My dad just found out abt the Simpson’s predicting shit and it was the longest phone convo of my life.
dracula: you gotta stop
me: [after turning another vegan into a vampire] lmao but they get SO mad
Writer: So this movie is about a little girl and her dog and…
Disney: Her parents die. Brilliant.
Writer: No.
Disney: Just her mom?
Writer: No.
Disney: Her dad?
Writer: No.
Disney: So then who dies? The girl? The dog?
Writer: Nobody dies!
Disney: Get out.
“Good day, sir. I’d heard you’d recently come into possession of some bread. I see that I was not misinformed. As it so happens, I too enjoy baked goods. Might you be persuaded to part with a small percentage? I would of course offer fair compensation at the current market rate.”
I don’t have a lot of notes for pilots, but I do think they should cut their use of the word “final” down to about zero. “Descent” and “destination” work fine for our purposes out there in the main cabin.
I’m not like the other girls. I’m a 37 year old man.
Welcome to your 40s. When you’re hungry your stomach sounds like a storm coming in.
Working from home has been nice but I’m starting to really miss frantically pressing the “close door” button as my coworker sprints towards the elevator
[introducing my children]
…and these cuties here are the 3 times I tried sex
At 51, I have turned 17 three times and let me tell you I understand the cicada’s compulsion to sit in a tree and scream.
Sex so good you forget you’re married…to each other.
One Saturday morning at three,
A cheese monger’s shop in Paree.
Collapsed to the ground,
With a thunderous sound,
Leaving only a pile of de brie.#Limerick #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
My kids bought a huge bag of flour, yet I don’t see any baking going on…are they waiting for me? They’re waiting for me, aren’t they?
a depressed king of the sea is called a posighdon tell your friends.
I may or may not have just tried unlocking the wrong car for 15 minutes.
My kids are out of town so I’m going to get wild and drink my coffee while it’s still hot.
I read today that there are people who don’t have an inner voice. Took me 4 attempts to read it while mine yelled at me to stop and eat a pickle.