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Have to write a note to my kid’s first grade teacher, and now I’m stressed out about my handwriting
I got pulled over ONE TIME when my daughter was with me and now whenever she sees a police car she says her own special little prayer of “please god let my mom drive normal”
Parenting is watching a foreign object fly into your coffee, sink out of sight, and drinking it all anyways.
a bloodbath has got to be the least effective type of bath
Apocalypse 101: Don’t befriend the cool looking guy with a bunch of guns. Go with the one who knows how to tie knots, and can tell which plants are poisonous.
i wonder if the inventor of rotisserie chicken is turning in his grave
Going on a trip to see a regular canyon. I feel like the Grand Canyon is trying too hard.
Hitchhikers won’t kill you if you kill them first.
What the world needs now is
a. love
b. sweet love
c. a category in IMDB that gives you a visual height comparison by actor for a given cast in a show
I think a Muppet should host the presidential debates
[1st time at a crime scene]
Cop: What do you think happened?Me: The killer murdered these people by trapping them in these body bags
Cop: um we put them on
Me: Another good theory
Me: *travels back to 1980*
Me: *watches my parents bring me home after birth, tears up*
Me: *watches mom trip and drop me on my head*
Me: That actually explains a lot.
My Dad said he wanted tools for Father’s Day, so I brought my ex and my boyfriend.
“Actually I have a lot of secs” is apparently not the right answer to “Do you have a sec?”
Your an idiot.
-You’re.
What?
-You’re not your.
But I said it. I didn’t type it. We’re talking.
-Yeah but I heard the typo.
You’re an idiot.
Not how I expected him to come back but okay.
Always crush and snort your first pill on the pharmacy counter to make sure they’re not passing you some fake shit.
Kid: *spills cereal all over the floor*
My husband: Can you grab the vacuum cleaner?
Me: Sure *whistles for the dog*
New Year’s Eve 1999. My brother sneaks down to the basement. As the clocks strike midnight, he flips off all the fuses in the house and cackles as everyone loses their minds upstairs.
I need a treadmill with a reward system.
Run 10k, here’s a pizza.
[getting out of prison after 10 years]
GUARD: *handing me a paper bag* here are ur things
ME: did none of u monsters feed my tamagotchi
Can we all just agree that nothing needs to be connected to Facebook ever?
I don’t want to whine about how muggy it is but there’s a smallmouth bass right now hanging behind my right shoulder spell checking my tweet.
He says it’s ok.
COP: Know why I pulled you over?
ME: Because I don’t think Die Hard is a Christmas movie?
COP: *drawing weapon* Don’t move you son of a-
Ryan Reynolds Said What?!
My dad: Too many lamps in a room we are sitting in is wasting electricity
Also my dad: Installs a dozen flood lights to illuminate the outside of the house
Today my toddler is crying because he doesn’t have his stuffed animal. That he put in the fridge. And yelled at me for trying to take it out.