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Bruce Wayne’s poop is not only crazy, it’s batshit
Dear commercial,
If my family follows your advice and gives me Fitbit or exercise gear for Mother’s Day, prepare yourself for a lawsuit.
9am: “Right, that’s my sandwich made ready for lunchtime”
9.05am: “Right, that’s that sandwich eaten”
The closer the wasp is, the slower the window rolls up.
It’s real life horror movie science
if you cant handle me at my “bit by a radioactive lobster” u dont deserve me at my “using lobster powers to help u gain custody of your son”
a person who understands others’ feelings but ignores them is an empathole
Chess says everything about men & women. The King has to take things one step at a time, while the Queen can do whatever the hell she wants.
When someone looks over my shoulder while I’m on the computer, I open up a new tab and start searching, “HOW TO KILL THE PERSON BEHIND ME.”
I’m not one for asking u guys to check out sites but please do.
Awesome site ~ _~ I’m really honored. @funTweeters
“No!”
-An A to Z guide to parenting.
any doctors here? am I allowed to get a wax during my epidural? it’s genius and there’s a ton of time to kill anyhow
The fishmonger at our local market is always pretty unfriendly.
I’d describe him as a little standoffish.
The Supreme Court was making history, holding arguments over the phone because of Covid-19, when all of a sudden there was the distinct sound of a toilet flushing.
ME: I’m just gonna take a quick nap.
KIDS: Check out the new cirque du soleil show we invented.
*living room is on fire*
I’m watching a guy on tv who makes a living simply by having opinions about hockey wondering which one of us is the bigger pile of shit.
Why did they call it Big Pharma and not The Pilluminati.
I would only want to be a ghost if I could randomly bite people
Man, how coked up was the guy that came up with teenage mutant ninja turtles
I used to sing my daughter to sleep at night, which is probably why her first word was “Stop.”
if you went to a thousand costume parties you would never see anything greater than this
Me: Gimme that bread, daddy
Priest: It’s Father
My Face ID only recognizes me if I’m chewing now.
I’m sorry, but I’m never gonna apologize for who I am.
*except just then*
Accordion to research, 9 out of 10 people don’t notice when you replace words with random musical instruments.
Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE
A girl’s tinder bio said “I would die without food” uh okay me too
Kanye West tweeted that Bieber’s ‘What Do You Mean?’ was 2015’s best song.
The “…which wouldn’t happened without me” tweet coming soon.
Don’t mind me, I slept on the wrong side of the bed, spilled a ton of water on me trying to take a sip from the bottle, slipped on a plate which I forgot I left on the floor, and the most tragic of all, I accidentally put on men’s perfume
Thank god for cauliflower rice. Finally a way to chew hot water
Wile E. Coyote really threw himself into his paintings